Memoirs of Madness~62

Christmas Eve turned out to be quite a long day. Matthew stayed with Sam while I finished up some last minute shopping and took a bit of time to myself. I have come to learn that sometimes I do need my own time to myself, to think, to relax, and to unwind. There was a time when shopping was the last thing on my mind, but I have to come to find it somewhat therapeutic. Possibly, I am settling into the role of being a human female better than I would have thought I could. I finally drug myself home late that night with everything wrapped and tucked neatly in the bags. I set the bags down and closed the door behind me, smiling at Sam lounging in an over stuffed rocker with Matthew asleep on his chest. Matthew looked so tiny snuggled comfortably there. Though it was touching and I was grateful for Sam treating Matthew with such love and kindness, I could feel the tug on my heart that said this wasn't quite right. I really should be walking into Wyatt cuddled with his son. It was a brief feeling that i shook off as quickly as it had come up. That was no longer a possibility in my life. Wyatt was where he was happiest or at least my heart yearned to believe that. Rather it was true or not would never be any of my business. Wyatt had never ever really let me into his inner self for me to be able to read him completely. In fact, I am pretty damned sure Wyatt has never let anyone in that far, not even Chris. Even now that name is like a bitter pill on my tongue that I want to spit out. So easily he would accuse me of being in the wrong, but it is not so easy to take a look at what he might have done wrong as well. Of course, it is easy for me to shift the blame having been the "other woman" for all of this time. Chris who would disappear for months at a time and come back when it was convenient for him and just assume things would be as he left him. We were not right in sneaking behind Chris back, I make no excuses for the low crap I have pulled and would most likely pull all over again to be in Wyatt's arms once more. God..I could scream at myself! Even now..in this hour of quietness when I should be ecstatic and sharing in these pages of the sweet proposal from Sam..I speak of him..I think of him..I yearn for him! What is this damned madness that consumes me when it comes to Wyatt and why does it only seem to grow as time goes by. Time is supposed to make it lessen! Oh, but heaven and hell the fates are cruel mistresses!
...It is not often that I leave my journaling behind to clear my mind before coming back to finish my thoughts. But this break was needed in order to focus on what happened earlier this evening. I curled on Sam's lap after removing my coat, cuddling Matthew close to me. Tucked into his tiny hand was something, something I pried his little fingers open to retrieve, curious as to how or why he would have anything in his hand. The diamond sparkled in the glow of the fire as it flashed slightly in the light and gaze, unblinking into Sam's eyes. The smile on his face priceless, beautiful, and unforgettable as he asked me to marry him. I said yes, when I am sure most would have thought I would have said no. I do love and care for Sam, he is very much a part of my past, a part of why I came to be here top side with the humans, and this was our time to take another step forward to our future and to me moving on. If happiness is what this is, then I have been mislead. For even now as the light catches the ring and flashes its brilliance, my heart feels heavy and possibly unsure. But this right..I think..to say yes and move forward with my life. A life that I know will be great in the end if I will only allow it to happen. A life that I for the longest time would be spent with someone else, but now that is no longer possible. Why, Wyatt? Why do you continue to hold my heart still firmly in the palm of your hand? Why can I not get you to let go of it and surrender it back to me? What is the power you continue to hold? Why do I love you more and more instead of less...why can't I move on without these thoughts of you like you have moved on as if you and I never really existed...