Memoirs of Madness~67// Part 2~Paris

To say I am giddy is an understatement. I am such a ball of energy since arriving here. My mind won't slow down it's thought processes long enough to allow me to catch a breath. I sit here watching him sleep, my notebook settled on my lap as I listen to the even sounds of his breathing. I had given up the idea of soul mates and "meant to be" romances long ago, but there must be something of the truth behind the concept. I can no longer believe that Wyatt and I constantly drawn together for no reason at all. We are like an unstoppable force of nature when things are good between us. Unfortunately, this is Paris. Home will be another matter all together. But for now, there will always be Paris. We spent the afternoon playing like lovers do and I forbade myself to speak any more of what all of this meant, what would happen after Paris. I forbid myself to consider I was headed for another broken heart. The evening, when the city lit up and came to life, found us on top of the Eiffel Tower, Wyatt's arms wrapped around me securely from behind as we watched fireworks off of the Seine River. I can be honest with the fact that my heart saddened at how perfect this all felt and how right it seemed to be. And knowing, on the other hand it was so wrong. One thing about my time spent with Wyatt that I could always count on was that we were happy. And we didn't just love each other, we were in love with each other and still are. No matter how much either of us may deny it or even at times doubt the other, it was there. It was moments like these, combined with everything else that came with being with Wyatt, that kept me coming back. Here, I could see in his eyes and in his actions, the person he could be if he allowed himself that luxury. Not about to let the moment go unsurpassed without something even more spectacular, he guided me to the other side of the tower where not a single person lingered. From this side there were no spectacular fireworks to be seen. Diving from the top floor of the Eiffel Tower and watching the ground reach up to race you is not for the faint of heart. Though, I must be honest in saying I closed my eyes the moment Wyatt, with me secure in his arms, managed to jump from the tower. Somewhere midway, my scream was cut off by the worse sort of fear that we were about to die. Only to open my eyes, with my body safely against the ground and the this big giant of man, grinning from ear to ear, covering his body with mine. He was like a kid in a candy store as I chastised him, though part way down he had orbed us to safety. It is the difference between night and day to see him like this and I couldn't help but grin back at him. We finished the night off atop the Arc de Triomphe on the Champs de Elysee yelling at the top of our lungs of our love for each other. Again, the moments are nothing but undeniable joy and happiness, but the twinge settles in my heart and causes it to ache. I say we will always have these moments no matter what happens next, but to have to give them up still threads your mind with fear. I think we should bring Matthew here with us and simply live our lives out in Paris. But I know to utter such words would bring a reprimand from Wyatt. There are things that must be attended to back home if we are truly to be together. I can feel deep down that something has shifted, something has changed for both of us, that this time is not the same. I simply don't know what that means at this time..what have we shifted to? This is it..this is when we finally get it right..or this is truly it..our last big fling? Even I can't believe that one..it's hard to stand against nature..when nature wants to run it's course... 

Memoirs Of Madness~66// Part 1~Paris

Paris.
The past few nights have been a whirlwind and my head is still spinning. I am not sure I can get all of my thoughts out in one night. Or sort them all out in one writing! Amazing  heartbreaking, scary, crazy, and probably a million other emotions could round out what has happened recently. A few nights ago, Willa and I were out riding her broom, and yes I said broom, trying to forget the hardships of life and find some sort of release. Me, I simply wanted out and away. A chance to breathe and be myself, a chance to figure things out. Wyatt and I started out by talking, but slowly moved into our old routine, secretly seeing each other. I know I am like six million times the fool, but I could never make anyone see or understand the hold this man has on me, the depth of love my heart holds for him. I think he could break my heart a million times and a million times more I would go back to him. The heart knows what it wants even at the peril of being broken. But the secrecy was wearing on me. After all, what good is your love for someone if it can't be shared? With nothing better to do, Willa finally managed to wind up on the top of the Golden Gate Bridge just hanging out. And I told her I needed a break, to get away from everything. Matthew was with Wyatt for a few days so it was the perfect opportunity. Her answer was to leave me alone on top of that damned bridge. Have I mentioned how damned much I hate heights. I suppose I could have shimmer, but after a few drinks I tend to not travel magically so well. I suppose I would have been fine if I would have tried, but I called for Willa to get her ass back and then Wyatt's name fell from my lips. He had once been my Whitelighter and it seemed natural to call on him for help, not that I truly expected him to show. But there he stood, larger than life and looking like my damned savior, or even an angel, as far as I was concerned. He had that damned smirk he had seems to wear when he knows I am less than happy. As if my pissiness is his entertainment. All I said was I wanted out of here, meaning off the bridge , of course. We wound up in Paris, in a room using a stolen identity after I dressed as a butler and him a bell hop. With Matthew safely with Wyatt's mother, we had a few days to ourselves. Our first day was spent, "securing" ourselves a room and then heading out for clothes shopping. Considering neither of us brought clothes with us, we were in dire need of something other than our "costumes". Wyatt is another person when it is him and I and no one else around. He tried on clothes that had me laughing so hard I thought I would pee myself. He was fun, he was carefree, he was himself. Or the self I knew he could be if he would let down his walls. This was what I wanted, this was what I was searching for, this was the two of us loving each other with no inhibitions. This..was Wyatt enjoying life without that dark look in his eyes holding him back. Once finished shopping and me with my red beret atop my hair, we walked along the Seine River watching people enjoying snacks. I tried to let go of everything and not worry about things back home or our situation, but it was like the elephant in the room. It was so frustrating trying to talk to him about what we were going to do because he had no answers. My words, my questions took the light from his eyes. But just as the words took the light from his eyes, the lack of his answers tore at my heart. I say I would go back to him a million times over, but to hide my love, to always be unsure of how he really feels took the light from my own eyes. As much as I would always go back, I always hate myself for knowing it will be in secret. Our conversation brought us both down as we got sandwiches to take to the park, continuing our walk. Though our words were few and we were quiet for a time, Paris is infectious when it comes to lovers. It is hard to not be a part of all of it. There was nothing to compare to kissing Wyatt in the middle of Paris, the Eiffel Tower in the background, people smiling at us, the two of us not hiding our affections or love for each other. And this was only the afternoon of the first day of our visit. We had yet to worry about the fact that when we returned home that public displays of affection would once again be forbidden..

