Memoirs of Madness~11

To stay or not to stay has become the ultimate question, though it would seem my head has told me to stick around or maybe it is my heart. Sometimes the two play tricks on each other and like to see just how much turmoil I can take. Jokes on both, I can take much more than my heart or my head could ever know. But, I took time out today to some apartment hunting, leading me to believe my mind is pretty much made up and not much can detour me from my choice. I have seen a couple of possibilities and might take a day or two to decide things over. I don't want to go into this too hastily, though I could have my pick of any place I prefer something more intimate and near the beach. I have learned plenty about investing my monies in many places over the centuries, building up an unimaginable amount of wealth that would leave most humans reeling. But it is better spent on those in need and there are more causes than I could name would benefit from the money and I could still afford to live rather comfortably. Odd, I am sure to most, that someone/something like me has taken on such creature comforts over the years, but when you have an eternity to live out your life, such things start out as curiosity and then become a part of who you are. An eternity as long as I stay far enough off radar. There is a pretty good price on my head among my kind for being a traitor, but..ah well..I have not been defeated thus far or taken in. After a day of searching and thinking more than I cared to, I found myself at the only other place I ever cared to be, but as I shimmered in, which I am sure had become an annoying habit on my part, I encountered a female. This bitch was tall, gorgeous, built like the type of woman most men would kill for. She was a goddess cloaked as a human. And I say bitch because this was the first thought to enter my mind. This creature had captured Wyatt's attention and was moving in for the kill. I am sure my eyes bled to their black demonic color in that instant, albeit briefly, as this monster jealousy consumed me. It was one thing to know he was still with Chris and I was simply his side thing, it was a whole other to bring this bimbo into the circle and invade what I saw as my place. My place to fill when Chris could not. One would think this night would have some sort of horrific end, as did I at first. I was ready to tear her hair out and defend my man, but the tables turned quickly. God, or whoever, I wished Wyatt would quit playing with potions! I would have thought he would have learned from the whole reverting back to being a kid again. But no, this stubborn man had to dabble a bit more. The undeniably gorgeous creature before me, the one who made me question my own femininity, was Wyatt. I would pause here for a moment to reflect some more as I did  when I came to realize the situation, but it would not give the desired affect in writing as the moment did in person. Wyatt and I had been back to what we had been in the very beginning..lovers and friends. And I would accept many things, but this..took some getting used to. Strangely enough we turned the situation to something positive and I took advantage of treating Wyatt to some true girl time. It is extremely hilarious if I think about it spending an evening getting slightly dolled up, going out drinking and dancing, having a slumber party, and doing what girls do. Though I am surprised I remember what that all entailed. The most difficult of this whole situation was despite that I was faced with a female, it was still Wyatt and my feelings still remained intact. Though his outside was different, inside he was still the same man I had grown to love over a short period of time. I could go into details of the talking, the laughter, snacks and movies. But one thing happened, something I would not have expected or maybe I was just dense in thinking nothing would happen. When emotions are involved and passions run extremely high and the object of my affections is curious. Who am I to deny him? Even Chris could not see past the outside form and denied Wyatt his curiosity. I am no angel, as I have stated before, and I have lived a long enough existence to have my fair share of experiences, but this was new for even me. As a woman it is easy enough to know what a woman enjoys, what turns her on, and what can ease any amount of tension. I choose delicate words here because I am not writing a porn novel for all to read. No, these words are for me and I don't want to mar what the moment meant. Though I was able to achieve the desired affect to sate his curiosity, there was more to the moment than that. Again, maybe I am a fool, but doesn't it count for something that I didn't care what he looked like. Does it not count for something that I still saw who he was on the inside? There is no such thing as unconditional love..there are always conditions..mine is simply that if he is with me, that he would be with me and no one else..but my love for him is as unconditional as it could possibly get. Does that not count for something?

