I never usually place dates on anything I write because it becomes pointless with as long as I have been around and with as long as I have been keeping journals. I am sure anyone could date them easily by the events mentioned here and there in the world. Not that anyone would believe my words if they found them. They would see them as simply a work of fiction at the hand of an unknown author. And I believe that is perfectly fine for me. I haven't written a few months, not after my birthday party. I decided to put these things to rest and focus solely on making my life stress free. To not constantly delve into old wounds and open them up by reading my older ramblings. Much has happened in these few months. Mainly that I feel that I had grown roughly the size of the house, until today that is. But there are a few events leading up to this amazing day..this amazing day that also has become another defining moment that I somehow wish I could do over. Do what was right instead of worrying about what I thought I could handle and what I could not handle. Too often my heart clouds my judgement. I don't think I was able to recover my dignity with Matthew after the disaster of a birthday I had. He finally left with Blair. He left without really saying a word. One day he was here and the next he was gone. I believe they managed to help Bianca, but I guess I will never know. And I am not sure why, but the fact he left without a word will somehow haunt me for some time to come. It is a deep seated feeling I can not let go of. Nor have I since really spoken to Wyatt other than a possibility of once or twice to let him know how I am with the pregnancy as time grew closer to giving birth. Until today came into our lives. I wrestled with the birth of Matthew for the entirety of the past two months. I wrestled with how things will be when it comes time, who will be allowed in the room and who won't. Willa has asked to be there and I can not deny the one friend who has been there through everything. The one who never turned her back on me for even one single breath of a moment. And, of course Wyatt should be there. It is his son. But I am swallowed by a fear so great that it keeps me up at night. I do not think I can bear to be in the same room with him in such an emotional state. Not without some kind of shield to protect me. And Sam is that shield. But Sam should be allowed as well, after all he has taken care of me, seen me through this pregnancy and treated me like a queen. It is not fair to allow Sam because he will be my safe haven, my 'shield', this should be Wyatt's moment to not be shared with another man and yet I could not change my mind once it was set.
November 15th, 2009 12:53 pm
Matthew Warren Halliwell is born. And my happiness is over shadowed by the mistake of making Wyatt share this moment with another man. I sit now, watching our son sleep soundly swaddled in a blue blanket. He is beside me in the living room as I sit journaling, my thoughts only torn from these pages with each small movement he makes. I am a nervous mother, always checking to make sure he is breathing, always checking to make sure that the things that go bump in the night do not harm him while I slumber. I am a heart broken mother for the stupid choices I have made. I wish things different now that they have passed. Not that Wyatt and I would be together as he has found his happiness with another and I believe so have I. But that I should have nor been a coward, faced down my fear, accepted that I will always love this man with a raging fire, and allowed him the glory of this afternoon. My soul is somewhere weeping right now at what I have become. I weep right now for all that seems so lost. If I could say anything in these pages to redeem myself, I can only think of two.
1) My words to Matthew..no matter what this world affords us or what dangers we may face, remember from the moment you were conceived that it was done in love. And remember that you will always be well and truly loved more than you could ever know.
2) My words to Wyatt..I am so so sorry. Today should have been yours and yours alone. What I have done and what I asked you to do was so unfair and never will there be enough apologies that could ever undo today. No matter what has happened between us, you deserved better from me and for that there is no forgiveness. As I have said above for Matthew..so I say for you as well..since the day you fell into my life you have and will always be well and truly loved as well. Nothing in this world could ever change the fire that will always burn bright for you..no matter what the world throws at us..
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