Memoirs Of Madness~65

It all became too much at some point this evening. I thank the gods, fates, or whomever for Matthew's great aunt Phoebe, Wyatt's aunt. She has been a life saver whenever I needed a few moments to myself now and again. No questions asked, maybe a concerned look or two, but she never pries and I am thankful for this. I like the walls around me because they are safer. At least I thought they were until I packed the last box of a few things had left behind. It seemed my whole life unraveled at that moment, though I held it together until Phoebe came and took Matthew back to the Halliwell Manor. Then I found myself at the beach in nothing but shorts and a tee shirt. As late as it was I should have had something more on because I was chilled to the bone and yet..I could not feel it. I have nothing left to give anymore. I have lost myself in this game I have played over the past few years, thinking I could find my humanity and cling tightly to it, but I have failed over and over again. Love no longer exists in my world and I had decided that Matthew should be brought up by his name sake's family. I have no legacy to leave him with but bitterness, anger, loneliness  and heartache. I wasn't sure why I had come here, what my intentions seemed to be because the tears refused to fall, but the pain refused to let go. I wanted to scream and vent, but to whom. There was no one to hear me, no one to tell me things would eventually be all right..that I would also be all right.
And, like an angel, without wings he was there. My guardian angel, the man who plagued my dreams constantly, who made my thoughts a living hell to deal with on an almost daily basis. I had told no one that Sam had left, but there Wyatt stood in front of me with that look on his face. Not pity, but the look that says he somehow knows. How does he do that? How does he always know exactly when to show up even when I have kept my entire crumbling world to myself. I want to hate him, hate him because it's easier than the wave of emotions that suddenly flood me and break the dam that had been keeping everything together. Strangely, he doesn't even have to ask or speak a single world and I unleash all the fury and pain that is inside of me. I cry, I scream, I sob, and I scream some more as I come at him with fists to beat against his chest as I straddle him on the ground. I can't even remember how we had got into that position all I knew was that my rage was directed at him. If he had simply been around and not so busy, i would still be his and none of this would be happening. I wouldn't feel so used for what seemed like the millionth time in a few years. And he remained silent and he remained still until I was spent and had nothing left in me but the gut wrenching sobs I couldn't stop. The kind that shake your entire body. And then he simply held me as I declared through my sobs how I was finished with love..how it was no longer something I wished to be a part of. I know he told me I was foolish, that I couldn't give up as he soothed me. And I know other things were said, I know I woke a short time ago in my own bed with no knowledge of how I got there. I am finished with it all anyhow..except for Matthew. I can not turn my back on him and Wyatt...
I love him. And if god does exist he is a cruel cruel being to allow me to love that man the way I do. Even now, the passion burns hotter than the sun and I can't breathe when I am near him. And yet, I turn my back on him because I have no choice. He made his choice and it was not me. Only Wyatt can still break the walls with a simple look, without a single word. A single touch makes me tremble, when he held me I wished that I could damn myself a hundred times over to be rid of the way I feel about him. It has been a few years since we first met, several heartaches later, and I want him more today than I ever did. He is punishment. Hell was only a precursor to the true torture of this demon's soul..a love I can never touch, never hold, never call my own, and never feel the all the consuming beautiful fire of his passion again. Yes..this is my own personal hell and I helped to create it..

Memoirs Of Madness~64

I knew it would come to this, deep in the very pit of my stomach it sat like a stone. And yet, one can not fathom the effects it still had on me. So many angry words, so much shouting, accusing, and so many lies exposed. And for once in my miserable little existence, I wasn't the one knee deep in the lies and even when he as exposed for the liar he was and fro the truths I had found out, Sam still continued to lie. The lies and truths no longer matter, the pain of knowing I am incapable of being loved does matter. I write once more with my son tucked sweetly in his bed, grateful that his grandmother Piper had him in her care during the angry out burst that ended with Sam leaving with words that still sting like a son of a bitch. He hopes I get everything I deserve..trust me these were not the words of a man wishing anyone well. I am tired of crying, I am sick of making mistake after mistake, I grow weary of the pain I should not feel for I am not supposed to have a heart, and most of all I am finished with love and its hateful games. Love is an illusion created by man, a fairy tale that does not exist. There is no white knight or happily ever after. There are no soul mates or truth to the words that there is someone for everyone. There is only this bitterness that always leaves one battered and worn down to nothing and the other moving on to live a life full of sunshine and happiness. For Matthew I am the sunshine, even if it is forced and faked, in the quiet hours of the night the bitterness continues to take root and the anger to begin it's consummation of me. An anger I do not know how to place or react to because this is all my fault. I am too needy, I ask too much, I am unlovable and I force people to think I am lovable. I have hurt people in this quest for love and this is what happens..karma comes back around. How can I raise a child to love unconditionally when I am not even sure what the meaning of the word is. The darkness is so much more appealing now than it ever has been, yet I won't give in. I will swallow my pride and continue forth. No one has to know of these things. I am good at building walls and keeping people out, keeping them from my true emotions. I am a liar born and bred in the depths of hell and this should be a piece of cake, yet how long can I continue with the lie that Sam is another hunt and I am not sure when he will be home. After all, I have no one I really see much of anymore. Willa, Sky, Shara, and eve Wyatt have their own lives they are busy with. I see them all only once in a while. And Wyatt is more concerned with his son when I see him than with me..so hard can it be to suck up the misery and pain of a life I was meant to have. After all..anyone I have cared for or loved I have either hurt or driven away. A demon's path is lonely..it always has been and for me..it always will be..

Memoirs Of Madness~63

History repeats itself. And in my case it repeats itself over and over and over again. I have watched the truth in these words over the centuries of my existence. Fashions come back around, fads fade away and find themselves popular again after so long, murderers still murder, hate still runs rampant, and wars are still fought because humans never learn from their mistakes. It seems I never learn either. Of course to everyone who knows me or even when we are out in public together we put on one grand show, Sam and I as if all is well. And even when I fail at being the consummate actress, no one pays attention anyhow. Not that I need them to. Not that I need anyone else to point out what I failure I seem to be. I sit in Matthew's room now, watching him sleep as I write these words, he is the only comfort in my life, the only thing I have not done wrong. And yet I worry that somehow I will damage him as well. It's been four months since Sam's proposal of marriage and since then things have slowly gone down hill. The story is the same. Duty calls, there are other things more important, and I am not one of them. What is it about me that drives them all the way? What is it about me that I drove away the person who would have stayed no matter what? I search for the answers to these questions and so much more since Willa's birthday party. I couldn't do it. I can't pretend anymore that I feel that giving up is the only real answer here. I am unlovable. I am a trophy to be won and then put upon the shelf. I will only ever be the other woman, the mistress, the whore in most men's life if I allow them in. But no more will I allow it. The next time Sam walks out the door will be his last. He will no longer be welcomed in this home. It is either myself or his honor bound duty. I know already which will win and so I sit with my anger and my hurt and the tired that now surrounds me. I only continue on for Matthew, but will no longer continue on for the love of any man. The one who would have stood by my side deserves much better than I could ever give him. And I know that there is a part of me that will always belong to Matthew's father and so I know now that I can never really commit myself completely to another no matter how hard I try. So this will be it, my swan song, my last attempt at making this work..though I have already resigned myself to its failure. Sam left along time ago and I do not know why he even bothers or pretends to care. A year of lies..a year of teaching me that in the end I am not worthy of such things. I can only hope to do better by Matthew, that I don't shove him away as well..that the son who went back to the future has a change of heart about his mother. Most days, I wish I had never sold my soul so long ago that I would have simply accepted death instead, but to see Matthew in his innocence sleeping before me makes me regret such thoughts. He is here for a reason and deserves every chance at the best life I can give him. I, do not deserve anything. That is clear now and I must pull myself up and move forward. No one notices the turmoil I am in right now and maybe no one will. Maybe Sam will fade away and no will take any notice and not judge at how pathetic a creature I am that I drive every one away from me..maybe Matthew belongs with his father and I can simply fade away as well. Maybe this what is best..maybe..maybe not..

