Memoirs of Madness~55 Part 2

No one will ever know just how much pain my heart has taken on since the day Wyatt blew into my life like a damned storm. It seems almost laughable that I at one time nicknamed him Tropical Storm Wyatt, but it is very fitting. He is there like a fierce wind, turning your life into this bizarre sort of chaos that at times is beautiful, but then he is gone and leaves you in pieces scattered everywhere. If these pages ever fall into someone's hands I can imagine what they will ask or think. Is she crazy, why didn't she just choose one man or the other and simply stick to it, why didn't she walk away from both of them, that thing/demon is a harlot and a whore..and maybe all of this is true and maybe these are questions I should ask of myself and think deeply on. But, you see..I have given my heart to the one I choose only it would seem he has not chosen me. Worse than that is the feeling he has chosen me, but not fully or completely. It's like he wants to be with me but holds himself back from committing one hundred percent. I told him about Sky and the look on his face was worse than when I told him I was pregnant with another man's baby. I didn't bother with telling him how I truly felt, how this whole mess was killing me slowly. What would it matter? It would not bring him around more or change things. I can not force him to be with me wholly if he still doesn't know for sure what he wants. Maybe, he does know and is simply afraid to give into it. I don't know, but it hurts to know either choice does not seem to have a place for me in his life. I tried to give the ring back because it was the right thing to do, but her refused it. And calling off the engagement was the right thing as well, because I have become just as confused as ever at what is going on now. Sky offers all the things I long for and Wyatt seems to offer none of these. Though I love both men I can not deny that Wyatt is my first. First when it comes to all of these things i have experienced as a demon, things i was told I would never feel or experience. My first true crush, my first kiss in the rain, my first love..and now it is all gone. Only angry words fill the air between us and I don't know if I should stay or I should go. For now I have retired back to my too big loft apartment with Maltease. Maltease and my all too familiar tears and heart ache. I have so many decisions to make right now. Do I leave or do I stay? Do I give custody of this baby to his father and never look back? Do I let Sky back in and try again with him? Do I forsake the word love and do this on my own? Can I ever truly love again..let someone in so far that I could give them the power to either lift me up or destroy them? One thing I know for sure, I will never love another as much as I love Wyatt. There is simply not enough room in my heart or enough left of my heart to allow this..ever. I wish I had once last kiss, one last moment to make things right somehow, one last chance to tell him despite the hurt and the mistakes he is still the one I long for, the one I can not live without, the one I can not breathe without..he is still the one I would die for..