Memoirs of Madness~52

I am thankful for the things I do have in my life, don't get me wrong. I have heard humans say that god does not give you anymore than you can handle, but I am not exactly what you could refer to as a god fearing human. And you would think that I would be exceptionally happy that Sky and I have slowly begun to talk again and even Shara has let me back into her life as well, but there is something missing. Something Sky, Shara, or even Willa can not fill. Not something..someone. The days have grown excruciatingly long, the nights sleepless and cold. He just seems gone and when he does come home I feel like a child who is being punished for having any emotions. He chastises me for feeling left alone, reminding me that he is doing the best he can. And when he is gone again, far too soon, and another week looms ahead of me without him all I can do is curl up in bed, alone, and cry. I hate feeling vulnerable, I hate feeling needy, but my world is chaos right now and I never have enough time to discuss this with him or how to deal. My powers are a mess, I am not sure what is mine and what is not any longer, the nightmares continue and often times the tears give way to such an inner rage I am afraid of myself. Ugh, I am so angry all of the time and then Wyatt appears and I am simpering little house wife with no real emotions, just an empty shell of myself because I do not want to ruin what little amount of time we have together. What have I become? Who am I? Who has Wyatt become? The same man who confessed all of these things he felt for me has all but fallen off the face of the earth. Do I no longer do it for him? Have I become that woman who is pulled into a marriage simply because I am pregnant? So I become his docile fiancee, pretending the world is a beautiful and perfect place, my inner fire destroyed. And so it has come to pass that I have turned to the only thing that makes sense to me. Hunting. At least as I destroy other demons and such I have a place to put my anger and though some part of me knows I am putting myself and our unborn child in danger, I can not help myself. Because my world as I know it is collapsing. I thought love was so much more than this. What have I done to turn him from me this way? Am I that repulsive? Do I mean so little? And if these are all true, why pretend to love me enough to ask for my hand in marriage? Why pretend you care at all? If all he is concerned with is this child, then I will give birth to the baby, hand the child to his father and walk away..forever. Because I do not believe my heart can do this game any longer. I do not believe I have enough left within me to realize I am nothing to him but a game to occupy his time when he is lonely. I don't believe I have it in me to continue to fight anymore at all and yet this all I do. I have come to realize that hunting does afford me one thing. Somehow, word always gets back to Wyatt about my stupidity. And even I know it is stupidity. Then he comes to me, warns me to quit and I pretend I will because I know he will be gone again, but return when he gets word again. And even know, I don't think he sees it. Even negative attention is better than none at all. Even his anger is more than the nothingness I seem to face night after endless night..