Memoirs of Madness~10

My own dagger turned against me. I need to remind myself to never piss off a jealous lover again or maybe I should say my husband, not that I am sure marriage is anything I will dive into again anyhow. I am a demon, not a woman, or so I am trying to convince myself right now at this point in time. All it took was one night in Wyatt's arms, an entire night wrapped in perfection and by the time I was home facing a pissed off Dean, I knew it was over. For me, it had never really begun. I know that right now I am an ugly person, demon side not withstanding. I am ugly for marrying Dean as an escape and I am a wretched excuse for anything good for living with the thought that someday Wyatt and I will be together.  One look told Dean all he needed to know, things were thrown and such ugly words were thrown and I deserved each one of them, but the fear crashed over me when my dagger wound up in his hands and at my throat. I didn't want to die again, only to have to find my way back again. Not that it would be so easy to escape those fiery depths again. With my dagger back in my possession, a cut upon my throat, several bruises later, and my few possessions in my hands that I could gather I found myself back in an old run down motel again. The kind where you pay them enough and they will turn a blind eye to anything that may happen. I sit wrapped in a towel weighing my options right now and I still don't know what they are. My heart for traveling and staying a loner, never connecting to anyone is no longer a part of who I am. And aside from Wyatt, I have grown to love San Francisco. After all, there is much work to be done here, an obscene amount of "dark" things roaming the streets that need to be taken care of. This does not mean Wyatt will drop his life for me, leave Chris and make me his. I am not fool enough to think he will, but I do cling to some form of hope. This is absolute madness, this addiction I have to him, the willingness to change whatever I have to, do whatever I have to just to remain close to him. At this point close is better than nothing at all. But, I will wait till tomorrow evening to see him. To let him know Dean and I are over and through no fault of his own. This was my own mistake to own up to. By tomorrow night the bruises and ego will have healed enough to leave no traces of being wounded. I have one weakness, something I thought I would never have to admit to again and Wyatt is it. For him I would do all of those romantic gestures you hear humans swear to. For him I would move heaven and earth, for him I would settle in one city just to be there the moment he should need or want me, for him I would always drop life to come running, and for him only..would I die a thousand deaths if it would bring him nearer to wanting my heart for his own...

Memoirs of Madness~9

I have been trained and have learned very well, that as a woman, let alone a demon with acute senses..that you should always trust your instincts. Everything in me screamed that I was being followed the past couple of weeks, but I couldn't quite place my finger on it. All I could guess was that it was a hunter, like that of the Winchester brothers. One would think that I would be outraged to know my own husband is having me followed. The son of a bitch can not bother with so much as a phone call, but can be sure to be in contact with someone to know about all my comings and goings. Yes, there is no doubt in my mind now. I came home two evenings ago to a slightly enraged man, one with pictures and proof that I had been hanging with a certain Halliwell. Pictures showing us being rather cozy with a kiss or two thrown in for good measure. I did not defend myself as Dean threw accusations my way, there was no need to lie about the situation. It was what it was and I honestly had not two fucks to give what Dean thought, until he stood in front of me fuming, demanding I stay away from Wyatt Halliwell. One can most assuredly rest that if I wasn't already hell's property, I would have been one this evening as I slowly shook my head, tossing the pictures back at him. There was no answer. I remained completely silent. In no way shape or form would I agree to never seeing Wyatt again, either as friends or something more. If this makes me a horrible person, then I accept the responsibility and everything it entails. I should at least get points for being truthful and, of course, the "physical" anger that ensued  as a result of my answer or lack there of. I never said I was an angel..ever. I got what I deserved, maybe I deserved worse than that, but there it is. And with that, Dean was gone again..that very night with no word on where we stood or what would happen between us now. Maybe, I had already decided that fate and no more words were needed. I then found myself at Wyatt's place later after Dean had left and the conversation was as it was most times..me, ever willing to give up the world for him even if it made me look like a wretched whore of a woman and him trying ever so politely to do what was right. Outside of a few teasing moments and nothing more, he made it perfectly clear he didn't want me to ever walk away from him again..and even ventured into what if's. What if we could be together...I don't believe what ifs are good enough for me. I am afraid I may possibly wait forever for that man to give me as much of his heart as I am so willing to give him. I should have come back home, sorted things out, maybe even moved out, but I stayed. Not only because he asked me to, but because I wanted to and as I slept in his arms last night, I never felt so complete and so at ease. I asked him before I left this morning what he wanted from me, hoping he would give me something to go on. Somehow help me sees some things more clearly. "I'll let you know when I figure it out myself"..he says. My head screams to run as far away as I can and seclude myself away from all possibilities of this man. That this was no answer at all. M heart..well, my heart is screaming something entirely different...

