Memoirs of Madness~55 Part 2

No one will ever know just how much pain my heart has taken on since the day Wyatt blew into my life like a damned storm. It seems almost laughable that I at one time nicknamed him Tropical Storm Wyatt, but it is very fitting. He is there like a fierce wind, turning your life into this bizarre sort of chaos that at times is beautiful, but then he is gone and leaves you in pieces scattered everywhere. If these pages ever fall into someone's hands I can imagine what they will ask or think. Is she crazy, why didn't she just choose one man or the other and simply stick to it, why didn't she walk away from both of them, that thing/demon is a harlot and a whore..and maybe all of this is true and maybe these are questions I should ask of myself and think deeply on. But, you see..I have given my heart to the one I choose only it would seem he has not chosen me. Worse than that is the feeling he has chosen me, but not fully or completely. It's like he wants to be with me but holds himself back from committing one hundred percent. I told him about Sky and the look on his face was worse than when I told him I was pregnant with another man's baby. I didn't bother with telling him how I truly felt, how this whole mess was killing me slowly. What would it matter? It would not bring him around more or change things. I can not force him to be with me wholly if he still doesn't know for sure what he wants. Maybe, he does know and is simply afraid to give into it. I don't know, but it hurts to know either choice does not seem to have a place for me in his life. I tried to give the ring back because it was the right thing to do, but her refused it. And calling off the engagement was the right thing as well, because I have become just as confused as ever at what is going on now. Sky offers all the things I long for and Wyatt seems to offer none of these. Though I love both men I can not deny that Wyatt is my first. First when it comes to all of these things i have experienced as a demon, things i was told I would never feel or experience. My first true crush, my first kiss in the rain, my first love..and now it is all gone. Only angry words fill the air between us and I don't know if I should stay or I should go. For now I have retired back to my too big loft apartment with Maltease. Maltease and my all too familiar tears and heart ache. I have so many decisions to make right now. Do I leave or do I stay? Do I give custody of this baby to his father and never look back? Do I let Sky back in and try again with him? Do I forsake the word love and do this on my own? Can I ever truly love again..let someone in so far that I could give them the power to either lift me up or destroy them? One thing I know for sure, I will never love another as much as I love Wyatt. There is simply not enough room in my heart or enough left of my heart to allow this..ever. I wish I had once last kiss, one last moment to make things right somehow, one last chance to tell him despite the hurt and the mistakes he is still the one I long for, the one I can not live without, the one I can not breathe without..he is still the one I would die for..

Memoirs of Madness~55 Part 1

I tried. God, in his all knowing wisdom, if he even exists knows I tried. I substituted my time with healthier alternatives instead of suicidal runs at trying to be some hero. The weeks have grown longer and longer, the moments I see Wyatt have grown further and further apart. I have moved furniture into our new place, ordered new furniture, painted the baby's room and started setting it up, and have noticed I spend more and more time with Sky. I can see it when I write in words, the vicious cycle of always being torn between Sky and Wyatt settling into its comfort zone once more and I am growing steadily tired of allowing myself to be drawn into it. For weeks I ignored his advances and remarks about how he would never leave me alone, but as i cried myself to sleep at night with those words like a dagger to my heart, my heart still only belongs to one man. The one man who seems to have forsaken me. I can't begin to count how many lonely nights I have spent in this strange new house that still isn't a home. Wyatt has yet to eve spend the night, though he has helped pick out our bed. I sleep on the couch night after night with Maltease on the floor next to me. And I try to remain calm and settled, knowing how screwed up my powers and the baby's powers react to the slightest thing. I can no longer do this, I can longer stand to be a throw away fiance. I don't know who I am supposed to be any longer, no do I understand where it is that i belong. I have quit trying when Wyatt is here to visit. And that is all it has become, visits from him with maybe a few moments of passion thrown in, but how can a quickie as humans call them, be romantic? So I pretend to be happy and pretend nothing is wrong and so it goes on and on. He no longer sees me. Rather he seems to see right through me. It has been a while since I have written in these pages because I do not want to face any of this any longer. I do not want to face the inevitable of now telling Wyatt that I gave in to Sky yesterday and kissed him and I wanted to. I needed to feel a connection with someone, anyone. Not that Sky is simply anyone. I awoke this morning after a fitful sleep to find a single red rose on the pillow next to mine, from Wyatt, and my heart broke as it has never broken before. It seems as if it is too little too late. I don't want it to be, but it is. I can no longer live like this, knowing this could be our lives. Me, raising our son. Our son's father only popping in when it is convenient for him. This is no life. And as much as I love Wyatt with every fiber of my being..as much as I will love him like this until the day my existence ceases and I am no longer..I have to let him go. I can not make him happy, of this much I am sure. It seems, I never truly could...

