Memoirs of Madness~57

I remember all too well all those many nights I had spent in run down motel rooms, trying to stay inconspicuous and always on the move. It sucked, for lack of better terms. I think that is what first led me to finally tell Sam it was perfectly fine for him to stay with me at my place. After all, the spare guest room was not being used for anything. One little meaningless "picnic" in the park led to many such nights of hanging out and catching up. Sam and his brother Dean had parted ways for a bit of time to gather some perspective on their own lives. It seemed Sam was enjoying learning to live a life without hunting and lately I had joined that team of retired hunters. I simply had too much to risk with the baby still growing inside of me. Our late night talks came to the point where sending him away to some lonely motel room wasn't what I deemed necessary. Where some relationships became broken, some others were being mended. I rarely spoke to Sky or Shara, though the feelings remained not quite so hard between us. Willa is very wrapped up in Tony, from whom I prefer to keep my distance. He simply brings out this inner rage I try to keep squashed down and then my powers do crazy things like blow things up. I would hate to truly screw up and blow Tony up, Willa would never forgive me. And Wyatt..I guess we are amicable together. It is the best either of us can do in the situation and each day grows easier to talk once more and find some kind of passive friendship, though my heart still tries to scream and shout and how much of a mistake this all is. I have learned to tell my heart to shut up and simply move forward. I am not so sure when it truly became official or even what moment changed everything or maybe I do know and figure it's really no one's business, not even these pages I have grown addicted to writing my thoughts in. Sam has been incredibly sweet about the whole baby thing, making sure I am taken care of while he stays with me. It's been refreshing and I believe something changed the morning he swept into my room with a tray and served me breakfast in bed. Propped up next to me on the bed, we enjoyed a bite to eat, a bit of conversation, and then something much more intimate. It wasn't something that happened over night. For the first time in ages, since Sky and Wyatt..I made myself hold back. Though there was a bit of tension here and there between us, we both denied it for weeks and weeks on end. It was worth the wait. Now Sam is living here with me and maybe this is the most "normal" existence I have fallen into. except last night when the phone rang. It was Wyatt calling to let me know that he and Chris had eloped in Vegas. I joked about them making sure to have some kind of reception or party when they were back. I even joked about being angry that I wasn't invited. I wished them both the best of luck before hanging up, telling Wyatt how extremely happy I was for him and I was..I am because he sounded genuinely happy. I filled Sam in on the call and then excused myself to the shower. Crying in the shower is extremely therapeutic and no one else will ever know about it. I was happy, but I was crushed as well. How do I even explain how I have moved on, out of the vicious cycle my life had become into something new and here I was crying my heart out. Feeling the jagged edges being torn apart again. I would never dare to try and explain it because I can't. Because it was supposed to Wyatt and I. I don't know if I hate myself more for not being strong enough to hold it together while he was always away or I hate him more for not fighting for us. For simply being angry at me for betraying him with a kiss to another and watching me walk without a fight. I try not to seem to distant with Sam and so far I am doing well, because I really should give him one hundred percent. It's tough when ninety percent is with someone else. I can deny it all I want...move forward all I want..but those pieces of my heart that are still shattered and will always remain shattered can only be pieced back together by one man...