Memoirs of Madness~8

Memories.
They can do your head in when you are left to your own devices long enough and all you have time to do is think. Sometimes, I go back to read what I have written within these pages to help me maybe clear my mind. Or to stop myself from making the same choices that never seem to end well. I never said much or wrote much about the time directly before Dean and I were married. I guess it's another memory that only leads me to realize my heart is still not where it wishes to be. It wasn't like Wyatt and I never talked after he went back to Chris, of course it was a while, initially. It seemed to hard to know how to act, but eventually we did talk here and there. I couldn't sleep, remembering the last conversation I had with Wyatt only a mere day or so before I married Dean. I had gone to tell him I was engaged..to be married. Why? I think I hoped it would move something deep inside of him. I was looking for three little words that would stop me in my tracks. Three words that would possibly leave me waiting for him forever and never bother with trying to find other company. The words were never said. We admitted we missed each other, that we wished we could be more together. That I was more than just the other woman to him, but all that..I couldn't get those three words from his mouth and there for he would not hear those three words from me. Maybe telling him would have changed something back then, maybe not because his heart was and is still wrapped up in Chris no matter how many times we are drawn back together. That simple talk that seemingly went nowhere ended in moments of such pure passion, neither of us could stand afterwards. I think we both felt defeated by our own actions and by the things we couldn't deny, yet we never said. But, I still don't know. I know more of how he feels, but if love is not or can not be one of those, why won't he just deny me, not speak to me, turn me away...Women are not so confusing as all of this! I think this memory haunts me because Wyatt and I have been talking more and more once again, but we seem much more reserved, other than the stolen kisses now and again. I am not sure I have like the person I find myself being. Someone who would gladly cheat on her husband, though in my mind and heart I have been since the day we were married. And I am still confused by the man I can not stay away from. The man that no matter how long we decide to stay away from each other, still invades my every thought. And in moments like this where I am alone again, he invades every second of every moment. Though I hat the loneliness as much as I know Wyatt hates his I can't be bothered with it so much because it affords Wyatt and I more time together, more time for me to teach him to open up, to really live. And we have been spending more time together. Whatever it is that lies between us, I hope we can figure out someday. We are not really together, we never truly have been and I fear I am leading myself down the same path again and setting myself up for another fall. Hope has never been a part of my vocabulary, but with Wyatt..it seems it is very much a part of what I feel whenever fate, loneliness, or whatever it may be draws together again...like moths to a flame over and over again...

Memoirs of Madness~7

I am married.
And since the writing of mere words does not always allowed for sarcasm to come through, that statement is dripping with it. I couldn't bring myself to write a single word since I left San Francisco, so it would seem I have remained silent for a couple of months now. It's simple really, I did not care to face any range of emotions that I encountered as I left San Francisco to settle up with the Winchesters on a case like we once used to. But now as I settle into a piss poor excuse of a marriage, it would seem that Dean finds San Francisco charming and we have moved back. The fates are cruel and evil bitches and must be having quite a good laugh over all of this. Yep, there it is, Dean Winchester.it seems our witty banter and cruel hatred of each other has led to something else at least for him. I don't feel even one tenth for him that I feel for Wyatt. Most days, I feel nothing at all, only an escape from the dreaded feelings I couldn't get away from. The ones that all come crashing around me being surrounded by this city. I have seen him a few times, brushed past him without his even noticing, testing my limits of making sure is he okay. Wanting to know he is happy. Dean is gone more days than he is around. I beginning to think no matter how much I try to be the right kind of "girl" I am nothing more than a trophy to be won. Once I am won I am placed high on a shelf to look at it when the mood strikes, otherwise I am nothing to bothered with. I can hear the whispers now.."see Ruby..I captured her..now I will throw her away". As much as this marriage has become a hysterical joke I am still as lonely as ever. And when I am alone, I hunt with reckless abandon with no care of being injured, maybe with no care if I ever return again. Death would be easier than this game I pretend to be playing. Dean will return home, I will pretend to be glad, he will call me a liar, a fight will ensue and will have make up sex. Sex I have learned to lie myself through. At first the so called passion was easy. It was angry sex for me that he misread, but I did little to correct his thoughts. I am growing weary of the angry words, the physical fights, the making up, only for him to promise to be around more before he leaves again for weeks on end. It reminds me daily of why I stayed alone for so many damnable years and then I find myself driving past his house, wondering.. Most would call me a stalker or maybe even call the police on me, but it's not what it appears. For here, within these pages is the one place I swore I would not lie to myself. I miss him...terribly..and not just the physical aspect. I miss the long talks over trivial things just to spend more time together. I wonder if he is truly happy, if he has opened up to the person he hides away. No, within these pages, I wear my heart on my sleeve. Here, I can be weak. Here..I can feel like nothing but do not have to worry about destroying the mirror I may look into. Here..I can admit I have become the greatest liar of all. I do not love the man I have married out of sheer desperation to escape what I truly know...my heart belongs to another. It has from the first moment we met and I am not sure I could ever give it another fully..only here is it okay to break..only here can I bury my thoughts and never let them see the light of day...

