Memoirs of Madness~24

It has been a while since I have stole myself away to a  quiet area to gather my thoughts upon these pages again. I have kept myself busy with being with Wyatt and surrounding myself with him, letting go of all my worries and fears. And for the most part it has been good. But I can not shake that damned darkness that hovers like a wet blanket. Every night when it is quiet and I watch him sleep and listen to his even breaths as he dreams, it is there, hovering and threatening. But when we he is awake and playful or even when he is serious and we are lying awake talking, he makes everything seem all right. This man who is a ball of confusion to me can be the biggest teddy bear, say the most romantic things, make love passionately, and anger so easily. It bothers me to a small degree that I can not be so open with him about how I am feeling. And today was one of those days. You would think with my powers to basically mess with anyone I wanted to that I would be a very self confident person, that I would never lower my eyes and feel undeserving, but I do and it showed today as we were out. Everything has been about Christmas lately and the idea of celebrating the holiday with Wyatt has almost over whelmed me with excitement. I think mostly it is about the idea of family for me. And a lot of my thoughts have been what to get Wyatt for Christmas. It's that age old question of what do you get someone who has everything. And he is so no helpful at giving me any ideas, not even a single hint. All I ever manage to get out of him is that he simply wants me and he couldn't ask for more. He is such a sweet talker. As we were out today, shopping for decorations and a tree, I realized just how much his charm and charisma draws the attention of other women. Too much for my comfort and these women range from girls one would deem as average looking right down to excruciatingly beautiful. They would literally pretend to NOT be following us around the different stores just to watch him. I know I have probably already mentioned, if not spoken somewhat of my jealous side and it reared its ugly head today, but so much attention on him made me wonder why me when he could have his pick of any other woman to love and cherish. Amazingly he picked right up on my lowered eyes and the fact that I tried to walk behind him and not beside him. Am I really that transparent or does he just know me so well. When he drew me into his arms and kissed me as if we were the only two in the world, I couldn't help but smile. It really doesn't matter why because it is him and I and it is the rest who should be jealous. The rest of the day went beautifully, finishing up decorations, purchasing the tree, and walking together hand in hand. Then I had to go and ruin it. I blame myself completely. I don't even know how it started or which one of us even mentioned anything to bring up Chris, but there it was...the white elephant sitting in the middle of the room. Does he not see how I cower when he gets angry, or see how I never really say what I am feeling when it comes to this matter. Does he not understand the lowering of my eyes, the way I instantly back down to avoid any more fighting. Me..who never backs down from anything. A demon afraid of the mere mention of a man's name and the anger it instills in the man she loves. He embraces me at the end of this one sided argument that he has won because I am to afraid to fight him on how I feel and soothes me with words that I shouldn't worry so much. For him the day continues on as it did earlier. For me...the darkness hanging over us spreads...