Memoirs of Madness-~23

It was bound to happen, right? I mean you can't avoid the inevitable. Well, one can try and hope for the best, but sooner or later if it's going to happen...it will chase you down. I know this sounds cryptic and I don't mean it to be. I am just trying to not let myself get too worked up over the whole thing. I suppose if I was in Chris' shoes I would do the same..or would I? I simply don't know. Not at this point of things anyhow. I had a run in with Chris today and as I said I knew it was inevitable. Bound to happen and I guess sooner than later is better? Maybe had it been later I would have been better prepared, maybe if I felt a touch more secure in my relationship with Wyatt, I could have defended myself much better. But I will get to that in a moment. First things first. Chris. Never before has a man made me feel more insecure about who/what I am or the things I am doing in my life. He doesn't even have to say anything, just gives me if looks could kill kind of glare. And as easily as I can hide my insecurities to the world, he relishes in ripping them wide open. I am not sure what he aimed to accomplish with his little story of Wyatt going rogue, going evil and causing ever lasting damage to a girl physically and emotionally. I shudder at the story because it is a truly heart wrenching thing, but something Wyatt has already discussed with me. There is no need to go into a sordid tale of which I do not have every single detail. Why would I? I am not fond of all the things I have done to this point in my life. It is why I spend so much time doing what good I can, seeking some kind of forgiveness for all the history of my horrible mistakes. I would not pass judgement on anyone who has given into their darker side. I only seek to destroy those who would continue to do so, those I know who are beyond saving. I say I do not understand what Chris was aiming for, but I understand his intentions. To throw me off, make me back up, to try and make me believe Wyatt is so horrible that I would walk away from him. It's playing dirty, but I get it. I am merely surprised that Chris is only using words to hurt when he is so much more powerful than I am. I know he hates me, but I do not hate him. He's been hurt, who can blame him, but oh how I have to bite my tongue and remain "proper". Because in some simple truth, Wyatt scares the hell out of me. The hold he has on me, how I am so willing to do anything, even take mean and spiteful words form Chris. Together Chris and Wyatt have the one thing Wyatt and I do not...a long history..and you simply just don't stop loving someone after that amount of time. I hate this feeling like I am constantly walking on eggshells to avoid a fight with Wyatt or a disagreement, for fear any word or words could be my last to him. So I hide my simple fears behind the happiness of being with him. And there is happiness, possibly more than I deserve, but I love being with him. I am just not sure how healthy it is for me to be unable to talk to him about anything...to have to simply act as if Chris and I never spoke. I am not even sure Wyatt can sense part of me holding back. Maybe he is oblivious to it. It's a small knot of fear placed directly in the middle of my stomach and I am working hard on stamping it down. Chris..he is the only one with the power to totally be my undoing..to take Wyatt away from me again. If that were to happen..may hell drag me back down to her chaotic depths...