Memoirs of Madness~6

I am broken.
I know this now after several days of walking through street after street of this god forsaken city. If I wasn't walking aimlessly with no purpose in mind, I would sit at the waters edge, wondering if at some point the tide would simply wash me away. My hotel room lies in tatters, if it could be broken I have destroyed it, if it could be torn I ripped it to shreds with my bare hands. It's the beauty of sleazy little motels located on the edge of town. They ask no questions, a perfect place to commit a murder or any number of sins. Throw in a few extra dollars and they turn a deaf ear and a blind eye on any of your comings and goings. I walked aimlessly for hours when he said he could no longer see me, that he and Chris would now attempt to work things out. I didn't know what else to do. I passed many a demon on the way, creating chaos, but I did nothing to stop them. I saw through them, sensed their evil intent but was unable to summon the passion to protect anyone or anything. Why should I? For every good I have tried to do, to turn my wrongs around, the fates deliver another crushing blow to put me in my place to remind me I come from nothing and I shall remain as such. It is my own fault really. I saw it coming and had not one single moment of bravery to stop it before it was too late. He went back to Chris as I knew he would. He really had no obligation to me and I knew the circumstances almost from hour one of us meeting. One thing is very clear to me now. I have a heart and it can be torn into shreds, but this is the only place that fact shall be admitted. He stood before me with apologies and I stood there like a fool trying to understand. Which I did...but, in truth I didn't. I cried, at least I think I did, it's a harsh memory now and I vaguely remember the taste of salt against my lips. I didn't fight nor did I argue. I stood there and maybe I asked why, but in the end I didn't fight. I love him...in fact, I am crazy in love with him and not sure how to do this now. But to love him is to let go of him and let his heart fly away to where it belongs. There was always talk of us remaining friends, but that isn't even remotely a possibility. He hugged me as he apologized, spoke again of how complicated things were and I wanted to tear his lying tongue out, rip him limb for limb so that he could feel even one ounce of what I felt buried deep within me. And what did I do? Stood like a helpless child and let him hold me. If I ever hear the words "it's complicated from anyone ever again I will be sure to blow them into oblivion. I come from nothing and that is how it will remain. Bobby Singer has called me..telling me the Winchesters could use my help..so I shall go..maybe I will come back to this town and maybe I won't. Once again, I can no longer stand to look at myself in the mirror for becoming so weak. I faced so many emotions over the past couple of days and now I am exhausted. It has been at least forty eight hours since I have last bothered to sleep, to rest, or to even bother to take care of myself. For now, I shall sleep and ignore that fire building inside of me, the one that beckons to let the darkness have its way and drag me back into the folds of my true nature. I am unsure if I even care to fight it. I lie every day..it's easy..it's what I do. The words fell so easily when I walked away from Wyatt, telling myself it was for the best...it was what he wanted. I never thought doing the right thing would cut like so many razors. The cuts are somehow deeper than any torture hell could afford. Yes..I have fallen...and yes, I have fallen in love, but never again....

