Wyatt had spent more than his fair share of letting me into his inner most thoughts the past few days, before Sky's proposal. I owed him at least the truth if nothing else and that's why I went to see him tonight. I am sure Sky is wondering why I made excuses to spend some time alone or he already suspects something has happened that I needed some space. This is madness, my life is madness, what I have let myself become, and what a tangled web I have centered myself in. I doubt anyone will care what my thoughts or opinions were after this is all said and done. I will be the bitch, the whore..the demon who is true to her nature. Because no matter what I decide, someone is going to be hurt. Somehow, I can't see anyone ever caring how I feel.
Telling Wyatt was nothing short of like having my heart ripped out again, the look on his face, the accusations he threw at me. How can he accuse me of lying to him about not leaving him or thinking I did this to get revenge, the chance to break his heart. Oh, how some sadistic part of me enjoyed shoving it in his face. And then he threatens to leave. He's calling it quits with Chris, but he is leaving for good afterwards because he can't stand to see me with Sky. The nerve! How does he think I felt when he went back to Chris and had to suffer through that pain! I did not choose to marry Sky out of some sort of sick revenge. I love Sky! Tell me where the harm is in marrying someone you love, who loves you back and can promise you as close to perfect as it gets on this damned planet! No, I want to marry Sky for all the right reasons instead of all the wrong as I did with Dean. It is now, when the real threat to what he wants or think he wants is about to be taken away that Wyatt says all the things he should have said so much sooner. And so I told him...I told him I couldn't live life according to his timing, I couldn't wait to hear all the words that may have changed everything we have already gone through, I can't make his heart decide, and I can't force him to make three simple words come from his lips. Though this last part I did not say or admit to him. I would never want someone to be coerced into displaying verbally rather they love me or not. Love is not done that way. Either you love someone or you don't and if you do then the words should come easily.
And then he said it..I told him it wasn't that I didn't want him to fight for me..I wanted him to want to be that man, the one who wouldn't give up on me. Because he has to want to be that person for me and not because that's who I want him to be. And then he said it...those three little words that made me stop everything I was doing, including breathing. I couldn't move, I couldn't speak, breath, and I sure as hell for several moments couldn't form a single coherent thought. And I have never heard him say anything of love about anyone until that exact moment..when time stood still for what seemed an eternity and he was saying them to me. There was so much behind those words. And as he stood there telling me he had made his decision, he told me he would give me time to make my own decisions now. His last words to me tonight were that if I came to him, if I chose him..he wouldn't let me down. This was his promise to me.
I am torn as I have never been torn before. How do I even come to love two men so completely? How do I decide right from wrong? Or do I already know what is right, but I am hesitant to choose this course? Which part of my heart do I follow? I do know as I sit on this deserted part of the beach I will find no rest tonight. No rest for the wicked and their lonely thoughts. No matter what I do someone will be hurt and that will be on my head...how can I live with myself for doing that? The easier choice would be to leave now and never come back. I would hurt them both this way, but in time I would become a forgotten memory. But I am coward..the heart wants what the heart wants. I just hope someone has the forgiveness in their hearts that I won't have for myself when this is all over with..
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