Memoirs of Madness~31

The anger comes and goes over the past few days and now mostly is just this extreme emptiness within me. A place where he used to exist. A place I believe I will never let anyone enter again. If there ever was a time i was unsure if I had cried or not. I am no longer unsure, because it seems it is all I do when I am alone. I have looked back over what I have written since the day I have met him and every sign was there for me to run like hell because I was becoming involved with someone who would never give back to me what I was giving him. On all accounts he looks like a total ass and maybe he is. Maybe he's more screwed up than I ever could be or maybe..maybe...there's a reason I can't stand to look at myself in the mirror. Maybe there is a reason I would rather slam my fist into my reflection than to dare look at myself one moment longer. And maybe there is a reason all my fight is gone. I can't figure out if I don't know or I simply don't care. I am so tired of people telling me to suck it up and quit being so over dramatic, to quit moping and get over it. Who are they to tell me these things? Have they not had their hearts ripped out, torn to shreds? Have they ever not felt worthless and unlovable. I think this break up had led me to see things within myself, I wish would have stayed hidden. I am clearly seeing all of my weaknesses and it is unnerving. I need to be accepted, I need to feel and be loved, I need to love, I need to know I am more than the bad parts. It is amazing how no one will ever remember all the good you have done until you are dead and gone, but while you live..while you exist..only the bad things are spoken of and remembered. I can put on the brave face around everyone, even Wyatt if we happen upon each other, and i can do it quite well. It is nobody's business what I do or how I feel in the darkest moments when I am alone. But what do you do, when you've been torn apart by the one you would give everything to? I am not strong like Sky who has found happiness with Kyra..I can not fathom a life without the man I would die for. And, oh the pain of knowing he does not feel the same. The tortures of hell have nothing on this pain called heartbreak. I know Lilith is still playing hide and seek, maybe it is time to call her out and give her what she wants, but I still cling to the friendships I have formed. Some part of me still clings to that hope..and that kind of love, though I am unsure why when all I want to do is be alone with my pain. The pain that not even alcohol can numb any longer. And there is Maltease who comforts me by never leaving my side when we are together and yet remains a painful reminder of what is now gone. His memory is every where, I can not escape even if I tried. I am tired, I am broken and all I have is hope that one way or another..all of this will somehow either find a brighter path or completely destroy me...