Memoirs of Madness~5

And I deemed that my life was a crazy and chaotic mess before. I feel like I haven't slept in days as I am finally able to sit and try to channel some of my thoughts. Most of my days are spent in thoughts I try to ignore, my nights spent in passion and wonder with a man I now know I can not live without. He has changed everything about me, how I see myself, how I view the world, and most of all despite the things I have seen and done over the centuries, I can feel. And I can feel incredibly deep. I have fallen, that much I know for sure. Am I in love? All the signs point to a huge resounding yes, but I refuse to admit to this other than on paper because I know how dangerous the words can be if they fall from my lips and Wyatt should turn his back on me. But, this..even this is as crazy as it sounds tumbling around in the head of a demon, things have grown far crazier than that. I found myself at Halliwell Manor at one point and can't even place my finger on why I went in the first place. To see Wyatt, of course, but maybe to even catch a glimpse of his lover, Chris. Complete madness on my part, but I am fast learning that feeling so strongly about someone makes you you do stupid things. Some very overly stupid things. What greeted me was mass confusion on my part as I was greeted by two toddlers and no parents. Who would so blatantly leave young ones alone like this. It did not take too terribly long for me to put two and two together to realize somehow, some impossible way I was now looking at a young Wyatt and Chris. And would spend several days as a "babysitter" as it were. I am an awful person, I know this as I reflect back on the time I spent with Chris, his tiny arms wrapped about my neck as if I were his protector at one point. I would come to learn that a potion had gone horribly wrong as the babies soon became teens. Potions confuse me as to how they can do such bizarre things. I suppose this comes hand in hand with making sure you know what spell you are using. I was never so great with potions or powers, preferring a good old fashioned ass kicking to anything else, but I will use my demonic powers when necessary. Teenagers..I am glad I do not remember my human life so much as to think I was this much of a pain in the ass at this age. As much as adult Wyatt infuriates me, teen Wyatt is triple that. Now I know how the cockiness and arrogance was bred in this man, because no one ever bothered to put him in his place. Yet to see him interact with Chris, even as young children causes that sick feeling in me again. As if I have intruded upon something I have no right being a part of. But, regardless what age I am faced with, when speaking of Wyatt, he challenges me at every step. And no one has bothered to challenge me as such since I crawled from the pits of misery that is known as hell. I do not include other demons as a challenge, I view them as something to be wiped from the face of the earth. But now I ramble on, due to that sick feeling I am trying desperately to avoid. Because now I know Chris and I know he does not trust me, though he won't say it openly and I dare not speak of what goes on behind closed doors with Wyatt..I have for all intents and purposes become the other woman, a mistress, a plaything. I think..I do not know because Wyatt runs hot and cold, never truly opening up or telling me anything beyond his guilt or our playful banter. One moment he can not keep his hands from me or his lips from mine and the next I feel as if I am some disease he must wipe from his lips. Untouchable. His guilt over cheating on Chris, his guilt for knowing I am in deeper than I think he expected me to be eats away at both of us in different ways. Or maybe he toys with me, knowing he has me eating out of the palm of his hand. Again..I can not turn away from this man..I have lost myself and do not know where to look for what I once was. I do not see Wyatt too much these past days since they have turned back to their normal ages and I choose to keep my distance from Chris..it simply bothers me too much..I have my own guilts to deal with. It seems Chris realizes he misses Wyatt...knows Wyatt has been seeing someone...where does this leave me?

Memoirs of Madness~4

I find that my own thoughts tire me out and I can't get everything down in one shot. We walked through the park after our little game last night. It is why I was unable to write about the words like love and heartbreak last night. My thoughts are too scattered, at best, to comprehend the fact that these emotions could even be a part of my vocabulary. I do not know for sure that I am quite comfortable with words like "love at first sight" or "falling in love". Am I even allowed such things? Does it truly matter when his heart belongs to another. In the same night that we are consumed for passion for each other, he also pushes me away, declaring with words like "I'm sorry" or "I can't". These things further tear my thoughts apart. Why is it okay for one moment and not okay for the next. I see it in his eyes, the things he is not telling me, but in the next instant he seems distant and almost cold. I love how he makes me feel when I am with him, despite the confusion. But I knew it in the moment we said good bye last night, when I watched him walk away after it became too hard to continue to deny each other a simple touch or kiss. This man will break me, my heart if possible or maybe my will, I am unsure of which, but he will do it. And I am unable to turn my back and stop the inevitable. I meant the words I said to him, that his friendship is more than i could ever ask for, that if that was the only way to keep him in my life, then I would settle for this. But can I now, is this even a possibility. Maybe I am falling..I am so far in over my head with no way back out. I had a dream last night, at least I think I did, the remnants were fast receding the moment I woke from slumbering. I can't remember ever dreaming, or even sleeping for that matter. I find myself no longer thinking in terms of being a creature, but of actually being someone. I no longer think in black and white, now there are many shades of gray for my thoughts to gather in. It's as if I did not exist before Wyatt..will I exist after..when he no longer needs for me to keep him company. I am sure his lover, Chris, will realize the error of his ways and Wyatt will be back where his heart belongs. As much as I would truly like to believe it belongs with me..I fear I am merely only a passing fancy. Why this thought makes me feel slightly ill, I am unsure of just yet. So I will live for these moments, hold every moment near that we are allowed to spend together before Wyatt finds the happiness he so much deserves, back to where his heart lies...

