Memoirs of Madness~26

Christmas held only one small disappointment for me and I hate to admit that it did. I understand that it is time for giving and it is the thought that counts and I can't fault Wyatt for his gift because I do absolutely adore the chocolate lab. I have named him Maltease after the name that Wyatt sometimes calls me. Something to do with when I decide to color my hair brunette for a change and he informs me I am still blond on the inside. Though, I know what he is implying, it is a very endearing name. Both him and Willa kept dropping small hints about my gift the closer it became to Christmas. I don't know, I was expecting something else. Even now I hesitate what I thought he would give me or possibly ask me. It wasn't even about marriage, that I was thinking, but about a commitment, what humans call a promise ring, to be his other half until we were both ready for the next step. I can admit, here, that it did sting a bit when this didn't happen. Maybe I am not enough or maybe I am still not what his heart truly yearns for. I know I am a lot to handle with my small insecurities, my petty demands for some attention, but really all I want is Wyatt unleashed..in a good way. I cower from speaking of the things that worry or scare me and he still holds back a great deal of himself. I don't need anyone to tell me that. It is very easy for me to see. And my gift, cheese worthy, I suppose. I cringe still when I think of it, but as we are still getting to know each other it was the best I could come up with. I made up a basket with movies, popcorn, some other treats and then myself wrapped..or more unwrapped with nothing more than a simple bow. He seemed genuinely pleased, movies and popcorn being one of our favorite things to do. It did turn out to be a perfectly magical time for lack of better words and I let all my cares and worries fade for that day as we simply stayed wrapped up in each other the entire time. These are my favorite moments, the sex is beyond outstanding, but wrapped in each others arms and kissing for hours and talking about little things is almost pure perfection if pure perfection exists. And then it was yanked out as I was pulled away on an important "job" to help the Winchesters. Lilith, the one demon that most of us love to hate is all about bringing about the end of the human race so Lucifer can reign over all. She's a real charmer, this one and doesn't realize just how wrong it will be for all of us if Lucifer is freed. So when her calling card was left, I had no choice but to go. And maybe it is for the best that I have had to go, though I call Wyatt every night or shimmer to him if possible. And maybe it isn't for the best because the rumors have begun to circulate. I only get small pieces here and there from mutual friends of mine and Wyatt's, but all of it despairs me because I am stuck, there is nothing I can do but watch helplessly and beg the powers to be to not take him from me. Part of me wants to just walk away with all the crap I keep receiving from Wyatt's friends..how Chris and Wyatt belong together and I am nothing more than a mere distraction. All these words, like this remind me of just how cruel people can be. The same ones who were happy for Wyatt are now the same ones hoping for us to stumble and fall. I do not understand. Life takes away from each other once in a while and I do not know what I have done to cause Wyatt to suddenly be spending so much time with Chris while I am away. And the most devastating news was the phone call I just received..that they were seen kissing as well...There is one person I could ask and she would know the answers to these questions, these fears, but I know I could not put Willa in that position. I am sure she has seen it in my eyes over the past amount of time before I left. I secretly keep hoping she will drop me hints, but true to who she is she has not given up anything. I applaud her for that, for her convictions. Now, I am sick with regret for who I am and the job I sometimes must do. I hate that I am not enough for him, but I won't give up on him. I simply can't because my heart will not allow it. I have not heard from him in several days, nor can I reach him. I am no good hunting Lilith right now, so tomorrow I return home and find him and together we will decide rather I am worthy of standing by his side any longer or if I shall be cast aside once more..