Memoirs Of Madness~36

These are some of my favorite moments lately, though it leaves me alone with the train wreck that is my heart and so called love live. I love the cool breeze blowing in from the ocean, a blanket upon my lap, the moon shining over the water, a cup of coffer or hot chocolate beside me depending on my mood, and my journals and pen in hand. I would live out on this balcony if I could, because it provides the only calm place for me to rationalize my heart and me head. If these things are even remotely possible. My heart has become a war zone with booby traps placed in bizarre locations, threatening to explode if anyone would should trip the wires. I am no fool in knowing what I am. Though the word whore seems a bit extreme to me as I have not betrayed anyone in that sense, meaning my body has not betrayed anyone. I know in my heart, lies the biggest betrayal of all. It is true, what humans say, about not ever getting over your first love. No matter how much heartache, pain, or denial we like to place upon ourselves, no matter how much we say time will change things..for some of us, this is just not possible. If, I was smart I would listen to every word my head is screaming at me. With Sky it is all perfect and simple, everything falls into place and life is not such a chaotic mess. But, my heart is louder and not so easy to ignore. Everything falls into place with Wyatt as well, only in another sense. But life with him leaves me feeling vulnerable, unsure of myself, and most times incapable of ever being enough for that man. 
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice..shame on me..again..and again..and again. That damned man confuses me. I went into this so called "movie night" with the intentions of me learning to let go, telling myself to realize that Wyatt wants nothing more than my friendship and someone to let his guard down around, someone he doesn't always need to prove himself to. I can't even remember what asinine movie we bothered popping into watch because it all turned so quickly. I could feel the tension within myself the moment I sat on the couch with him, keeping myself at a safe enough distance. I tried hard to pay attention to the movie and concentrate on shoveling popcorn into my mouth. But there was such a playful side to him tonight, one I am hardly ever witness to. This was not the serious Wyatt who exchanged brief glances with me as if neither of us were trying to get caught, or the ever present serious man who began throwing popcorn back at me when the tension became to much. Yes, I resorted to something as childish as throwing popcorn, but it was a stress reliever, made the atmosphere feel more relaxed. I couldn't say that he was feeling the tension or even the electricity I was feeling at that moment, but it was there. Popcorn throwing became a pillow fight, the movie completely abandoned. The pillow fight moved into me lying underneath him, and may the gods help me, it was like being home. It was if every part of me cried out and said yes, this was how it was supposed to be. And then it was definitely tangible, the electricity. Not only on my part, but it was evident on his face as well as his lips hovered so close to mine. All I had to was lift my head or him to lower his, but neither of us moved. It was forbidden, out of bounds has he eventually moved from me with not a word spoken. I could weep if not for the irony of this whole thing. It seems our timing is always wrong and that should be a hint to both of us that this is not meant to be, but somewhere my heart denies this and cries out at the injustice of not being followed. We can't keep hurting the others in our lives like this nor can we keep playing this game together. 
As a demon, one doesn't give a shit about the hurt you cause others, you have no moral standings, you take what you want and screw anyone who gets in your way. In some aspects that would be so much easier, to give into the darkness, persuade Wyatt to do the same and then we would be unstoppable. It worries me that I have actually delved into these darkest thoughts, actually giving them some weight and consideration. But the humanity in me hates myself, can't stand the reflection I see in the mirror. I am my own worse enemy anymore, a betrayer, a harlot..or any other manner of words one possibly choose to lie upon me. But even the worse bone crushing words, even the hatred I pile upon myself is not enough to kill what I feel for him. Even now, when I should be crushed under the weight of guilt I feel, the flames burn hotter for him..my Wyatt..my beloved..the same man I would still give everything up for..even if it meant him hurting me again. May my soul be damned a hundred times more over for the betrayal of my heart..