Memoirs of Madness~54

Things always have a way of turning around. Or so I have been told. I don't know. I am still unsure of so many things, including the fact that I spent the entire day with Wyatt and things seemed..normal? Okay, maybe not normal, but better. I think. I was truly surprised that he was even around today for as long as he was, but I could understand his excitement. After I learned of the surprise I could understand it. It felt good holding his hand. slipping back into the old ways of teasing each other and never seeming to get enough of each other's kisses. Though it felt like old times, I could still feel the doubt creeping around the corners of my mind. He took me to a building right near the beach. A building with some pretty amazing condos in it, only to reveal how the one we were standing in now belonged to us. I can not deny what a huge step this is for us. Until now we had spent our time between both of our apartments and there was no denying the look of pride on Wyatt's face. He had done this for us, he had done this for me. I didn't need him to tell me did, I simply knew it.  And the thoughts took over instantly as I walked around the place in complete awe. I ignored the small talk between the stuck up Realtor and Wyatt as they made plans to finalize the paperwork. I showed Wyatt where the Christmas tree would go and how we would have family and friends over to celebrate. Then we headed upstairs and we stood in one smaller room, Wyatt's arms around me as he stood behind me, his hands resting against my belly as he stroked it softly. This was the baby's room. I could picture exactly where the rocking chair would go and his bed, the blue paint that would adorn its walls and suddenly the past few months of feeling broken and unwanted disappeared. It's funny how this man can turn my moods so quickly. But this is what would now occupy my mind. Instead of hunting I will prepare our home and get movers to help me move things in. I will get the baby room ready as well and these things shall now keep my mind from wandering. Though I am alone again tonight, though I have cried while in the shower as I felt the ache of Wyatt being gone far too soon once more, I feel I have a better grasp on what is to come. I do believe Wyatt loves me, I know he does, though he still seems unable to completely let go and open up all the way. I know he seems to not see the walls I have built back up or the subtle changes in my holding back a part of me, I see right through him. He is trying, but he is still so distant and this scares me most of all. If neither of us can completely open up to the other and be honest without fear of being chastised, angering the other, or telling each other our feelings are silly..what kind of future do we truly stand to have? After all..how can the things you feel be counted against you or so easily dismissed..emotions though hidden sometimes..speak more truth than any human or demon tongue could ever claim to..

