Memoirs of Madness~41

I have come to realize that I truly have no one to talk to. Except this paper and pen I take up into my hands now and again when the need strikes. There isn't anyone I can be so truly open and honest with, to beg answers to questions I have, to cry with me, to laugh with me, someone to understand me. I can talk to Willa about almost anything, anything but what weighs my heart most. She is from the future and any slip could alter history drastically, not only that but it's hard to tell her somethings when it comes to my love life and the fucked up mess that it is. I can't talk to Wyatt about it because he would never understand. He is such a beautiful mess in his own right, he doesn't need me to weigh him down further. I already cause enough trouble by simply always being available to him. One would think I could speak to Sky, but right now I don't think his heart could take the emotional turmoil. And because it is a complete betrayal of our relationship. That would leave Shara who would condemn me to the depths of hell for the thoughts I hide and feelings I hide on a daily basis. I am a fucking mess. There is so much built up inside me, such much I can't get a grasp on. For two days Wyatt has been back and I have heard nothing, I am not even sure he knows that I am aware of this. Two days I have been climbing the walls, tow days with no one to talk to. Why destroy anyone's happiness with my internal battle. Two days of goading any demon into a fight that I could find, simply to occupy my moments of restlessness. Even now I feel my ribs mending from the brutal battle earlier this evening, though one should really check out the other guy. I don't think he will be bothering anyone soon. When there is a shortage of fights I can get into, I run the beach for miles with Maltease at my side. Most days I have no clue who or what I am any longer. Am I Sky's girlfriend, am I Wyatt's mistress, am I both, does this make me a whore or a slut as I have so often heard women use these terms. Some days I feel like a trophy given to whomever is the champion of my heart for that moment, but then again I have allowed myself to be in this position. Yes, it would truthfully be much simpler to go away and leave this place behind and leave those I have come to know and love, but I can't seem to walk away. I want him back, I want Wyatt back in my life and I want to be the one to make him happy. I have known this for a while now. It makes me whatever name anyone chooses to call me. Even my guilt over what these thoughts would do to Sky is nothing in comparison to wanting to be the one to teach Wyatt that he deserves to be free of the chains he puts around himself. But I don't know how to completely break through. I have declared my love for him, I have backed off when he needed me to, I have walked away to allow him what he chooses. I walk away but still remain. Why can't he see me..ME..who would give him the entire world at his feet if he would only allow me. I would love him unconditionally..I love him as he is..for who he is...for what he has been..for who he might become..I, who would give my life for him..would sell my soul a hundred times over if he would just truly see me for once. Not as a  distraction when Chris is away. I wonder if the first time he told me that he loved me if he really meant it. So many broken promises..so much lost..and yet I still hold out hope..that someday he will love me as I love him. I suppose that makes me the biggest fool of all.