Memoirs of Madness~37

Playing with fire is a term I have heard often in my existence, a term that has often been used referring to the way I live my life. I go in with both guns blazing, so to speak. Shoot now and ask questions alter, if anyone is left alive, of course. I have spent many life times flirting with danger and enticing into my little bubble. I believe my name may even be synonymous with trouble. I believe someone once told me I should tattoo it on my ass. So many of my pages are filled with thoughts on my love life and with hardly much else these days and maybe I don't pay enough attention to the rest. But, I know who my friends are and I do not struggle with the fact that I love Willa and Shara, my two best friends in the world. They mean everything to me and so I do not need to sort my thoughts out about them so much as I need to sort my thoughts out when it comes to Sky and Wyatt. Or maybe, I am fooling myself and it is mostly my thoughts about Wyatt. His is the face that places me in so much turmoil. But I ma getting off subject. And that is how I invite trouble so willingly into my life. That a lot of times I have no one to blame but myself for my actions and tonight I owe the fire all to a little black dress. I had bought it some time back for some occasion or another, I am not even sure why. It was an impulse buy that I thought I might someday use, despite the fact I rarely ever wear a damned dress anyhow. I was on my own tonight with nothing else to do so I put on the dress and got myself dolled up as if I was going on a date, problem was I had no date to go on for the evening. So, dress plus a bored me, apparently equals trouble as I end up, without a second thought at Wyatt's door. I won't lie about how empowering it was to see his face and watch the fire burn in his eyes as he opened the door. There was no denying that look on his face as we stood there face to face. I think he may have been even hesitant to invite me in, but he did. Needless to say, it felt good to know he couldn't keep his eyes off me. But his hands remained to himself as did mine. Somewhere in the middle of stolen , heated glances we ordered dinner and out and sat down on the couch together to enjoy some Chinese and each other's company. Now, I can't truthfully say that I dropped the food in my lap on purpose because I am a klutz when it comes to chop sticks, it might have been completely on accident. But you know, the dress now needed to come off and be replaced with one of Wyatt's shirts so I didn't ruin the dress further. This was a game I should have never embarked on, I should have never gone there and so I am stuck between two places yet again. One that follows my heart alone and one that follows not only my heart but my head as well. How is it that the war is always seemingly harder fought when it comes to the heart alone. Feeling emblazoned by my small amount of power, I didn't hold back with any type of harmless flirting at this point. But when he touched me, brushing some hair back from my face. I broke, I can't even begin to fathom how many pieces I broke into at this point. One part was scared to death by that touch, another part begged for more, another part screamed at me to run now, and yet another part begged me to push it as far as I could and then leave him wanting. Leave him wanting as I had been left wanting so many times before. Yes, part of me dove into a chance at getting a small amount of revenge. So I went with it, straddling him, demanding his attention, and the moment I knew he wanted me as much as I truly wanted him..even leaving him hanging, pissing him off that way as I simply redressed and asked him how it felt. Somehow I had let my own little game back fire. Now, if I could simply walk out that door..just walk away and leave him needing..wanting..but his anger tore through me and in the end I couldn't walk away. I wanted to hate him for his words, for daring me to walk out that door and prove I was just playing with him when all this time my heart seemed to beat for only him and all I ever felt like was his plaything. But as I said, it does not matter what the head says to you or warns you of. The heart is, after all, the strongest of the two. The heart alone is even stronger than the head and heart combined. And though nothing further happened this evening, I know I have gone down a very treacherous path. A path I know I will hide from anyone and everyone but Wyatt and myself. It is inevitable that we have now started down a path we both know so well, and are so damned good at..no one will ever know. Except for Willa..for with her I seem to keep no secrets at all. I sicken myself with how I seem to glow with knowing I will see him again and torn to know he is all I ever seem to want. He is what I always come back to and it always ends in pain...sadly, as much as I love to play with fire..I know somewhere..I am going to get burned..