Memoirs of Madness~30

My days are dark and lonely, but only because I choose them to be this way. I can see the concern on everyone's face, but I am not sure even that matters much to me right now. The only person that matters only enjoys in watching me become a shattered fool over and over again. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Shara tries, bless her and I try to put on a smile for here, pretend with time I will be okay. Sky, even he has shown concern, but I don't want him near me, to see him is to know that I have caused him the same pain that I have received. And to know he has been far better at handling our break up than I am handling the one now. And then there's Willa, my precious god daughter and fast becoming one of my dearest friends. I am almost afraid to be around her for fear I will start asking her questions she is not allowed to answer. She is not here for my comfort, she is here for something far more important. So, I send my days drinking in seclusion. I prefer no one be a part of my complete undoing. If I manage to avoid not drinking, I spend my days in anger. I have destroyed several things in my apartment, including a mirror tonight which ended in a few nice cuts on my hand. It is the only time I have broken thus far in front of someone and it was Willa. It is why I don't want her near me right now. Because I asked her why tonight, I was angry with her over something that has nothing to do with her, I accused her of being like him in mannerisms and this pushed my anger further. So it is best everyone stay away from me and allow me room to destroy myself as I see fit. All this crap about there are still people here who love means nothing to me in the throes of  this pain. Everyone has moved on so easily and I am stuck in the ceaseless nightmare of booze, no sleep, and hunting. Even my hunting scares me for I don't even bother with the mere idea if the demon is doing wrong or simply minding its own business. It no longer matters to me. If it is a demon, it will die a bloody death with no questions asked. I relish the violence like I have never had before. It is like a balm over my icy heart. But like the alcohol, it soothes and numbs for a short amount of time before I must move on to the next kill or the next bottle of booze. Alcohol, shameless dancing and flirting at the clubs, blood baths..it is all of what I have become now. It used to be all I ever knew and now I find it to be what I know best. After all, isn't that where we belong, doing what we know best. After tonight I will no longer ask why because I know longer care. I know why, because I was not good enough for him, I am a plaything, beckoned when needed and tossed aside when one is done playing with me. And so my days go...alcohol, moments lost because I am so numbed from drink I can't remember where they went, nights clubbing and partying, and evenings spent killing anything I can. And those rare moments when someone does try to see me, I am learning to pretend..pretend I healing slowly, reminding them to give me time, pasting on a smile, and wishing the world away. How is t I have fought so hard to "live" and love and all the demos in the world would hunt me to destroy me. and now that I wish an ultimate death, to exist no more they run and cower in fear when I approach! Even if I beg them to kill me, they turn a blind eye to my pleading, laughing at me as they walk away. None of them will ever turn their backs on me again not when they see what I am capable of when my rage consumes me..what a life I have succumb to. Broken hearted and used up, I am one moment a drunkard and a tease..for no one will ever touch me again..and in the next..a horrifying avenging angel to be feared..