Memoirs of Madness~62

Christmas Eve turned out to be quite a long day. Matthew stayed with Sam while I finished up some last minute shopping and took a bit of time to myself. I have come to learn that sometimes I do need my own time to myself, to think, to relax, and to unwind. There was a time when shopping was the last thing on my mind, but I have to come to find it somewhat therapeutic. Possibly, I am settling into the role of being a human female better than I would have thought I could. I finally drug myself home late that night with everything wrapped and tucked neatly in the bags. I set the bags down and closed the door behind me, smiling at Sam lounging in an over stuffed rocker with Matthew asleep on his chest. Matthew looked so tiny snuggled comfortably there. Though it was touching and I was grateful for Sam treating Matthew with such love and kindness, I could feel the tug on my heart that said this wasn't quite right. I really should be walking into Wyatt cuddled with his son. It was a brief feeling that i shook off as quickly as it had come up. That was no longer a possibility in my life. Wyatt was where he was happiest or at least my heart yearned to believe that. Rather it was true or not would never be any of my business. Wyatt had never ever really let me into his inner self for me to be able to read him completely. In fact, I am pretty damned sure Wyatt has never let anyone in that far, not even Chris. Even now that name is like a bitter pill on my tongue that I want to spit out. So easily he would accuse me of being in the wrong, but it is not so easy to take a look at what he might have done wrong as well. Of course, it is easy for me to shift the blame having been the "other woman" for all of this time. Chris who would disappear for months at a time and come back when it was convenient for him and just assume things would be as he left him. We were not right in sneaking behind Chris back, I make no excuses for the low crap I have pulled and would most likely pull all over again to be in Wyatt's arms once more. God..I could scream at myself! Even now..in this hour of quietness when I should be ecstatic and sharing in these pages of the sweet proposal from Sam..I speak of him..I think of him..I yearn for him! What is this damned madness that consumes me when it comes to Wyatt and why does it only seem to grow as time goes by. Time is supposed to make it lessen! Oh, but heaven and hell the fates are cruel mistresses!
...It is not often that I leave my journaling behind to clear my mind before coming back to finish my thoughts. But this break was needed in order to focus on what happened earlier this evening. I curled on Sam's lap after removing my coat, cuddling Matthew close to me. Tucked into his tiny hand was something, something I pried his little fingers open to retrieve, curious as to how or why he would have anything in his hand. The diamond sparkled in the glow of the fire as it flashed slightly in the light and gaze, unblinking into Sam's eyes. The smile on his face priceless, beautiful, and unforgettable as he asked me to marry him. I said yes, when I am sure most would have thought I would have said no. I do love and care for Sam, he is very much a part of my past, a part of why I came to be here top side with the humans, and this was our time to take another step forward to our future and to me moving on. If happiness is what this is, then I have been mislead. For even now as the light catches the ring and flashes its brilliance, my heart feels heavy and possibly unsure. But this right..I think..to say yes and move forward with my life. A life that I know will be great in the end if I will only allow it to happen. A life that I for the longest time would be spent with someone else, but now that is no longer possible. Why, Wyatt? Why do you continue to hold my heart still firmly in the palm of your hand? Why can I not get you to let go of it and surrender it back to me? What is the power you continue to hold? Why do I love you more and more instead of less...why can't I move on without these thoughts of you like you have moved on as if you and I never really existed...

Memoirs Of Madness~61

November 15th, 2009 12:53 pm.
I never usually place dates on anything I write because it becomes pointless with as long as I have been around and with as long as I have been keeping journals. I am sure anyone could date them easily by the events mentioned here and there in the world. Not that anyone would believe my words if they found them. They would see them as simply a work of fiction at the hand of an unknown author. And I believe that is perfectly fine for me. I haven't written a few months, not after my birthday party. I decided to put these things to rest and focus solely on making my life stress free. To not constantly delve into old wounds and open them up by reading my older ramblings. Much has happened in these few months. Mainly that I feel that I had grown roughly the size of the house, until today that is. But there are a few events leading up to this amazing day..this amazing day that also has become another defining moment that I somehow wish I could do over. Do what was right instead of worrying about what I thought I could handle and what I could not handle. Too often my heart clouds my judgement. I don't think I was able to recover my dignity with Matthew after the disaster of a birthday I had. He finally left with Blair. He left without really saying a word. One day he was here and the next he was gone. I believe they managed to help Bianca, but I guess I will never know. And I am not sure why, but the fact he left without a word will somehow haunt me for some time to come. It is a deep seated feeling I can not let go of. Nor have I since really spoken to Wyatt other than a possibility of once or twice to let him know how I am with the pregnancy as time grew closer to giving birth. Until today came into our lives. I wrestled with the birth of Matthew for the entirety of the past two months. I wrestled with how things will be when it comes time, who will be allowed in the room and who won't. Willa has asked to be there and I can not deny the one friend who has been there through everything. The one who never turned her back on me for even one single breath of a moment. And, of course Wyatt should be there. It is his son. But I am swallowed by a fear so great that it keeps me up at night. I do not think I can bear to be in the same room with him in such an emotional state. Not without some kind of shield to protect me. And Sam is that shield. But Sam should be allowed as well, after all he has taken care of me, seen me through this pregnancy and treated me like a queen. It is not fair to allow Sam because he will be my safe haven, my 'shield', this should be Wyatt's moment to not be shared with another man and yet I could not change my mind once it was set. 
November 15th, 2009 12:53 pm
Matthew Warren Halliwell is born. And my happiness is over shadowed by the mistake of making Wyatt share this moment with another man. I sit now, watching our son sleep soundly swaddled in a blue blanket. He is beside me in the living room as I sit journaling, my thoughts only torn from these pages with each small movement he makes. I am a nervous mother, always checking to make sure he is breathing, always checking to make sure that the things that go bump in the night do not harm him while I slumber. I am a heart broken mother for the stupid choices I have made. I wish things different now that they have passed. Not that Wyatt and I would be together as he has found his happiness with another and I believe so have I. But that I should have nor been a coward, faced down my fear, accepted that I will always love this man with a raging fire, and allowed him the glory of this afternoon. My soul is somewhere weeping right now at what I have become. I weep right now for all that seems so lost. If I could say anything in these pages to redeem myself, I can only think of two.
1) My words to Matthew..no matter what this world affords us or what dangers we may face, remember from the moment you were conceived that it was done in love. And remember that you will always be well and truly loved more than you could ever know.
2) My words to Wyatt..I am so so sorry. Today should have been yours and yours alone. What I have done and what I asked you to do was so unfair and never will there be enough apologies that could ever undo today. No matter what has happened between us, you deserved better from me and for that there is no forgiveness. As I have said above for Matthew..so I say for you as well..since the day you fell into my life you have and will always be well and truly loved as well. Nothing in this world could ever change the fire that will always burn bright for you..no matter what the world throws at us..

Memoirs Of Madness~60

I wonder if there will ever come a time when things are right in my life. When I no longer have to fight for anything, when I no longer feel guilty for my choices, or when I will stop being judged by those around me. Not that everyone judges me, but there sometimes come defining moments in your life where all eyes are on you, waiting to see how you will react. And inevitably it will never be the right reaction. And even no one speaks a word, it is there in their eyes. I wish I could burn parts of tonight away forever, I wish I could go back and change how things turn out, and I wish that the past would simply lie where it is supposed to and allow for me to move on with less complications. I thought all of this would be the case when Sam and I started seeing each other, but somehow it is not exactly the case. I observe my surroundings at all times without fail. It is who and what I am and how I have always survived for as long as I have. One should never let their guard down when you live the type of existence I do. When you are what I am or have become. I love Willa for the chocolate birthday party, I sincerely do. Her and a dear friend Bella put the party together and friends were there I had not expected to see. I am not sure where things started to go wrong, but it was one of those moments when it all seemed to happen at once and you don't know exactly how to pinpoint the defining moment when you should have made better choices. I think, if I truly try to put my finger on it, things went wrong when Matthew showed. Not that I didn't want him there. I was thrilled to see him, but he seemed less than thrilled to meet Sam and his attitude and language proved that fact without leaving a single doubt in either my or Sam's minds. I demanded an apology for Sam, whom graciously said was not necessary, saying Matthew was entitled to his opinion. Maybe, I should have let it go, but had I seriously raised a child who would be so rude and inconsiderate to someone they just met? I can understand the fact that it's not his father, but Matthew should have had enough respect to know his father and I are not together. From there it moved to another friend, whom had been trying to find a way for us to move our relationship beyond friendship, who deemed it necessary to inform the world what a bitch I am. Simply because I have never felt any kind of spark with him. It is one thing to know the world sees you as the ultimate bitch, but for a "friend" to announce it in a cold hearted among a gathering of friends is a whole other thing. I am sure between Matthew refusing to apologize, my anger causing a lamp to blow apart, being called a bitch, and then Wyatt showing as well. I didn't stand a chance at keeping any civility about me. I know Wyatt was trying to maintain his secrecy as if he had never shown, but I saw him and asked what he was doing there. Mistake on my part as Matthew found another opportunity to chastise my choices. It's not that I didn't want Wyatt there, I was completely caught off guard. I keep mentioning how people seem to see right through me lately and not really see me, this was another of those times. Because despite the hostilities between Wyatt and I, we had become amicable and decent with each other, but seeing him face to face..it brought a lot of emotions to the surface. No one saw the butterflies roar to life in my stomach, no one could feel how my arms longed to draw him close to me, to kiss those lips and run my fingers through his hair. No one felt the shame I felt for feeling those things with Sam standing beside me. Instead, my own son still unborn but staring me down in anger has judged me, a friend due to his own insecurities has judged me, I am sure Wyatt has judged me for the blurting out of my words, and it was written in the faces of the silent party. One of those defining moments in my life and I had failed it, simply because no one has a true understanding of what I am struggling with inside of me. A million apologies were given to Willa for the destruction of such a beautiful idea as Sam took from the party. In his defense, Sam tried. He had an impromptu picnic down near a lake where we had first enjoyed burgers together and caught up on old times. The diamond necklace was beautiful and his attempt at saving the rest of the night was very noble and even heroic in a way. But even now, it is the pendant received from Wyatt, one charged with helping to keep the baby's ever growing powers in check, that holds my gaze and wonder. The gesture came from somewhere deep, even if no one else perceives it this way. For me, it was the most important gift I had received. How is it when we are apart, he gets me, he understands me and knows what I need. When we are together I am next to invisible. When will I find myself in the presence of a man who doesn't see completely through me. Sky, whom made me feel I needed to keep myself reserved with him. Wyatt who never seemed to completely give himself to me and made me feel less than the person I had thought I was. And Sam who tries, but I am not so sure that in the end he is where I am supposed to be. I have heard it said that a woman's heart is much like the ocean..deep and full of secrets. but I think there is something most people fail to see or understand. Or, maybe, simply I am different in the way I feel. I would give anything to find the one man who would be willing to dive to the depths and not be afraid of the secrets there. A man I can completely be who I am. In all my moods..in all my emotions...without judgement..someone who truly sees who I am and who I can be..

