Memoirs of Madness~69

It's nights like this I find myself absorbed in memories. I am not sure that this is such a good thing. Matthew sleeps soundly in his little crib and it is like watching an angel. And Wyatt is working, I am unsure if he will go speak to Chris tonight or not as well. I am not even sure at times he ever intends to. I don't know what tears him apart more. Choosing between us or knowing he has already made his choice, yet again, but is afraid of telling one of us good bye. As I settle back and let my mind wander, it seems every memory is as crystal clear as the memories of Paris. From that first meeting where I couldn't be sure if I wanted to choke the man lifeless or beg him to take me up against the wall with every ounce of passion he kept bottled up. There were nights of passion in those first nights coupled with hours of talking about anything and everything we could talk about. I felt things I could not understand, things I began to learn were jealousy, need, want, and even love. Though many would laugh at the idea of love at first sight I would have to shake my head and tsk them. It does happen. Though rare it may be. It is possible. I was so consumed in those first days..weeks..and even months with the mere thought of him. Even when he left to go back to Chris, I was still consumed. I am still consumed, but more with loving him so completely than the ache that never seemed to go away back then. Now when he is away from the hole is much larger than I ever could have imagined. An imagining that I hope does not leave me finding out that what I thought might have changed us in Paris was merely illusion. I can only be cut deeply so many times before I can no longer bleed or live again. How many times have I said never again in reference to Wyatt and allowing him to hold my heart so firmly. How many times did say I was done with love, especially after the marriage with Dean and how I broke Sky's heart only to have mine broken in return. I remember how I fought to regain my humanity shortly before falling pregnant with Matthew, losing my powers and becoming what I considered a weak human like creature. Not that I believe the human race to be weak, only that I found myself for the first time in centuries unable to defend myself. It is a time easily forgotten because I gave up the weakness soon enough in order to protect our son and Wyatt as well. The memories are only forced to the front when people ask how Matthew gained his father's powers and none of his mother's. But it quickly lost in the shuffle of memories again as this is all I have ever really known, The demon that resides within me. This demon that has been through several heart breaking break ups, a screwed up marriage, a lover who I was forced to deal with as a teenager and a woman when his spells went haywire, people who hated me for my choices, and hating myself for always only ever wanting the one man who made me passionate about everything. I smile as I think of Wyatt's proposal when I was pregnant with Matthew, how the world felt right, and how there was nothing more that I wanted out of life, but then I am also forced to remember that he was never around and it all led to me saying good bye first, this time. No one in this world or the next will ever understand what it took for me to make that decision or how much it hurt. And all I wanted was for him to try harder. To fight for me. In the end I think most of us would like this. To have someone who is willing to fight against all odds to maintain that love and to always find a way to make each other happy. By the gods how I hurt after that when he so easily let me go. I can write of heart ache, broken hearts, depression, sadness, and all the in between of those feelings, but nothing will tear you apart and break you down into little pieces more than when the one you love seems to turn his back on you because it is much easier. I know I hurt him and broke his heart as well, but the only thing I learned in that one single moment was that i was not good enough. But they say hope is an amazing thing or maybe it is faith. I am not sure which I had buried somewhere inside of me, but as I have said..it is hard to stop a force of a nature that can not be controlled. And Wyatt is a force of nature, he always manged to be there even in our times apart. Even when Lilith burned the only home I had ever known to the ground, he was there. I wanted to bury her underneath the rubble that had been my place, but in my pregnant state even I knew it was folly to go up against her and risk the baby. And there he was, like a damned knight in shining armor, calling upon his magic to make things right again. To put my home back together. That's what he does and that is who he is. Always somehow managing to feed my hope or faith that we belong together. Rather he intentionally is trying or not. There are so many other memories that crowd my mind, dealing with our son coming back form the future, his attempts at retrieving my soul, the day he gave me Maltease as a gift, the first time he asked me to marry him, the birth of our son, his patience with me in all things, how we always find our way back to each other, and Paris. My heart aches tonight with all of these memories, some good and some that can still dredge up old hurts. I don't deliberately try to hold onto these bad thought as they come rushing into my head, but when history has a tendency to repeat itself..it is hard not to wonder if it will happen again. And it is hard not to wonder just how many times a heart can break before it shatters for the last time. I love this man and I have loved him since day one. My life is with him and with no one else. If Paris and all these past years have taught me nothing else, this I know for certain. I have always known it, but now I will live life on my own if it is not with him. No one else can fill that place next to me and I will no longer attempt to fill it. No matter how this story ends...

Memoirs of Madness~68// Part 3~Paris

Melancholy.
I think that is the only way to describe my feelings right now. All I do is stay home with Matthew, unless he is with Wyatt and then I am quite alone except for Maltease. Paris weighs heavy on my mind every day. I don't know how long I can take this sneaking around in secret after being in Paris, free to be whomever we chose to be. Surely, I did not declare my love to him from a top of the Champs d'Elysee monument for nothing. And surely he did not return the sentiment just to appease me. Something will have to change sooner or later, and I mean that from the bottom of my heart. Yet, I stand stuck in a place where I am unsure where to turn. One day we are unbound, free, declaring our love for each other without any cares or worries and the next...he is withdrawn, secretive, worried and all the playfulness is gone. It breaks my heart. I want to go back to Paris right this very minute, to pack up Matthew and leave all of this behind, to run away with Wyatt and never look back. It's hard to feel the romance when we only see each other in my place. No longer allowed to walk hand in hand, to eat dinner together at  nice restaurant, or to share a lover's kiss no matter where we are. Yet, I cherish every moment we are together. I try to sooth his fears, assure him things will work their way out, but it is hard when even I don't know. I don't know if the things that changed us in Paris, that bond that seemed to strengthen is enough for him to break free. Though, I must hang my head in shame for I am not truthful to every one either. I hide what is going on from everyone. Sky asks if I am seeing anyone and I smile slightly and nod my head, but refrain from telling him I am seeing and simply reply that nothing is concrete. That I don't know if things will work out. I am not sure if this gives him false hope or not, surely he must know by now that I am no good for him. These days I am no good for myself either. I only survive and manage because Matthew needs me to. And because I simply can not imagine a life without him or Wyatt as art of it. I know Wyatt comes as often as he can and stays as many nights as he possibly can, but I can't imagine the strain this puts on me for his lies are far more and far greater than mine are. If I am honest with myself, I know that more than once in the days since we have been home I have thought about letting Wyatt go, telling him doesn't have to make a choice, telling him I can't bear to see him so embroiled in all this turmoil. But something in the way he looks at me as we lie together, the way he kisses my forehead or holds me in his arms..I can not bring myself to tell him to go. To tell him I know he loves me, but making him choose is not fair. It's partially to save him the sadness that I want to say these words and I know it is partially because it scares the hell out of me that he might stay with Chris. I can sit and tell the world in these pages that I would have my heart broken a million times over by this man and still not give up on him but I am beginning to wonder how much can one heart take? Can I really face another heart break. One that, this time, I would have to suffer in silence. I am a demon. I should have no heart. I should have no soul or the remnants of one to make me feel all these things. I should not have a child with the man I love, adore, and would lay down my existence for. I am a demon. My heart beats faster every time he is near and can be broken like any other creature who can experience love. I must retain some part of a soul or the memories of one because I feel so much more than I should be allowed. The child I watch sleep before me is a soul created out of true love and I weep at how perfect he is. I am a demon and I am human..because I would trade everything I am to make sure the two of them are always happy..with..or without me..