Memoirs of Madness~48

Despite all the ups and downs that I have gone through with Wyatt so far, I don't think I have found happiness like this..possibly in forever. I feel care free, despite the morning sickness I feel great. Like everything is finally in its place. But I don't gloat so much about this, because things can change in the matter of minutes. I know I shouldn't live each moment waiting for the shoe to drop, but I do. Maybe it's past history, maybe it's just one of my biggest flaws, but I try not to let it rule me or the good moments Wyatt and I now share. And speaking of morning sickness, who in the hell coined that phrase? I wish someone had clued me into the fact that the nausea and the throwing up could strike at any given moment. Then again, no one ever said as a demon it was possibly for me to conceive. But even those bouts with feeling less than special are bearable with Wyatt at my side. I do wish he was around more, but his Whitelighter duties pull him away often, but I can't complain about the good he is doing in the world. For what moments we do have, we make the most of. I know there is a sense of sadness in him at times and I know it's due to Chris. And there isn't anything I can do to help, or anything I could say to take away some of that for him. Just as there is no way for him to help me with the my own issues over what I have done to Sky. Chris is taboo. An unspeakable name from my lips. A conversation of topic I dare not bring up. I say that I can be myself completely around Wyatt, but, in truth, there is still a small amount I hold back from him. I hold tightly to my own weakness and inferiority complex against that brother of his. And, yes...there you have it. Because it is an inferiority complex. That man has a certain way of making me hate myself even more..like I am the only creature in the world with faults. The entire world equals perfection..and then there's me..Ruby..the whore of a demon who destroyed everything. Maybe, in a way I did, but why do people forget it takes two. I would never wish Chris's hate on Wyatt, Wyatt has enough to deal with. But neither do I enjoy being the "destroyer". It was never my intention..ever.. And even though I sit here and do all that is possible to keep any bad thoughts from entering my mind..somehow there is that darkness that hovers and threatens to descend..maybe it's hormonal..or maybe it's a foreshadowing of the not so bright future that is just around the next corner..