Memoirs of Madness~53

I have heard from others who have kept journals and diaries that you sometimes go back to read what you have written and laugh at how over dramatic things seemed. I am not sure I could feel that way. As my stomach begins to grow, so do my powers, and so does the distance between Wyatt and I. I am still able to hide the pregnancy should I choose to do so, but I am proud of this child, our son, Wyatt's son. I have come to learn that with my anger comes a nifty little power of blowing things up, even when I don't want to, sneezing causes me to be surrounded by these little white orb type things and I wind up in a completely different room than I started in, and if I feel threatened I am suddenly surrounded by this light mist that turns out to be some sort of force field for lack of a better term. I am..invincible. And it makes it so much easier to make excuses to hunt. I can no longer sit still and wait for the time when he will call or decide to come home. I am not sure I can do this at all any longer. I did not sign up for this. Yes, I knew there would be times when life would pull him away from me and I knew it would not be easy. But there is a difference between a small stretch of the truth and a full blown damned lie. I should know. Demons build their lives around them. I..DID..NOT..SIGN..UP...FOR..THIS!! Nowhere did anyone tell me that I would be lucky to see my fiance once a week, no one told me I would feel this damned lonely, or that my powers would go absolutely crazy. I can not distinguish myself from this child and the one person who could truly help me understand is a billion lifetimes away. I have become an expert at hiding my emotions, more so than when I once did before happening upon this city. I had constructed walls that could not or would not be torn down by anyone. Or so I had thought. I have begun constructing them again. I put on a brave face every time I see Shara or Sky..even Willa when I do see her. It is easy enough to do when they all have their own lives they are involved in. I blend in more than I could ever dream possible. The demon who used to stand out and take no shit form anyone is long gone, in her place now stands a demon who has become invisible. And yet..I still dare to anger Wyatt, to bring him home in anger at me for daring to jeopardize my health and that of our unborn child. And still he seems oblivious to why I do this. I, no longer know what I am supposed to do. My head and heart, both whom thought they were finally settled have once again begun to war with each other. Do I let go of a childish woman's dreams or do I hold onto the love of a lifetime?

Memoirs of Madness~52

I am thankful for the things I do have in my life, don't get me wrong. I have heard humans say that god does not give you anymore than you can handle, but I am not exactly what you could refer to as a god fearing human. And you would think that I would be exceptionally happy that Sky and I have slowly begun to talk again and even Shara has let me back into her life as well, but there is something missing. Something Sky, Shara, or even Willa can not fill. Not something..someone. The days have grown excruciatingly long, the nights sleepless and cold. He just seems gone and when he does come home I feel like a child who is being punished for having any emotions. He chastises me for feeling left alone, reminding me that he is doing the best he can. And when he is gone again, far too soon, and another week looms ahead of me without him all I can do is curl up in bed, alone, and cry. I hate feeling vulnerable, I hate feeling needy, but my world is chaos right now and I never have enough time to discuss this with him or how to deal. My powers are a mess, I am not sure what is mine and what is not any longer, the nightmares continue and often times the tears give way to such an inner rage I am afraid of myself. Ugh, I am so angry all of the time and then Wyatt appears and I am simpering little house wife with no real emotions, just an empty shell of myself because I do not want to ruin what little amount of time we have together. What have I become? Who am I? Who has Wyatt become? The same man who confessed all of these things he felt for me has all but fallen off the face of the earth. Do I no longer do it for him? Have I become that woman who is pulled into a marriage simply because I am pregnant? So I become his docile fiancee, pretending the world is a beautiful and perfect place, my inner fire destroyed. And so it has come to pass that I have turned to the only thing that makes sense to me. Hunting. At least as I destroy other demons and such I have a place to put my anger and though some part of me knows I am putting myself and our unborn child in danger, I can not help myself. Because my world as I know it is collapsing. I thought love was so much more than this. What have I done to turn him from me this way? Am I that repulsive? Do I mean so little? And if these are all true, why pretend to love me enough to ask for my hand in marriage? Why pretend you care at all? If all he is concerned with is this child, then I will give birth to the baby, hand the child to his father and walk away..forever. Because I do not believe my heart can do this game any longer. I do not believe I have enough left within me to realize I am nothing to him but a game to occupy his time when he is lonely. I don't believe I have it in me to continue to fight anymore at all and yet this all I do. I have come to realize that hunting does afford me one thing. Somehow, word always gets back to Wyatt about my stupidity. And even I know it is stupidity. Then he comes to me, warns me to quit and I pretend I will because I know he will be gone again, but return when he gets word again. And even know, I don't think he sees it. Even negative attention is better than none at all. Even his anger is more than the nothingness I seem to face night after endless night..

