Memoirs of Madness~34 REVISED

And just like that, we have found our way back together, taking small tentative steps. I know Sky is wary, worried about getting hurt again, but here we are back together again after all the damage that has been done. I can't, honestly understand how he could even remotely have any feelings for me at all. I would expect them to be all negative and I have Kyra at my throat as well. Not that I can blame her much. If I was smart I would walk away from all of this love and heart break drama. Sky and I both understand where each of us stands, where our hurts and insecurities come from and I am hoping it will make our bond even more strong. As my thoughts scatter a bit, I move back to Kyra and her invested interest on why I should get my shit figured out, why I am not allowed to have both Sky and Wyatt. Does she not understand that I do not want both men, that it's not like that. Some part of me is torn between the two. One is always damning me to a life of heart break and one is always picking me up, cherishing me through every hurt despite hurting him. One would think the choice was easy, that all of the answers are directly in front of my face, especially as I lie safe and warm in Sky's arms, everything seeming to be right with the world again. I think she's after Wyatt as well, Kyra that is. I am not sure how I feel about this. Another woman occupying his time if he and Chris should fail. Jealousy still tends to loom large over me at times and I work day by day and moment by moment to push Wyatt further and further from my mind. He is akin to an addiction that has no cure or not twelve step program to help you through the withdrawal symptoms. Once the addiction has taken over and branded you, I think the best one can do is try and move forward and let the addiction, let the poison, slowly work it's way from your system.  And it is a very, agonizingly slow process. Sky and I are taking things slow and I am not sure if Shara is okay with this or not, I know she is worried I will hurt Sky again. What seems so complicated is so very easy really. He can't or won't see it, but the way he feels over me..all the conflicting emotions of hurt, anger, and love..are the same things I have over Wyatt. The hurt Sky can so easily remember resides within me as well, only it is not Sky who hurt me. I try to focus on my relationship with Sky while the rest of the world seems maddening. Shara who seems so unsure of everything in life, Kyra who only wants me to choose so she can have the other, and Willa..my poor little Willa. And I don't say that in a mean way. I never have much like her boyfriend Tony. The kid has been trouble from the start, but for her, I try to tolerate him as best as I can. He has no sense of respect for anyone and despite what Willa says...I somehow do not think he respects her either. But that is not my choice to make for her. We must all make our choices and either rise or fall from them. I smile as she once complained I was spending too much time with Sky and not her to which I jokingly replied that she never complained when I was wrapped up in her uncle. We share so many memories already, her and I. Good ones and bad ones alike..but I would not change one thing except that I somehow wish she would reconsider her choice of boyfriend. Maybe I am wrong, maybe when no one is around Tony is a completely different person, but I am not sure I comprehend why she allows him to treat others as he does. I wonder does he treat her parents with the same disrespect as he treats me or does he sense how deep within my depths I am unworthy of anyone's respect. Something, I often ask of myself. Especially, when I am in a relationship with what most would consider the perfect man. I am supposing this is another similarity between Willa and I..and even Shara. There is something to be said for falling or going for the bad boy. But, Wyatt is another time and over the days I know his memory will fade into nothing. Besides, he has Chris and Kyra should he choose. He has moved on and forgotten about me. Isn't time for me to do the same?