Memoirs of Madness~59

The more I get to know my son, or maybe in this case, the lack of getting to know my son..the more I question rather I am a capable mother. He is so distant and almost cold like when he is around. Maybe it is simply me and my perception of him. I understand he can't say much due to the critical nature of changing something important and destroying the future he has come to know. I know enough to know he is here with Blair, Bianca and Chris daughter, and they are here to help Bianca who has given up hope on her life. I can understand her fears at how capable we are or are not at being parents. It's a damned sight scarier than worrying about the confines of hell. In the pit it is only you and whatever eternity of torture you have signed on for. Having another life in your hands, one that is the epitome of innocence is an incredible gift and responsibility. I try not to push him or ask too many questions,but it is extremely difficult to not be concerned about him and Blair. Blair, who I believe harbors some of her father's resentment of who I am. Chris will never see me as anything less than the one who ruined his life and there is nothing I can do about that right now. Though, I am sure he could care less now, considering he got what he wanted. One would think life is pretty much breeze right now. With Sam, being pregnant, everyone and everything seemingly where they should be. But what no one knows is that I busy myself with Matthew being here so that I can't focus on the fact that there is still a touch of emptiness within me that I can't quite place my finger on. What more could I ask for? So why I should I still feel this yearning for something more, something I feel I am missing. Sam is mostly around, but much like Wyatt before I called off the engagement, sees through me. Matthew would rather not deal with an over bearing protective mom. I see Sky and Shara when I can, but even that is still difficult after all the hurt that I have caused. Even they, don't see it. Willa, may sense it but she is so wrapped up in that damned boyfriend of hers. I would love to give that kid a piece of mind with no one else around and then send him away from her. He is toxic to her. But that is getting away from my own semi troubled thoughts. I am in this alone, juggling so much, and trying to maintain the fact i don't need anyone to help me through. I could list everything here that jumbles my mind, but that would bore even myself to have to do a mental check on why I am so screwed up most days. The whole demon thing aside, of course. I can't even be sure I am all too excited about my birthday or not. After all, when you have lived several lifetimes over..what's another year. 

Memoirs of Madness~58

There was a time when I would have never believed that time really does heal all wounds. I am not sure I believe that I know, but I have a better understanding of it. I have to admit, I never thought I would find happiness again outside of all the unhappiness I had tangled myself in, but truth is..life with Sam is pretty decent. We get along beautifully, he takes care of me and makes sure I want for nothing, is ever mindful of the baby on the way, and is around all the time. He's also been very patient with me ever screwed up emotions when it comes to moving forward with our lives together. And anyone, who might be unlucky enough to dive into my brain, would know just how screwed up they have been. But, then again, it seems everyone has moved forward with their lives with one step or another. As true as all of this is, I would never deny that my heart still belongs to Wyatt, though I find myself tangled in his web less and less, there is no substitute for him. I know that, even now, I would more than likely give serious consideration to giving everything up for him, again. Oh, what a foolish heart I have. One that may possibly never figure it out that Wyatt does not want me. Or so I have led myself to believe. I am not sure which is a more bitter pill to swallow. That I wasn't who and what he needed or that he never loved me at all. You know, the whole distraction/plaything object for him.But now it is time to move ever more forward. There are plans to be made for the baby's birth and how we will handle things with visitations and holidays. The baby. My son. Wyatt's son. I keep avoiding writing anything down because it all still seems surreal. And I have to keep reminding myself that I have seen far crazier things. Someone from the future visiting the past is not so outlandish. But when it is the son you have yet to give birth to..things take on a far more different outlook. Matthew Warren Halliwell. Our son. I was drinking a cup of coffee at a local coffee shop this morning, minding my own business, off in my own little world when it happened. The moment I saw him something inside me knew. My coffee cup fell from my hand only to be caught in his hand with lightening quick reflexes before it fell to the ground. All I could do is stare at the boy who was or who will be the spitting image of his dad. I have yet to figure out why he is here, I was simply too busy looking at him and trying to wrap my mind around the fact that though he was still growing within my womb..here he stood before me in all of his sixteen year old attitude. How does one deal with a teenage son in the flesh who hasn't even, technically been born yet..and people wonder why I am completely crazy at times...