Memoirs of Madness~3

Truth or Dare.
A simple and seemingly innocent game turned upside down by the minds of two consenting adults. If there was ever any question as to whether Wyatt knew my true nature, the question no longer lingers as I took possession of his body momentarily. Using his own hands under my guidance to move along his body. An easy enough dare to try and turn him on without actually using my hands to touch him. The words, the teasing, both various forms of foreplay that I am quickly learning to grow accustomed to. It was only a mere moment or two once I was back in my current body for the passion to take over and led us both astray again. There is not one night that we are not together that it does not end in passion. This man who loves passionately and argues just as passionately, does not live this way and I do not understand why. I would give him everything if he would only be mine and let me be his. But he clings to the one who has chosen to not be as present as Wyatt would like him to be. And I speak as a woman would speak of someone who has so completely consumed every moment of her life, waking and sleeping. I do not know how in such a short amount of time I have grown to be intrigued with this man. Intrigued enough to consider not leaving this city of San Francisco and I am, by all accounts not someone who would give up my nomadic ways. There is too much work to be done, too much evil to dispose of, and now I feel that I grow selfish. I want to be here, I want to be near this man, and what I want..I will go after. Our moments of passion have given way to hours of talking about nothing in particular. He makes me feel so..normal..human. I catch myself, when I am not with him, watching other couples walk together as they hold hands, kissing each other with no care as to who will see and I have to shake myself back to reality. Can this truly be the kind of life I could someday have with someone who will accept me for what I am, with all my history. It is not easy to be a traitor to my kind, to believe that I can change things for the better, to feel, to want..To want someone who may find me as nothing more than a mere distraction. The idea of Wyatt going back to him, to the one who seems to not have time for Wyatt, causes a strange sensation in my chest. It tightens and I almost find it hard to breathe. But these things are for me alone to feel, I dare not share them for chance of being..no, it is not something I am capable of. No one hurts me..not for centuries now. I do not have a heart to break...

Memoirs of Madness~2

Pure. Raw. Animalistic. 
Like a moth to a flame I was drawn back. I suppose it was inevitable that I couldn't stay away, any fool could have figured that out. Though he drives me to bouts of near insanity with his holier than thou attitude, the intrigue was born the moment we met. Like the curiosity that killed the cat, I needed to know more. And now his touch, his kisses, his unmatched passion by any lover I have ever known, is seared into my soul for eternity. And my words are not lost on me, for no demon possesses its soul, and surely not the capacity to understand emotions of any kind. Don't let my given nature fool you, I struggle with the dark side of who or what I am surely as an human who has dark desires, but I assure anyone who would ask that I somehow have found noble intentions within myself as well. There was nothing noble that came from my going to him tonight, seeking out his company, urging him to our battle of words once more. I know what he is now, a guardian of witches, a whitelighter, a guardian angel to some I am sure. But there was no guardian angel this evening and my body still hums with electricity, if I close my eyes I can still feel his scorching touch on my skin as he literally ripped each piece of clothing from my body and I did not hesitate to return this favor as my hands were allowed to briefly explore what I could before he was buried within me. This man is a contradiction unto himself. He presents a hard, cold, noble front to the world, but there is something deeper to this man. It is something, I believe no one has bothered to uncover. How could his present lover leave him to his own devices and not want to be by his side every waking moment. I can not fathom Wyatt's lover leaving him so alone. But to contemplate such ideas leads me to believe should his lover had not left him alone, I would have not tasted the forbidden fruit such as I have tonight. And now this man I try to tell myself to despise has me..dare I say addicted after two meetings of the minds..and now the body as well. I hunger for more of him, more knowledge of the person he hides from the world, and more knowledge of the passion he seems to keep caged within himself. I do not know what I would do if the world should not afford me any more of him. Would I move forward and continue my existence as I always have, moving from one town to the next, or would I tear this ungodly world apart searching for him? I have stumbled upon a stranger within myself with all of these new questions and dare I say..feelings? Is that even possible? And what if he were to know what I truly am? Or does already know? Someone as powerful as he is must have truly sensed it the moment we met..and now my questions are too many and this strange light fluttery feeling in the pit of my stomach as I think of him has become too much. The night is young..the hunt is calling to me..there are innocent people to protect..anything to quiet my mind from so many things I suddenly do not understand...

