Memoirs of Madness~22

Each passing day grows a bit easier and I feel the guilt lessen, but never does it completely go away. I don't think it does when you've hurt someone the way I hurt Sky only a few nights ago. I wonder if Wyatt feels the same about Chris because I know he was hurt as well. I wish I had the words to describe just how all of this feels so right but somehow it feels a bit wrong as well. As if we have stepped on people to have this time together. But we are happy, waking up together when we can, eating, going for walks, making love, lying together and talking all night long wrapped in each other's arms, and all without having to hide any of it. I couldn't ask for much more than this. Though, Wyatt still seems reserved, like he is still unsure of all of this and I am not sure if that is my fault or something he may be dealing with internally. He still holds back. It hurts my heart to know he is still unable to truly let go, but he does seem to be getting a bit better at it. I am happy and I am sad or maybe I am possibly waiting for the other shoe to drop. I am trying desperately not to, but that dark cloud still hangs over us. I could find many reasons for it being there, I only wish I could pin point what it was so we could tackle it together. Dare I say that I am afraid that Wyatt's promise will not hold. Every moment we spend together is amazing and I wouldn't trade it for anything because this was the chance I had to take. I didn't want to live with what ifs and wonder for the rest of my life if Wyatt was the one that got away. So, yes, a tinge of fear colors my every day. Wyatt seems fully committed to me, but then again...he doesn't and if we are to continue on together what about family gatherings. Chris is hurt and Chris can hate. I know this first hand. I have heard of stories of another woman who confessed her love to Wyatt and the damage done to her and makes me heart beat just a bit harder to think Chris may very well come for me. And then what shall I do? Do I defend myself against him, protecting myself and risk the wrath of Wyatt should any harm come to Chris or do I let Chris do his worse and pray..yes, I said pray..that I live through it.  Chris..the one subject we can't seem to discuss without any kind of argument. The one thing...the one person I can see undoing all of this. But, I suppose if that is the way it will be, then I was never truly the one for Wyatt anyhow and that thought makes me feel dark and angry. It causes my eyes to burn with unshed tears. Maybe this is all guilt talking and maybe it is the inner instinct keeping me on my toes. I can not tell which it is. For now, I choose to move ahead and try to leave those things alone for now, until we have more time to explore each other and all that we mean to each other. Despite the uncertainty I seem to feel about our future together, the uncertainty that this man will inevitably break my heart again, I am excited. Christmas is coming soon and I am giddy like a child on Christmas morning to celebrate. The thought causes me to smile as I let my mind fill with thoughts of gifts to get and how we will decorate. Me, Ruby, a demon living the life I never was allowed. In love and being loved and celebrating holidays..life is scary...life is amazing...