Memoirs of Madness~57

I remember all too well all those many nights I had spent in run down motel rooms, trying to stay inconspicuous and always on the move. It sucked, for lack of better terms. I think that is what first led me to finally tell Sam it was perfectly fine for him to stay with me at my place. After all, the spare guest room was not being used for anything. One little meaningless "picnic" in the park led to many such nights of hanging out and catching up. Sam and his brother Dean had parted ways for a bit of time to gather some perspective on their own lives. It seemed Sam was enjoying learning to live a life without hunting and lately I had joined that team of retired hunters. I simply had too much to risk with the baby still growing inside of me. Our late night talks came to the point where sending him away to some lonely motel room wasn't what I deemed necessary. Where some relationships became broken, some others were being mended. I rarely spoke to Sky or Shara, though the feelings remained not quite so hard between us. Willa is very wrapped up in Tony, from whom I prefer to keep my distance. He simply brings out this inner rage I try to keep squashed down and then my powers do crazy things like blow things up. I would hate to truly screw up and blow Tony up, Willa would never forgive me. And Wyatt..I guess we are amicable together. It is the best either of us can do in the situation and each day grows easier to talk once more and find some kind of passive friendship, though my heart still tries to scream and shout and how much of a mistake this all is. I have learned to tell my heart to shut up and simply move forward. I am not so sure when it truly became official or even what moment changed everything or maybe I do know and figure it's really no one's business, not even these pages I have grown addicted to writing my thoughts in. Sam has been incredibly sweet about the whole baby thing, making sure I am taken care of while he stays with me. It's been refreshing and I believe something changed the morning he swept into my room with a tray and served me breakfast in bed. Propped up next to me on the bed, we enjoyed a bite to eat, a bit of conversation, and then something much more intimate. It wasn't something that happened over night. For the first time in ages, since Sky and Wyatt..I made myself hold back. Though there was a bit of tension here and there between us, we both denied it for weeks and weeks on end. It was worth the wait. Now Sam is living here with me and maybe this is the most "normal" existence I have fallen into. except last night when the phone rang. It was Wyatt calling to let me know that he and Chris had eloped in Vegas. I joked about them making sure to have some kind of reception or party when they were back. I even joked about being angry that I wasn't invited. I wished them both the best of luck before hanging up, telling Wyatt how extremely happy I was for him and I was..I am because he sounded genuinely happy. I filled Sam in on the call and then excused myself to the shower. Crying in the shower is extremely therapeutic and no one else will ever know about it. I was happy, but I was crushed as well. How do I even explain how I have moved on, out of the vicious cycle my life had become into something new and here I was crying my heart out. Feeling the jagged edges being torn apart again. I would never dare to try and explain it because I can't. Because it was supposed to Wyatt and I. I don't know if I hate myself more for not being strong enough to hold it together while he was always away or I hate him more for not fighting for us. For simply being angry at me for betraying him with a kiss to another and watching me walk without a fight. I try not to seem to distant with Sam and so far I am doing well, because I really should give him one hundred percent. It's tough when ninety percent is with someone else. I can deny it all I want...move forward all I want..but those pieces of my heart that are still shattered and will always remain shattered can only be pieced back together by one man...

Memoirs of Madness~56

And so my life became what I was used to it being, by my own choices as it always had been. Not that Sky didn't give it a valiant effort, but I couldn't bring myself to keep repeating the same damning path my life had become. Wyatt, then Sky, back to Wyatt..and then Sky again. It had become an unhealthy way of living. So I chose myself this time. After all I will bringing a child into this ungodly world and he needed a mother who was sure of herself or it could be a huge downward spiral of issues. I had enough of my own without imposing them on my child..on Wyatt and my child. I am not sure Sky was all to happy with my decision, but I think he understands the need to figure out who i am without all of the other stuff in between. I hear, through the grapevine that Wyatt and Chris are trying again. I am not sure rather I am happy about this or not. I am full of mixed emotions on the whole thing, but what else is new about my feelings when it comes to Wyatt. I am good with my choice to leave love and romance behind, I guess it's a bitter pill to swallow to know Wyatt went right back to Chris as if what we had was just a passing irritation. Somehow, I thought he might figure it was time for him to figure things out as well. Though weeks have past since I heard that news. I work at keeping myself calm and settled to avoid any crazy mishaps. The truth is I have become invincible between my powers and the baby's. It makes me wish Wyatt and I could see eye to eye more. The first couple of weeks were the hardest. At first I swore Wyatt could simply have custody of our child after I gave birth and I would disappear, make his life easier. But, this is my home as well and I couldn't really leave it. I haven't had a place to call home in centuries and things change when you realize you are about to become a mom. Then I figured I preferred not to see Wyatt and suggested a "safe" person to take our child back and forth so we wouldn't have to see each other. I feel foolish now, in hind sight, I think both of us were hurt and wounded and angry words always seem easier than facing the hurt. Though, some days I find myself wondering if he really hurt at all or he was relieved I called things off. There are nights when the loneliness is still too much to bear and I catch myself crying myself to sleep. Mostly for everything that seems to be lost and because I fear I will never live up to the expectations of being a good mother. Don't get me wrong, I miss him. How could I not? Those kinds of feelings don't ever simply shut off or go away. I don't care what all the best therapists or wise people tell you. They never ever fade..
On a much lighter note, I took a walk this afternoon along a row of little quaint shops in San Francisco I had come to love. I spent my time walking slowly and doing a bit of window shopping. As a hunter you learn that each individual has a distinct energy or smell if you will, about them. Sky has one, Willa, Shara, and Wyatt. Anyone I have ever been close to..their auras stay with me. This one was strong, familiar, haunting in its every essence. And as I turned our eyes caught and a small smile moved over his lips in greeting. Sam Winchester..a blast from the past, someone I assumed I would never see again after all that had transpired over the years. And most certainly did not expect a smile to greet me. Sometimes, people come into your life for a reason and right now it was nice to see an old familiar face from the days when everything made sense. We're meeting for dinner tomorrow. Nothing major..just burgers and fries in the park and a chance to catch up on things we have missed ..

Memoirs of Madness~55 Part 2

No one will ever know just how much pain my heart has taken on since the day Wyatt blew into my life like a damned storm. It seems almost laughable that I at one time nicknamed him Tropical Storm Wyatt, but it is very fitting. He is there like a fierce wind, turning your life into this bizarre sort of chaos that at times is beautiful, but then he is gone and leaves you in pieces scattered everywhere. If these pages ever fall into someone's hands I can imagine what they will ask or think. Is she crazy, why didn't she just choose one man or the other and simply stick to it, why didn't she walk away from both of them, that thing/demon is a harlot and a whore..and maybe all of this is true and maybe these are questions I should ask of myself and think deeply on. But, you see..I have given my heart to the one I choose only it would seem he has not chosen me. Worse than that is the feeling he has chosen me, but not fully or completely. It's like he wants to be with me but holds himself back from committing one hundred percent. I told him about Sky and the look on his face was worse than when I told him I was pregnant with another man's baby. I didn't bother with telling him how I truly felt, how this whole mess was killing me slowly. What would it matter? It would not bring him around more or change things. I can not force him to be with me wholly if he still doesn't know for sure what he wants. Maybe, he does know and is simply afraid to give into it. I don't know, but it hurts to know either choice does not seem to have a place for me in his life. I tried to give the ring back because it was the right thing to do, but her refused it. And calling off the engagement was the right thing as well, because I have become just as confused as ever at what is going on now. Sky offers all the things I long for and Wyatt seems to offer none of these. Though I love both men I can not deny that Wyatt is my first. First when it comes to all of these things i have experienced as a demon, things i was told I would never feel or experience. My first true crush, my first kiss in the rain, my first love..and now it is all gone. Only angry words fill the air between us and I don't know if I should stay or I should go. For now I have retired back to my too big loft apartment with Maltease. Maltease and my all too familiar tears and heart ache. I have so many decisions to make right now. Do I leave or do I stay? Do I give custody of this baby to his father and never look back? Do I let Sky back in and try again with him? Do I forsake the word love and do this on my own? Can I ever truly love again..let someone in so far that I could give them the power to either lift me up or destroy them? One thing I know for sure, I will never love another as much as I love Wyatt. There is simply not enough room in my heart or enough left of my heart to allow this..ever. I wish I had once last kiss, one last moment to make things right somehow, one last chance to tell him despite the hurt and the mistakes he is still the one I long for, the one I can not live without, the one I can not breathe without..he is still the one I would die for..

