Memoirs Of Madness~60

I wonder if there will ever come a time when things are right in my life. When I no longer have to fight for anything, when I no longer feel guilty for my choices, or when I will stop being judged by those around me. Not that everyone judges me, but there sometimes come defining moments in your life where all eyes are on you, waiting to see how you will react. And inevitably it will never be the right reaction. And even no one speaks a word, it is there in their eyes. I wish I could burn parts of tonight away forever, I wish I could go back and change how things turn out, and I wish that the past would simply lie where it is supposed to and allow for me to move on with less complications. I thought all of this would be the case when Sam and I started seeing each other, but somehow it is not exactly the case. I observe my surroundings at all times without fail. It is who and what I am and how I have always survived for as long as I have. One should never let their guard down when you live the type of existence I do. When you are what I am or have become. I love Willa for the chocolate birthday party, I sincerely do. Her and a dear friend Bella put the party together and friends were there I had not expected to see. I am not sure where things started to go wrong, but it was one of those moments when it all seemed to happen at once and you don't know exactly how to pinpoint the defining moment when you should have made better choices. I think, if I truly try to put my finger on it, things went wrong when Matthew showed. Not that I didn't want him there. I was thrilled to see him, but he seemed less than thrilled to meet Sam and his attitude and language proved that fact without leaving a single doubt in either my or Sam's minds. I demanded an apology for Sam, whom graciously said was not necessary, saying Matthew was entitled to his opinion. Maybe, I should have let it go, but had I seriously raised a child who would be so rude and inconsiderate to someone they just met? I can understand the fact that it's not his father, but Matthew should have had enough respect to know his father and I are not together. From there it moved to another friend, whom had been trying to find a way for us to move our relationship beyond friendship, who deemed it necessary to inform the world what a bitch I am. Simply because I have never felt any kind of spark with him. It is one thing to know the world sees you as the ultimate bitch, but for a "friend" to announce it in a cold hearted among a gathering of friends is a whole other thing. I am sure between Matthew refusing to apologize, my anger causing a lamp to blow apart, being called a bitch, and then Wyatt showing as well. I didn't stand a chance at keeping any civility about me. I know Wyatt was trying to maintain his secrecy as if he had never shown, but I saw him and asked what he was doing there. Mistake on my part as Matthew found another opportunity to chastise my choices. It's not that I didn't want Wyatt there, I was completely caught off guard. I keep mentioning how people seem to see right through me lately and not really see me, this was another of those times. Because despite the hostilities between Wyatt and I, we had become amicable and decent with each other, but seeing him face to face..it brought a lot of emotions to the surface. No one saw the butterflies roar to life in my stomach, no one could feel how my arms longed to draw him close to me, to kiss those lips and run my fingers through his hair. No one felt the shame I felt for feeling those things with Sam standing beside me. Instead, my own son still unborn but staring me down in anger has judged me, a friend due to his own insecurities has judged me, I am sure Wyatt has judged me for the blurting out of my words, and it was written in the faces of the silent party. One of those defining moments in my life and I had failed it, simply because no one has a true understanding of what I am struggling with inside of me. A million apologies were given to Willa for the destruction of such a beautiful idea as Sam took from the party. In his defense, Sam tried. He had an impromptu picnic down near a lake where we had first enjoyed burgers together and caught up on old times. The diamond necklace was beautiful and his attempt at saving the rest of the night was very noble and even heroic in a way. But even now, it is the pendant received from Wyatt, one charged with helping to keep the baby's ever growing powers in check, that holds my gaze and wonder. The gesture came from somewhere deep, even if no one else perceives it this way. For me, it was the most important gift I had received. How is it when we are apart, he gets me, he understands me and knows what I need. When we are together I am next to invisible. When will I find myself in the presence of a man who doesn't see completely through me. Sky, whom made me feel I needed to keep myself reserved with him. Wyatt who never seemed to completely give himself to me and made me feel less than the person I had thought I was. And Sam who tries, but I am not so sure that in the end he is where I am supposed to be. I have heard it said that a woman's heart is much like the ocean..deep and full of secrets. but I think there is something most people fail to see or understand. Or, maybe, simply I am different in the way I feel. I would give anything to find the one man who would be willing to dive to the depths and not be afraid of the secrets there. A man I can completely be who I am. In all my moods..in all my emotions...without judgement..someone who truly sees who I am and who I can be..