Memoirs of Madness~1 {{revised}}

Wyatt Halliwell.
The name alone makes me want to scream with rage. He is the most arrogant son of a bitch I have ever met in my entire existence! And if anyone were to ever get their hands on any of my rantings I have so skillfully hidden over the centuries, they would discover just how long that existence has been thus far. I pride myself in keeping cool until I can no longer hold back the rage, but this human male will be my undoing. Not since I was put in charge of those wretched Winchester brothers, Dean in particular, have I wanted to hit a man simply for being a man. Oh, at first, he appears like an angel or perhaps someone the gods themselves have formed. But I assure you this man is no angel. I must have paced the small motel room for several hours in a complete rage before calming down to a small boil. Charming, at first, he unleashes a torrid of words that come across as smug, making him feel like a superior being! How dare he think he is above me! Does he not know who he is dealing with! I shall see him again and let him know just what a fierce creature I am and can not be toyed with! No..I take that back..I shall not see him again, lest my fury be unleashed upon him. Though arrogant, smart mouthed, and in belief that he is god's gift to women and men..he is an innocent..and something more, though I can not quite put my finger on it.
Of course it was game on from moment one that he opened his mouth, especially when the conversation focused on smiles, toothpastes, and minty fresh breath. I should be above such petty and cute games, but I found myself reacting like a lovesick school girl. The cheerleader with the crush on the high school jock. How could I allow myself to fall into such a trap, a trap where my focus became his mouth, the trap that wouldn't let me deny him or I the opportunity to test  just how well the damned toothpaste worked. I wanted to drown myself in his kisses the moment it happened. His lips like manna from heaven, the type of things I am forbidden from for an eternity. By all things unholy, where did this man learn to kiss, to make a woman feel such things by the mere brushing of lips or the small stroke of a tongue, a well placed hand...an experiment, my ass. This man challenges me at every step and carries a smug smile the moment I seem to surrender any part of myself at all. What a fool he is to think he will ever have me eating out of the palm of his hand.
Wyatt Halliwell.
How can one man command so much of my attention though he is not in front of me. How can his name cause me to rail against him and yet his name is like honey on my lips. His voice and face taunt me when I close my eyes, forbidding me to rest, and these strange mixed feelings are unnerving me. I shall go see him again..demand his respect..and I will show him that no one can best me at my own game of words! If were not for my words being written now, I would be continuing to pace the floors of this small room, or out hunting my own kind to find some sort of release from all of this..this..humans would call it pent up aggression..or is it tension. Ugh..I am done with these nonsensical emotions! A demon does not feel or need for such trivial things! I shall shove this wretched human from my thoughts and think of him no more..I have much more important things to accomplish..demons to kill..and avoid being killed by my own kind as well. I will not be bound to the confines of hell ever again...yes, Wyatt is nothing more than an irritating insect to be swatted away...

Badass Ruby

This post is merely in preparation for those who nothing about the role playing site of Bebo and a small bit of background history about the character whose point of view I will be writing from. All you fellow Beboers, I am sorry if this bores you, but bear with me because I am not sure who reads my blogs and wan to be fair so they can understand where Ruby comes from.
Bebo is a role playing site where people create characters either from a movie/television show or a non canon character, a character they create completely from their minds. And I must not forget that their are anime characters and book characters as well included in these characters. It's a means of escape, fun, a chance for some creative writing and use of imagination, and an amazing way to meet new friends from all over the world! I am sure everyone has their own opinions about being a role-player on Bebo, but I truly believe that no matter how you choose your character, sooner or later some part of you is going to take over that character and make it your own. There are no dialogues or scripts written out and you never know from day to day where your character is going to wind up. I am going on four years of role playing Ruby and she has definitely become a bit of reflection on who I am.
Ruby, Ruby, Ruby..she is the original Ruby form Supernatural. Sorry, Gen, but as far as I am concerned, Katie Cassidy is the only one who rocked that role! Ruby is a demon who is constantly at war with herself. The good versus evil scenario rages within her, the good usually winning out, but now and again her true nature peeks out. She had partners throughout her existence since The Black Plague, taking over various bodies as it suited her, but never would she attach herself to anyone. Companionship is a bizarre enough thing for demons, let alone falling in love. Enter Wyatt Halliwell, from the television show Charmed, who turns everything she thought she knew into chaos. Thus begins a whirlwind romance of heart break and epic proportions over the next three years...going on four now.
One must remember that in Bebo-land..anything can happen! Demons can fall in love and have children, all the things that go bump in the night do exist, and if you can imagine it..it can be done. So, I hope anyone who reads my "excerpts" from Ruby's memoirs will enjoy it half as much as I feel "geeked' about doing it. Because I haven't really been too excited to creatively write for a long time! So..I can honestly say welcome to badass_ruby's world! {{My url for Bebo :p}}