Memoirs of Madness~55 Part 1

I tried. God, in his all knowing wisdom, if he even exists knows I tried. I substituted my time with healthier alternatives instead of suicidal runs at trying to be some hero. The weeks have grown longer and longer, the moments I see Wyatt have grown further and further apart. I have moved furniture into our new place, ordered new furniture, painted the baby's room and started setting it up, and have noticed I spend more and more time with Sky. I can see it when I write in words, the vicious cycle of always being torn between Sky and Wyatt settling into its comfort zone once more and I am growing steadily tired of allowing myself to be drawn into it. For weeks I ignored his advances and remarks about how he would never leave me alone, but as i cried myself to sleep at night with those words like a dagger to my heart, my heart still only belongs to one man. The one man who seems to have forsaken me. I can't begin to count how many lonely nights I have spent in this strange new house that still isn't a home. Wyatt has yet to eve spend the night, though he has helped pick out our bed. I sleep on the couch night after night with Maltease on the floor next to me. And I try to remain calm and settled, knowing how screwed up my powers and the baby's powers react to the slightest thing. I can no longer do this, I can longer stand to be a throw away fiance. I don't know who I am supposed to be any longer, no do I understand where it is that i belong. I have quit trying when Wyatt is here to visit. And that is all it has become, visits from him with maybe a few moments of passion thrown in, but how can a quickie as humans call them, be romantic? So I pretend to be happy and pretend nothing is wrong and so it goes on and on. He no longer sees me. Rather he seems to see right through me. It has been a while since I have written in these pages because I do not want to face any of this any longer. I do not want to face the inevitable of now telling Wyatt that I gave in to Sky yesterday and kissed him and I wanted to. I needed to feel a connection with someone, anyone. Not that Sky is simply anyone. I awoke this morning after a fitful sleep to find a single red rose on the pillow next to mine, from Wyatt, and my heart broke as it has never broken before. It seems as if it is too little too late. I don't want it to be, but it is. I can no longer live like this, knowing this could be our lives. Me, raising our son. Our son's father only popping in when it is convenient for him. This is no life. And as much as I love Wyatt with every fiber of my being..as much as I will love him like this until the day my existence ceases and I am no longer..I have to let him go. I can not make him happy, of this much I am sure. It seems, I never truly could...

Memoirs of Madness~54

Things always have a way of turning around. Or so I have been told. I don't know. I am still unsure of so many things, including the fact that I spent the entire day with Wyatt and things seemed..normal? Okay, maybe not normal, but better. I think. I was truly surprised that he was even around today for as long as he was, but I could understand his excitement. After I learned of the surprise I could understand it. It felt good holding his hand. slipping back into the old ways of teasing each other and never seeming to get enough of each other's kisses. Though it felt like old times, I could still feel the doubt creeping around the corners of my mind. He took me to a building right near the beach. A building with some pretty amazing condos in it, only to reveal how the one we were standing in now belonged to us. I can not deny what a huge step this is for us. Until now we had spent our time between both of our apartments and there was no denying the look of pride on Wyatt's face. He had done this for us, he had done this for me. I didn't need him to tell me did, I simply knew it.  And the thoughts took over instantly as I walked around the place in complete awe. I ignored the small talk between the stuck up Realtor and Wyatt as they made plans to finalize the paperwork. I showed Wyatt where the Christmas tree would go and how we would have family and friends over to celebrate. Then we headed upstairs and we stood in one smaller room, Wyatt's arms around me as he stood behind me, his hands resting against my belly as he stroked it softly. This was the baby's room. I could picture exactly where the rocking chair would go and his bed, the blue paint that would adorn its walls and suddenly the past few months of feeling broken and unwanted disappeared. It's funny how this man can turn my moods so quickly. But this is what would now occupy my mind. Instead of hunting I will prepare our home and get movers to help me move things in. I will get the baby room ready as well and these things shall now keep my mind from wandering. Though I am alone again tonight, though I have cried while in the shower as I felt the ache of Wyatt being gone far too soon once more, I feel I have a better grasp on what is to come. I do believe Wyatt loves me, I know he does, though he still seems unable to completely let go and open up all the way. I know he seems to not see the walls I have built back up or the subtle changes in my holding back a part of me, I see right through him. He is trying, but he is still so distant and this scares me most of all. If neither of us can completely open up to the other and be honest without fear of being chastised, angering the other, or telling each other our feelings are silly..what kind of future do we truly stand to have? After all..how can the things you feel be counted against you or so easily dismissed..emotions though hidden sometimes..speak more truth than any human or demon tongue could ever claim to..

Memoirs of Madness~53

I have heard from others who have kept journals and diaries that you sometimes go back to read what you have written and laugh at how over dramatic things seemed. I am not sure I could feel that way. As my stomach begins to grow, so do my powers, and so does the distance between Wyatt and I. I am still able to hide the pregnancy should I choose to do so, but I am proud of this child, our son, Wyatt's son. I have come to learn that with my anger comes a nifty little power of blowing things up, even when I don't want to, sneezing causes me to be surrounded by these little white orb type things and I wind up in a completely different room than I started in, and if I feel threatened I am suddenly surrounded by this light mist that turns out to be some sort of force field for lack of a better term. I am..invincible. And it makes it so much easier to make excuses to hunt. I can no longer sit still and wait for the time when he will call or decide to come home. I am not sure I can do this at all any longer. I did not sign up for this. Yes, I knew there would be times when life would pull him away from me and I knew it would not be easy. But there is a difference between a small stretch of the truth and a full blown damned lie. I should know. Demons build their lives around them. I..DID..NOT..SIGN..UP...FOR..THIS!! Nowhere did anyone tell me that I would be lucky to see my fiance once a week, no one told me I would feel this damned lonely, or that my powers would go absolutely crazy. I can not distinguish myself from this child and the one person who could truly help me understand is a billion lifetimes away. I have become an expert at hiding my emotions, more so than when I once did before happening upon this city. I had constructed walls that could not or would not be torn down by anyone. Or so I had thought. I have begun constructing them again. I put on a brave face every time I see Shara or Sky..even Willa when I do see her. It is easy enough to do when they all have their own lives they are involved in. I blend in more than I could ever dream possible. The demon who used to stand out and take no shit form anyone is long gone, in her place now stands a demon who has become invisible. And yet..I still dare to anger Wyatt, to bring him home in anger at me for daring to jeopardize my health and that of our unborn child. And still he seems oblivious to why I do this. I, no longer know what I am supposed to do. My head and heart, both whom thought they were finally settled have once again begun to war with each other. Do I let go of a childish woman's dreams or do I hold onto the love of a lifetime?

Memoirs of Madness~52

I am thankful for the things I do have in my life, don't get me wrong. I have heard humans say that god does not give you anymore than you can handle, but I am not exactly what you could refer to as a god fearing human. And you would think that I would be exceptionally happy that Sky and I have slowly begun to talk again and even Shara has let me back into her life as well, but there is something missing. Something Sky, Shara, or even Willa can not fill. Not something..someone. The days have grown excruciatingly long, the nights sleepless and cold. He just seems gone and when he does come home I feel like a child who is being punished for having any emotions. He chastises me for feeling left alone, reminding me that he is doing the best he can. And when he is gone again, far too soon, and another week looms ahead of me without him all I can do is curl up in bed, alone, and cry. I hate feeling vulnerable, I hate feeling needy, but my world is chaos right now and I never have enough time to discuss this with him or how to deal. My powers are a mess, I am not sure what is mine and what is not any longer, the nightmares continue and often times the tears give way to such an inner rage I am afraid of myself. Ugh, I am so angry all of the time and then Wyatt appears and I am simpering little house wife with no real emotions, just an empty shell of myself because I do not want to ruin what little amount of time we have together. What have I become? Who am I? Who has Wyatt become? The same man who confessed all of these things he felt for me has all but fallen off the face of the earth. Do I no longer do it for him? Have I become that woman who is pulled into a marriage simply because I am pregnant? So I become his docile fiancee, pretending the world is a beautiful and perfect place, my inner fire destroyed. And so it has come to pass that I have turned to the only thing that makes sense to me. Hunting. At least as I destroy other demons and such I have a place to put my anger and though some part of me knows I am putting myself and our unborn child in danger, I can not help myself. Because my world as I know it is collapsing. I thought love was so much more than this. What have I done to turn him from me this way? Am I that repulsive? Do I mean so little? And if these are all true, why pretend to love me enough to ask for my hand in marriage? Why pretend you care at all? If all he is concerned with is this child, then I will give birth to the baby, hand the child to his father and walk away..forever. Because I do not believe my heart can do this game any longer. I do not believe I have enough left within me to realize I am nothing to him but a game to occupy his time when he is lonely. I don't believe I have it in me to continue to fight anymore at all and yet this all I do. I have come to realize that hunting does afford me one thing. Somehow, word always gets back to Wyatt about my stupidity. And even I know it is stupidity. Then he comes to me, warns me to quit and I pretend I will because I know he will be gone again, but return when he gets word again. And even know, I don't think he sees it. Even negative attention is better than none at all. Even his anger is more than the nothingness I seem to face night after endless night..

