Memoirs of Madness~59

The more I get to know my son, or maybe in this case, the lack of getting to know my son..the more I question rather I am a capable mother. He is so distant and almost cold like when he is around. Maybe it is simply me and my perception of him. I understand he can't say much due to the critical nature of changing something important and destroying the future he has come to know. I know enough to know he is here with Blair, Bianca and Chris daughter, and they are here to help Bianca who has given up hope on her life. I can understand her fears at how capable we are or are not at being parents. It's a damned sight scarier than worrying about the confines of hell. In the pit it is only you and whatever eternity of torture you have signed on for. Having another life in your hands, one that is the epitome of innocence is an incredible gift and responsibility. I try not to push him or ask too many questions,but it is extremely difficult to not be concerned about him and Blair. Blair, who I believe harbors some of her father's resentment of who I am. Chris will never see me as anything less than the one who ruined his life and there is nothing I can do about that right now. Though, I am sure he could care less now, considering he got what he wanted. One would think life is pretty much breeze right now. With Sam, being pregnant, everyone and everything seemingly where they should be. But what no one knows is that I busy myself with Matthew being here so that I can't focus on the fact that there is still a touch of emptiness within me that I can't quite place my finger on. What more could I ask for? So why I should I still feel this yearning for something more, something I feel I am missing. Sam is mostly around, but much like Wyatt before I called off the engagement, sees through me. Matthew would rather not deal with an over bearing protective mom. I see Sky and Shara when I can, but even that is still difficult after all the hurt that I have caused. Even they, don't see it. Willa, may sense it but she is so wrapped up in that damned boyfriend of hers. I would love to give that kid a piece of mind with no one else around and then send him away from her. He is toxic to her. But that is getting away from my own semi troubled thoughts. I am in this alone, juggling so much, and trying to maintain the fact i don't need anyone to help me through. I could list everything here that jumbles my mind, but that would bore even myself to have to do a mental check on why I am so screwed up most days. The whole demon thing aside, of course. I can't even be sure I am all too excited about my birthday or not. After all, when you have lived several lifetimes over..what's another year.