  

Between A Rock And A Hard Place

Poor little guy, I wonder if he can jump that high or if he has the potential to? Kind of like some of us once in a while. Do we have the potential to make that leap of faith or are we grounded by any number of fears when it comes to making that leap. 
I have worked at my current place of employment for several years, going on year number 5, if I remember correctly. And it's a job that I have for the most part, always enjoyed. Of course, now and again we all have bad days and swear we are going to call in dead or simply part ways with our current employment situation. {{I have found calling dead doesn't work so well}} I saw this picture and found it perfect for my current situation. I am trying to stick out, knowing no other job will start me out at what I am making now, at least not any job I come across so far. Sadly, money plays a factor. I still have bills to pay...damn this world for creating such an ugly thing as bills! Trust me, I have done some searching and applying. Now, don't get me wrong, it's not a horrible and ugly place to work for..it's a very good company and for the most part, I love the people I work with. As much as a pessimist as I am, I am not an overly negative person. I am only negative when it comes to myself, in and out of the work place. I am doing my best to curb any "wrong" emotions or "feelings" while at work, but the place seems rampant on negative feelings and no..it's not all on me. Though, I have been told I set the tone. I get that..so I am trying to remain cheerful and as upbeat as possible. But it's hard, not only on me, but on others who have spoken of the same. One can only take so many negative comments about you're not exactly good enough {{not necessarily in those words}} before you absolutely wonder why are you here? No matter how crappy the work day or how smoothly things ran, it boils down to pleases and thank you's, commending on a job well done, and some correcting on how to make things go better. And by correcting I don't mean making someone feel like utter crap, making them cry, or making them feel less than a person. Just a thought...
Anyhow, moving on from my little "take this job and shove it" rant..I have felt a slight stirring of the muse. She actually had a brill idea early this morning at 3 am when she should have remained quiet. She has a weird way of showing up at the worse times. I want to work on my writing again and am considering using my Bebo roleplay character as I have mentioned before. I am considering writing pages from her "diary". Not that demons keep diaries or journals, but my character was never quite like others of her kind. So..if you see a post with a pic of Katie Cassidy, titled Memoirs of Madness...it will be one of my attempts at channeling my muse!

The Human Touch

I have neglected writing the past few days, but not because I have a shortage of things to rant about or simply speak of. My sleeping habits are terribly askew from working nights and most of the time I don't know if I am tired or simply don't feel like functioning on my off times. Mind you, the person who committed suicide was someone I only met briefly a couple of times. It's a gentle, or not so gentle reminder of how fragile life is, as well as the car accident of a dear friend. And it got me to thinking about the extreme situations and the not so extreme, the every day life comings and goings. How often do we neglect a simple smile, or the niceties of helping someone with something simple liking holding a door open. let's try the simple acknowledgement of each other in our daily routines. Yes..I am suffering from the last. Not that I am perfect in all things that I am speaking of, we all could strive to so much better. I am talking the simplicity of being human, of trying to not hurt others on purpose, or purposely causing others to feel shoved aside. Mind you, I understand the complexities of every day life weighing us down, taking us away, and causing us distractions. But I also know that you never know what your last words to someone might be, whose life you may save by a simple smile and asking how they are, a slightly wounded heart might be mended with a few simple words of acknowledgement to let them know they are not forgotten. It's a basic human necessity to be "touched". And no, those of you with minds in the gutter..back it up! :o I am talking about touching someone's life with the easiest of things. Yes, you only live once..YOLO..as everyone is calling out these days. But it should not be at the expense of hurting each other, denying each other certain creature comforts, forgetting about the "little" people who do things for you every day..It's such a basic idea..even if the Bible is not your thing..."do unto others as you would have done unto you." How about combining the YOLO with that? After all, you don't always know someone's story and what life may or may not have thrown at them in the past twenty four hours...