Saturday, July 21, 2012

Memoirs of Madness~ 29

Someone once asked me if I knew what it was like to stand in the middle of a crowded room, screaming and no one hears you. Until today, I really never understood what that meant. After today I understand it more than I care to think of. I guess I should start with saying love is a horrible thing, it opens your heart and makes you vulnerable. It means that someone has the ability to get inside you and mess you up. His voice was like velvet the last time I faced him down, beckoning to me, luring me in, and appealing to the darker nature ever hiding inside of me waiting to be unleashed. No one will ever know just how close I came as he stood in front of me, his body touching mine and his words spoken softly, seductively near my ear. He wanted me to join him, to take over the underground and rule the world with him. And wouldn't joining him, giving into that basic nature, be so much easier?  There would be no one to stop us or tell us what to do..it would've been so easy. I simply battled it out with his alter ego, stomping down any other choices that might have been placed in front of me. There were glimpse of my Wyatt..the Wyatt I had grown to know and love, but as quickly as I glimpsed them, he was gone again. I was getting nowhere fast and I was exhausted, physically and mentally. My fight to try and save him made me feel like a battering ram. And then just like the simple snap of a finger a few days later, Chris managed to bring him back. I should have been relieved, but the truth of it chills me to the bone and now..absolutely nothing. I have heard nothing form him for several days, he says he needs time to think and all I can think of was his promise to me. His promise he would not let me down this time and that was when I felt it, the sensation of screaming in a crowded room and no one can hear me. When I stood to face him earlier tonight, my heart felt like a fist was clamping it firmly, threatening to squeeze it till it exploded and I would feel nothing once again. The horrid feeling in the pit of stomach more than I could almost bear and then his words. Oh, god, or whoever..if I ever have to hear those words uttered by another man again, I will slit his throat clean through! Who says I am sorry as a break up!? Who does that? After everything I gave up for him? I placed everything on the line for him and now he's sorry. What the hell does that even mean? He's sorry he met me, he's sorry for breaking my heart again, he's sorry I am not enough and then I did the most insane thing. I remained calm! I wanted to rip his god damned heart out for the second time in our short history of knowing each other! I vaguely remember asking why, I think I may have even sat on the couch and looked up at him while waiting for some divine answer to make all of this okay. And like that, with the drop of a hat and a whispered "I'm sorry"...he's going back to Chris. I know I kissed his cheek, placed another small kiss at his ear and told him I still loved him and would still be there for him...I am insane..I have gone off the deep end. How does one recover from this. When does the god damned pain end. Why did I walk away without so much as a fight? Why did he turn his back on me?! What did I do that was so wrong?! Why the hell didn't he step up to the plate for me...fight for me..fight for us! WHY!!!! He promises to not let me down and he gives me nothing! I promise nothing and I have given him everything! I am stuck in this place of utter misery, stuck in a world of anger, hurt, and tears I did not know I had to shed. There is no place left to turn to..Shara and I have only now started talking again like old friends..Sky..has moved on with someone named Kyra and I am happy for him, but I can not speak to him. Willa..it would not be fair to pin her with my angry words against her Uncle or my whispered broken words of why. It's no good..I'm no good..only one thing can numb me right now from all this pain. Alcohol and self destruction...what else is there...he has left me broken and used...



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