Memoirs of Madness~42

It's hard being two people all the time. I suppose it's not quite the same as having a split personality, but it's damned close. With Sky, I am quiet and laid back, more reserved, and worse of all I am secretive. With Wyatt, I am a hopeless romantic waiting for him to tear down the walls, passionate, moody, and every bit of my personality is not afraid to show. And, not that anyone reads these or cares, other than my own guilt. I have slept with both. I think I have succumbed to my demon side in ways I had never imagined. In many ways it makes me worse than most of my kind. They have a purpose and they don't tend to hold back, they come at you full force. I wonder,a lot, how bad the guilt eats at Wyatt. if he feels as I do. That everything we do in secret feels so damned right, but so damned wrong at the same time. But neither of us can ever stop ourselves, once we take that one small step we are hopelessly entangled again. I am beginning to realize that we are hopelessly entangled for the rest of our lives regardless of where we are, what we do, and where life has placed us. I am not sure if this makes us soul mates, star crossed lovers doomed to a horrible fate, or something else. He makes me feel alive, even when we argue, though I do long for such things as flowers and dinner dates and not hiding from the world. But, I have those things with Sky. It is a mixed up mess to be sure. Sky feels for me the way I feel for Wyatt and that should be enough for me to turn my back on the on again off again torrid affairs that Wyatt and I always succumb to. It would seem I am as much of a drug to Wyatt as he is for me. Though, I shouldn't jump to conclusions of any sort. It is always hard to read that damnable man. One minute his passion flares red hot and the next he shuts down and throws his walls up. I swear, one day I will tear those walls down and leave him completely vulnerable to me. Not in a harsh, unforgiving way. I just want him to allow himself to be loved and to love without inhibitions. I say it doesn't matter if this happens with someone else but I am such a freaking idiot to even think of writing those words or let the thoughts even fool me. I don't want it to be with anyone else..and again..I will risk everything to be with him. But somehow I cling to Sky as well, afraid to be alone again. Afraid Chris will see the error of his mistakes and work harder and Wyatt will be gone again. No wonder I can never look at myself in the mirror..