Memoirs of Madness~38

Being who and what I am, I am very secure and knowledgeable when it comes to leaving a type of double life. After all, demons are known for being a treacherous lying bunch. And, I guess, though I see myself as above this type of existence. I am not. I am living it to it's full extent. My time is divided between two men, two men I love deeply, but for two very separate reasons. This does not make me less of a lying treacherous bitch. It is what it is and I am what I am. I would love to say i do not choose to live this way, but everything I do by choice. No one holds me at knife point and demands that I be this way. But neither did I ask my hear to feel like this, to be completely torn. Sky still remains perfect, caring, gentlemanly, and always sure that I am happy. He is calm in the face of everything, even in his lovemaking. Where as Wyatt is a mess, ill tempered, a pain in my ass, not exactly what I would call a gentleman, keeps me and my heart in constant turmoil, he is fiery as is his lovemaking. Not that we have engaged in such activity. Not since our last break up. Thou we both know the tension is there, the need and want to be all over each other is at the tips of our fingers..we ignore our libidos and have stuck to doing our best to remain companionable. I would laugh at the mere thought of this, if it didn't stand to destroy two people if we give in. But history seems constantly doomed to repeat itself over and over again, like Wyatt and I are caught in some sort of crazy loop. Every moment we spend together, simply talking or even cuddling is a step closer to the inevitable. I don't know why I chose to stay home last night, instead of staying at Sky's as I did most commonly in the evenings when I was not occupied with Wyatt, but I did. I took Maltease for a walk along the beach, letting him run some of that damned puppy energy off. He grows bigger by the day and his training is going remarkably well. He has learned the difference between my blood and the smell of other demon's blood and can almost track them with one hundred percent accuracy. It makes me wonder where Wyatt got him. As we returned from the walk, I showered and was even going to fore go any type of writing, opting for once to simply try for a good night's sleep. I was heading towards the stairs when the all familiar image of Wyatt orbing in stopped me in my tracks. Of course, i am sure it came to no surprise that I wore one of his tee shirts that I had taken from him months ago. Only at home and when alone, or sometimes when Willa stayed over, did I wear his shirt. After all, there was no need to hide from Willa my attachment to her Uncle. Coming from the future she knew much more than I what would go on between the two of us. I was unsure why he was showing up unannounced at a rather early hour, but he looked weary and worn out. Almost as if someone had robbed him of his life force. So we sat on the couch and talked like old friends and lovers, cuddling as he only merely hinted at the fact that Chris was suddenly close to non existent in his life once again. This man who only wanted nothing more than to be loved, acknowledged, and maybe even needed seemed almost brought to his knees by sadness. I hate seeing him like that, especially when he will never admit how deep the hurt goes. The talk soon turned to a few stolen kisses, sweet at first before slowly turning to something more needing and passionate. I am not sure who decided to move away first or stop before we went too far, but it was over almost as quickly as we started. I knew he didn't want to be alone so I did the best I could and offered him my couch so he at least wasn't alone. Needless to say, I tossed and turned as I found my way to bed last night. He was too close, his scent filled the apartment, and when I closed my eyes I would swear I could hear him breathing his soft sounds of sleep from all the way downstairs. But he wasn't asleep and it seemed the very puppy Wyatt had given me for Christmas not so long ago had other plans as he guided Wyatt to my room...or so Wyatt said. Maltease is an incredible dog, so who was I to question it. I have spent many nights lying in Wyatt's arms, not in a sexual manner, but just being together and being close and some of those night's tend to stand out more than others. It seemed like an almost tangible shift in our relationship..whatever that relationship would turn out to be was anyone's guess. But sometimes things happen as simple as lying together, listening to each other's breathing and heart beats and you know somehow, something has changed...