Memoirs of Madness~51

To say the first couple of weeks of our engagement was like heaven would be such a misgiving because I don't know what heaven is like. I do imagine it being much like the first couple of weeks, though. Moments of passion, laughter, and love seemed to flow in abundance, but the time came for all of the duties the Elders needed Wyatt to do became increasingly irritating. He is gone for days at a time. Not a word, not a note, not even a phone call. These days are hardest for me. To go from days upon days with Wyatt to seemingly nothing, though I knew these moments might exist. But, trust me when I say it does not make them any easier. And it is within theses times that I have started to lose much needed sleep. The nightmares are horrible, very real, and far more horrific than any hell bound soul would need to concern themselves with. Every night it is the same, every night someone has taken our child from me, a son I call Matthew in my dreams. I find myself plowing through demon after demon, my clothes and hands drenched in their blood as I fight my way to find my child and the husband who is missing. It is inevitable that I find my husband first, the dream never changing course no matter the choices I make within the confines of my deep sleep. Wyatt is chained, beaten, and broken to a point where he refuses to even look at me. I am not sure if this is because he can not stand the sight of me or wishes to no longer look at me. He insists I go look for our son, that he is of no use and can not help me. And though I may drop to my knees, begging and pleading with him, the shackles are never removed and I am all alone. Sobbing, soaked in demon blood, I leave this man I no longer know and continue to search for our son only to awaken in a cold sweat, sometimes with scratches where a demon may have attacked, my clothes torn, and even once or twice a few bruises have marred my skin. I do not wish to sleep, even though my health and body demands, even though the child growing in me needs me to do so. I am afraid to sleep for fear I may find out what all of this truly means. And as the weeks stretch out in front of me and my belly does as well, ever so slowly, so does the time between visits from Wyatt when he comes home. There is that distinct sinking feeling that I am headed for a fall yet again. Have I become the trophy wife that Dean seemed to make me? Now that you have me, there is no sense in sticking around. Or has he asked me to marry him simply because it is the right thing to do with a baby on the way. There is a deep seated fear in thinking you have yet again followed the wrong path and allowed your heart to lead you astray. But, then your heart reminds you of all the reasons you have taken the risk to begin with...

Memoirs of Madness~50!!!!!!

OH
MY
FUCKING
GOD
..or whomever..this entire night has been surreal! I can't even begin to find the words to write or know where to even start. The right words do not exist in any language to begin to even reflect how I feel. The evening pretty much started off like any other, though I should have seen it, the way Wyatt was preoccupied with something. But, I left it alone at that time, I was simply glad to have some quiet time together and to talk like we used to about nothing in particular. The weather tonight was perfect for a walk to the park, though the threat of rain seemed to loom on the horizon. We walked hand in hand to that one place in the park. That one place where so many memories stood out like they had happened yesterday. The small play area to our left that I had once coerced Wyatt into sliding down the slide with me and to the right the open field where we had lied down to chat for seemingly hours, where I had first challenged him in hand to hand combat to show him he wasn't as tough as he thought he was. It seemed like this park was a place where things began and sometimes ended, but mostly it was memories of good times we had, emotional and physical. Wyatt guides me over to the field, still chatting away and suddenly he grows very quiet as we both stare out over the city lights that we see from here. His hand has left mine and I turn to see what has drawn him to such a silent place. The air leaves my lungs and I would swear to anyone who ever ask me. I couldn't breath. I was frozen to that spot and I could not breath as my eyes gazed upon the man I loved with everything, kneeling before me, a Ruby encrusted engagement ring displayed in a velvet box held open as he locked his gaze with mine. I know my knees went weak, but I held my ground as some of the most beautiful words left that man's lips over the next few moments. I say some only because the first time he said he loved me were the MOST beautiful. Nothing compares to those words, but these, this speech about how he feels and why he feels them..is a extremely close second. I have never seen him so open and so vulnerable as I did tonight. And as I sunk to my knees in front of him, there was only one word I could manage and I wouldn't be damned if it didn't come out in a small choked whisper. I think when these moments happen for women, they plan to answer in these strong dominant type voices, but it so hard when emotion over rides everything and all you can manage is a whispered yes between the tears and the moment you actually begin to breath again. I am getting married and I could not be any happier than I am in this very moment. It was hard to tear myself from my sleeping fiance's arms to write this evening, but how could I not write this all down? It is like how you must pinch yourself to make sure everything is real. And as he slipped the ring on my finger, his lips against mine, the rain came down. How very fitting for it to rain as we kiss, this man who has stolen my heart, the man who had given my first kiss in the rain, a man whom I had made love to in the rain before and did again on this very night. How I wish these words could jump off the page and convey all the happiness I feel. Not that I am so sure that anyone will ever read these thoughts that come from my head and onto paper, but if they ever did I would want them to see that giving up is never an option. What is meant to be is meant to be. And when you love someone..giving up on that love is never an option either. I know we still have obstacles to over come and life will not always be a bed of roses, but I love this man, he makes me feel alive, makes me hope for better things for myself, makes me love him more with each passing breath. For him alone would I pull the stars from the sky, die a thousand deaths, and search every lifetime for his soul in another just to be near him. I, Ruby, wanted demon, am not only carrying Wyatt's child...I am getting married to him as well! Whatever higher power is responsible for guiding lives, be it the fates, god, or someone else...thank you..for granting this demon, this woman her every waking wish and her every sleeping dream..

Memoirs of Madness~49

So many changes in so little time. All I ever want to do is eat lately, despite the morning sickness or the twenty four sickness as I prefer to call it. I am only slightly beginning to show. To most people I probably don't look pregnant at all, but I can see and feel the subtle changes. I am amazed at all a body goes through when it comes to carrying a tiny life inside of you. Nausea, throwing up, tender breasts, mood swings, and my ever growing craving for french fries. I loved them before, every since I first tried them, but now it is much like an addiction. I believe it has become my main food group. I don't see much of Sky or Shara these days, but that is to be expected after all the hurt and damage I have caused for a second time. I try to spend as much time with Willa as possible which never really is enough for me, but I know she has that damned boyfriend of hers to spend time with. I really try hard to keep my mouth shut about that boy, because Willa deserves so much better than that juvenile disrespectful little punk, but she loves him so I have to do everything in my power to turn the other cheek when really..I'd like to kick his ass. If I am going to speak the truth in these pages then I might as well be honest about that little shit as well. He's going to hurt her, it's an intuition that won't go away. And my relationship with Wyatt continues to grow a bit deeper each day. It's such a different feeling to know you truly love someone, but somehow each day you seem to love them more. He is still gone often and Willa tries to fill those spaces of empty time, bless her heart, but along with all the other symptoms of being pregnant comes something else. New worries that plague your mind. Unlike most mothers, I am concerned with what powers our child may have, how adamant the underworld will be to get their hands on our child, will I be a decent mother, will I do right by this child, and with Wyatt so bogged down in his duties I wonder if he will miss out on all the greatest milestones of his child. I am not sure why, but that right now clouds most of my thoughts. I want this baby to be raised in a home where both parents contribute, now that Wyatt knows the truth and can be there for his child. And I miss him. I miss him when he is away for so long. It is hard to not have him near. It's hard to not become restless and do foolish things like hunt to pass time and wind up in the hospital for several days while your body "winds" down to a more stress free level. Or so that's what the doctor's call it in plain English so I could understand. Though I am stuck here for at least one more day, it was nice to spend one night with Wyatt curled up in the hospital bed beside me, his strong reassuring arms around me as we huddled together and slept. And then last night with Willa, loads of girlie magazines spread all over the bed. Though we both know I am not into fashion, dresses, or rings of any kind..we spent hours pouring over these things just to occupy my time. She always knows just what to do to lighten my moods. But, my thoughts constantly wonder back to Wyatt and the night he spent with me here. There was something weighing heavy on his mind, something he tried to get out a couple of times, but then changed his mind. I never did get out of him what had him looking so serious. I hope he is not hiding anything from me or something has made him extremely serious or upset and he won't let me share the burden with him..but that is my Wyatt..ever serious..and ever a complete mystery to me. I wonder, if one day, I will ever unravel that mystery...

