Memoirs of Madness~55 Part 1

I tried. God, in his all knowing wisdom, if he even exists knows I tried. I substituted my time with healthier alternatives instead of suicidal runs at trying to be some hero. The weeks have grown longer and longer, the moments I see Wyatt have grown further and further apart. I have moved furniture into our new place, ordered new furniture, painted the baby's room and started setting it up, and have noticed I spend more and more time with Sky. I can see it when I write in words, the vicious cycle of always being torn between Sky and Wyatt settling into its comfort zone once more and I am growing steadily tired of allowing myself to be drawn into it. For weeks I ignored his advances and remarks about how he would never leave me alone, but as i cried myself to sleep at night with those words like a dagger to my heart, my heart still only belongs to one man. The one man who seems to have forsaken me. I can't begin to count how many lonely nights I have spent in this strange new house that still isn't a home. Wyatt has yet to eve spend the night, though he has helped pick out our bed. I sleep on the couch night after night with Maltease on the floor next to me. And I try to remain calm and settled, knowing how screwed up my powers and the baby's powers react to the slightest thing. I can no longer do this, I can longer stand to be a throw away fiance. I don't know who I am supposed to be any longer, no do I understand where it is that i belong. I have quit trying when Wyatt is here to visit. And that is all it has become, visits from him with maybe a few moments of passion thrown in, but how can a quickie as humans call them, be romantic? So I pretend to be happy and pretend nothing is wrong and so it goes on and on. He no longer sees me. Rather he seems to see right through me. It has been a while since I have written in these pages because I do not want to face any of this any longer. I do not want to face the inevitable of now telling Wyatt that I gave in to Sky yesterday and kissed him and I wanted to. I needed to feel a connection with someone, anyone. Not that Sky is simply anyone. I awoke this morning after a fitful sleep to find a single red rose on the pillow next to mine, from Wyatt, and my heart broke as it has never broken before. It seems as if it is too little too late. I don't want it to be, but it is. I can no longer live like this, knowing this could be our lives. Me, raising our son. Our son's father only popping in when it is convenient for him. This is no life. And as much as I love Wyatt with every fiber of my being..as much as I will love him like this until the day my existence ceases and I am no longer..I have to let him go. I can not make him happy, of this much I am sure. It seems, I never truly could...