Memoirs of Madness~56

And so my life became what I was used to it being, by my own choices as it always had been. Not that Sky didn't give it a valiant effort, but I couldn't bring myself to keep repeating the same damning path my life had become. Wyatt, then Sky, back to Wyatt..and then Sky again. It had become an unhealthy way of living. So I chose myself this time. After all I will bringing a child into this ungodly world and he needed a mother who was sure of herself or it could be a huge downward spiral of issues. I had enough of my own without imposing them on my child..on Wyatt and my child. I am not sure Sky was all to happy with my decision, but I think he understands the need to figure out who i am without all of the other stuff in between. I hear, through the grapevine that Wyatt and Chris are trying again. I am not sure rather I am happy about this or not. I am full of mixed emotions on the whole thing, but what else is new about my feelings when it comes to Wyatt. I am good with my choice to leave love and romance behind, I guess it's a bitter pill to swallow to know Wyatt went right back to Chris as if what we had was just a passing irritation. Somehow, I thought he might figure it was time for him to figure things out as well. Though weeks have past since I heard that news. I work at keeping myself calm and settled to avoid any crazy mishaps. The truth is I have become invincible between my powers and the baby's. It makes me wish Wyatt and I could see eye to eye more. The first couple of weeks were the hardest. At first I swore Wyatt could simply have custody of our child after I gave birth and I would disappear, make his life easier. But, this is my home as well and I couldn't really leave it. I haven't had a place to call home in centuries and things change when you realize you are about to become a mom. Then I figured I preferred not to see Wyatt and suggested a "safe" person to take our child back and forth so we wouldn't have to see each other. I feel foolish now, in hind sight, I think both of us were hurt and wounded and angry words always seem easier than facing the hurt. Though, some days I find myself wondering if he really hurt at all or he was relieved I called things off. There are nights when the loneliness is still too much to bear and I catch myself crying myself to sleep. Mostly for everything that seems to be lost and because I fear I will never live up to the expectations of being a good mother. Don't get me wrong, I miss him. How could I not? Those kinds of feelings don't ever simply shut off or go away. I don't care what all the best therapists or wise people tell you. They never ever fade..
On a much lighter note, I took a walk this afternoon along a row of little quaint shops in San Francisco I had come to love. I spent my time walking slowly and doing a bit of window shopping. As a hunter you learn that each individual has a distinct energy or smell if you will, about them. Sky has one, Willa, Shara, and Wyatt. Anyone I have ever been close to..their auras stay with me. This one was strong, familiar, haunting in its every essence. And as I turned our eyes caught and a small smile moved over his lips in greeting. Sam Winchester..a blast from the past, someone I assumed I would never see again after all that had transpired over the years. And most certainly did not expect a smile to greet me. Sometimes, people come into your life for a reason and right now it was nice to see an old familiar face from the days when everything made sense. We're meeting for dinner tomorrow. Nothing major..just burgers and fries in the park and a chance to catch up on things we have missed ..