Memoirs of Madness~48

Despite all the ups and downs that I have gone through with Wyatt so far, I don't think I have found happiness like this..possibly in forever. I feel care free, despite the morning sickness I feel great. Like everything is finally in its place. But I don't gloat so much about this, because things can change in the matter of minutes. I know I shouldn't live each moment waiting for the shoe to drop, but I do. Maybe it's past history, maybe it's just one of my biggest flaws, but I try not to let it rule me or the good moments Wyatt and I now share. And speaking of morning sickness, who in the hell coined that phrase? I wish someone had clued me into the fact that the nausea and the throwing up could strike at any given moment. Then again, no one ever said as a demon it was possibly for me to conceive. But even those bouts with feeling less than special are bearable with Wyatt at my side. I do wish he was around more, but his Whitelighter duties pull him away often, but I can't complain about the good he is doing in the world. For what moments we do have, we make the most of. I know there is a sense of sadness in him at times and I know it's due to Chris. And there isn't anything I can do to help, or anything I could say to take away some of that for him. Just as there is no way for him to help me with the my own issues over what I have done to Sky. Chris is taboo. An unspeakable name from my lips. A conversation of topic I dare not bring up. I say that I can be myself completely around Wyatt, but, in truth, there is still a small amount I hold back from him. I hold tightly to my own weakness and inferiority complex against that brother of his. And, yes...there you have it. Because it is an inferiority complex. That man has a certain way of making me hate myself even more..like I am the only creature in the world with faults. The entire world equals perfection..and then there's me..Ruby..the whore of a demon who destroyed everything. Maybe, in a way I did, but why do people forget it takes two. I would never wish Chris's hate on Wyatt, Wyatt has enough to deal with. But neither do I enjoy being the "destroyer". It was never my intention..ever.. And even though I sit here and do all that is possible to keep any bad thoughts from entering my mind..somehow there is that darkness that hovers and threatens to descend..maybe it's hormonal..or maybe it's a foreshadowing of the not so bright future that is just around the next corner..

Memoirs of Madness~47

Trying to be more than one person is driving me towards the brink of insanity. Quite possibly I have already reached that point and simply can not recognize it. I am not even sure I would want to. God, or whoever, what have I done? I never set out to hurt anyone, I truly didn't and now I have to deal the repercussions of such ugly deceit. If Sky were to never speak to me again, I would not blame him. As I am sure will be the course of things now. Most likely, Sky and Shara are both completely gone from my life. I keep wrestling with all of these things and I am sure my ramblings upon these pages sound like a broken record by now. I know with each person you tend to take on a different role. It is the way life works. Not everyone can deal with the outspoken mouthy side of me and not everyone cares for the more sedate me, but I am going to extremes any more. Part of me is glad to have told Sky the truth now. That part of that is tired of holding back that more out going side of my nature. The part of me that is with Sky is always holding back some part of herself, for fear the entire me would not be who he wants. But, the other part, that part that makes me loathe myself and makes me turn from any mirror because I don't want to see my own self reflected there..that part wishes nothing but more damnation upon my head. Never before I have ever hurt someone so badly and thoroughly than as to utter the words "the baby is not yours." Even my own voice sounded foreign when I finally said those words. I can not even begin to fathom what Wyatt is going through, I have yet to hear from me. I know he is telling Chris that he is going to be a father. I don't envy Chris or Wyatt that pain. So, you wrestle with this conviction, that part of your conscious that reminds you have done something so wrong and possibly unforgiving. Then there is a second side, the side that breaths a sigh of relief at not hiding any longer, of being able to finally breathe as an entire person and not half of one. The one where you finally feel as if you are where you are supposed to belong. Allow me to add another aspect onto that. I am scared as hell. And trust me, coming from a demon, that is saying something. I do not know on what kind of journey I am about to embark. I have a life growing inside of me that I must now protect, a life who's father may or may not truly want me and if he does want me, I worry how long that will last. That sounds callous and harsh after the hurt I just caused someone whose heart I held in my hands. But rarely do we truly wish the same fate upon ourselves and mean it. I am not sure I could stand another heart break of epic proportions with Wyatt..but here I am, waiting for him to stop by..waiting to try again...

Memoirs of Madness~46

I am not completely sure why I wound up in front of Wyatt's place. No, that's a complete lie, my feet seem to go on automatic pilot whenever I go for a walk. Even if  for the simple reasons of clearing my head, I subconsciously always walk that way. Blame it on my stalker tendencies when it comes to that man I suppose. God, how I miss him, and not for lack of Willa's trying to keep me always occupied and laughing. And so I wound up out front of his house, simply in a trance. I had no knowledge of anything or anyone around me, just the soft breeze being carried through the early night air. I am not sure when he came outside or even why he did. Maybe he saw me through the window and caught me in a daze. Maybe he sensed my closeness as I often did his. Or maybe even Willa dared to call him to tell him I was wondering out on my own and it really wasn't such a smart idea for me to be doing so. And as he drew closer, moving down the sidewalk towards me, I became suddenly very aware of his presence. Wyatt is the kind of man who commands attention when he is close by or maybe that is simply how I see him. It was obvious by the soft look on his face and his body language that Willa had told him. Gone was the angry man from a week or so ago, the one who refused to even come near me. We stood there for a few moments without a single word to each other, simply letting our gazes fix on the other. He didn't come straight out and say he knew, he simply asked if what Willa had told him and what she had overheard at my place was true. All I could do was nod. Some might argue that demons lie and might be fooling me into believing the baby is Wyatt's when in fact the unborn child is Sky's, but then again those same people do not know the life the way I do. The demons who continually visit, if not in physical form, then within my dreams are holding no punches back. Only another heir to the charmed ones throne would have them in such an uproar. Just as Willa never questioned me, neither did Wyatt. Though I am sure he has some possible doubts. I know I have absolutely no doubts. And as he drew me into his arms I felt a sudden release of tension I didn't even know I had been holding onto. Those arms promised no harm would come to either myself or the baby, even as the words were murmured softly into my ear. Being so close brought back the butterflies that I so often felt in the pit of my stomach when he was near, the same ones many had told me usually disappeared so shortly after knowing someone for awhile. We spent most of the night talking, discussing, holding each other, and deciding what would happen next. And the inevitable is what shall happen next, the down side to being thrilled at having Wyatt's child is knowing the betrayal I will soon have to reveal to Sky and Wyatt will somehow have to tell Chris as well. This will destroy so much, but this seems to be what we do and I feel worse for Wyatt than I do for myself. Wyatt deserves every happiness and I am not sure if I add to this or I somehow destroy what little chance he has at it whenever we are together. It always leads to us hurting others. For myself, I am what I am, I suppose it only goes to show that I am remaining true to my demonic nature and deceiving those around me. No one should feel pity for me, ever. I deserve every punishment I get, but I am not sure how the miracle of giving birth to a child is deserving punishment. Oh, what a tangled web we weave, when we first practice to deceive..