Memoirs of Madness~40

Sometimes, you say something you completely stand behind one moment, but in the next wish you could take it all back. Take it back because when the words you spoke come true, you realize they hurt on a much deeper level than you expected. So many times I have told myself to leave this place, to break the hearts I need to and never turn back. It seems so much easier to turn and go, to avoid all the heartache I seem to endure, to avoid the heartache I tend to inflict. I can not give one hundred percent of myself to the man I am with and when I try to give the man I can't seem to get out of my mind, more than one hundred percent..he turns his back. In the end, I was right. My soul wasn't able to be brought back. If it has been, then Wyatt would have come to me first no matter how injured he was. As has been the norm the past few days, I went to Wyatt's place and I am ever grateful that for whatever reason I shimmered in outside his window. Wyatt was home, in Chris arms. I could tell he was injured badly and guilt tore through me at all he had gone through, in vain. I try to comfort myself with the knowledge that Chris could heal him and I can't..but it doesn't ease the sting of watching them look at each other. My glance was only a mere few moments, but it was all it took to somehow shatter me once again. I couldn't even find the energy to pull on my demon powers to shimmer back home. The long walk home found me moving along the beach barefoot and trying to pretend the entire world had vanished into nothingness. Why do I keep doing this to myself? When will I learn that it will never work..ever. He will always go back to Chris and no matter how much of myself I give him..no matter how hard I try..I will NEVER be enough! I'm a demon, for Lucifer's sake!  I should be dominating the world, making people fear me, taking whatever the hell I want! And here I am, alone with my miserable thoughts of feeling somehow betrayed while I betray someone else who loves me unconditionally. Human emotions are too damned complicated or maybe it is only this emotion of love that leaves so many in turmoil. Some times I swear to myself if things between Sky and I do not work that I will no longer allow myself to love. I simply won't let myself become close to anyone at all, ever again. But that is the harshest reality of all. That I look at the possibilities of not being with Sky for a lifetime. I used to think eternity was possible with someone if you happened to find your soul mate, for me I would have sworn it was Wyatt. For me..there is only this eternal back and forth of really never understanding why the heart is not only stronger than my head..but my heart seems to continually want what it can not have...