Memoirs of Madness~47

Trying to be more than one person is driving me towards the brink of insanity. Quite possibly I have already reached that point and simply can not recognize it. I am not even sure I would want to. God, or whoever, what have I done? I never set out to hurt anyone, I truly didn't and now I have to deal the repercussions of such ugly deceit. If Sky were to never speak to me again, I would not blame him. As I am sure will be the course of things now. Most likely, Sky and Shara are both completely gone from my life. I keep wrestling with all of these things and I am sure my ramblings upon these pages sound like a broken record by now. I know with each person you tend to take on a different role. It is the way life works. Not everyone can deal with the outspoken mouthy side of me and not everyone cares for the more sedate me, but I am going to extremes any more. Part of me is glad to have told Sky the truth now. That part of that is tired of holding back that more out going side of my nature. The part of me that is with Sky is always holding back some part of herself, for fear the entire me would not be who he wants. But, the other part, that part that makes me loathe myself and makes me turn from any mirror because I don't want to see my own self reflected there..that part wishes nothing but more damnation upon my head. Never before I have ever hurt someone so badly and thoroughly than as to utter the words "the baby is not yours." Even my own voice sounded foreign when I finally said those words. I can not even begin to fathom what Wyatt is going through, I have yet to hear from me. I know he is telling Chris that he is going to be a father. I don't envy Chris or Wyatt that pain. So, you wrestle with this conviction, that part of your conscious that reminds you have done something so wrong and possibly unforgiving. Then there is a second side, the side that breaths a sigh of relief at not hiding any longer, of being able to finally breathe as an entire person and not half of one. The one where you finally feel as if you are where you are supposed to belong. Allow me to add another aspect onto that. I am scared as hell. And trust me, coming from a demon, that is saying something. I do not know on what kind of journey I am about to embark. I have a life growing inside of me that I must now protect, a life who's father may or may not truly want me and if he does want me, I worry how long that will last. That sounds callous and harsh after the hurt I just caused someone whose heart I held in my hands. But rarely do we truly wish the same fate upon ourselves and mean it. I am not sure I could stand another heart break of epic proportions with Wyatt..but here I am, waiting for him to stop by..waiting to try again...