Memoirs of Madness~51

To say the first couple of weeks of our engagement was like heaven would be such a misgiving because I don't know what heaven is like. I do imagine it being much like the first couple of weeks, though. Moments of passion, laughter, and love seemed to flow in abundance, but the time came for all of the duties the Elders needed Wyatt to do became increasingly irritating. He is gone for days at a time. Not a word, not a note, not even a phone call. These days are hardest for me. To go from days upon days with Wyatt to seemingly nothing, though I knew these moments might exist. But, trust me when I say it does not make them any easier. And it is within theses times that I have started to lose much needed sleep. The nightmares are horrible, very real, and far more horrific than any hell bound soul would need to concern themselves with. Every night it is the same, every night someone has taken our child from me, a son I call Matthew in my dreams. I find myself plowing through demon after demon, my clothes and hands drenched in their blood as I fight my way to find my child and the husband who is missing. It is inevitable that I find my husband first, the dream never changing course no matter the choices I make within the confines of my deep sleep. Wyatt is chained, beaten, and broken to a point where he refuses to even look at me. I am not sure if this is because he can not stand the sight of me or wishes to no longer look at me. He insists I go look for our son, that he is of no use and can not help me. And though I may drop to my knees, begging and pleading with him, the shackles are never removed and I am all alone. Sobbing, soaked in demon blood, I leave this man I no longer know and continue to search for our son only to awaken in a cold sweat, sometimes with scratches where a demon may have attacked, my clothes torn, and even once or twice a few bruises have marred my skin. I do not wish to sleep, even though my health and body demands, even though the child growing in me needs me to do so. I am afraid to sleep for fear I may find out what all of this truly means. And as the weeks stretch out in front of me and my belly does as well, ever so slowly, so does the time between visits from Wyatt when he comes home. There is that distinct sinking feeling that I am headed for a fall yet again. Have I become the trophy wife that Dean seemed to make me? Now that you have me, there is no sense in sticking around. Or has he asked me to marry him simply because it is the right thing to do with a baby on the way. There is a deep seated fear in thinking you have yet again followed the wrong path and allowed your heart to lead you astray. But, then your heart reminds you of all the reasons you have taken the risk to begin with...

Memoirs of Madness~50!!!!!!

OH
MY
FUCKING
GOD
..or whomever..this entire night has been surreal! I can't even begin to find the words to write or know where to even start. The right words do not exist in any language to begin to even reflect how I feel. The evening pretty much started off like any other, though I should have seen it, the way Wyatt was preoccupied with something. But, I left it alone at that time, I was simply glad to have some quiet time together and to talk like we used to about nothing in particular. The weather tonight was perfect for a walk to the park, though the threat of rain seemed to loom on the horizon. We walked hand in hand to that one place in the park. That one place where so many memories stood out like they had happened yesterday. The small play area to our left that I had once coerced Wyatt into sliding down the slide with me and to the right the open field where we had lied down to chat for seemingly hours, where I had first challenged him in hand to hand combat to show him he wasn't as tough as he thought he was. It seemed like this park was a place where things began and sometimes ended, but mostly it was memories of good times we had, emotional and physical. Wyatt guides me over to the field, still chatting away and suddenly he grows very quiet as we both stare out over the city lights that we see from here. His hand has left mine and I turn to see what has drawn him to such a silent place. The air leaves my lungs and I would swear to anyone who ever ask me. I couldn't breath. I was frozen to that spot and I could not breath as my eyes gazed upon the man I loved with everything, kneeling before me, a Ruby encrusted engagement ring displayed in a velvet box held open as he locked his gaze with mine. I know my knees went weak, but I held my ground as some of the most beautiful words left that man's lips over the next few moments. I say some only because the first time he said he loved me were the MOST beautiful. Nothing compares to those words, but these, this speech about how he feels and why he feels them..is a extremely close second. I have never seen him so open and so vulnerable as I did tonight. And as I sunk to my knees in front of him, there was only one word I could manage and I wouldn't be damned if it didn't come out in a small choked whisper. I think when these moments happen for women, they plan to answer in these strong dominant type voices, but it so hard when emotion over rides everything and all you can manage is a whispered yes between the tears and the moment you actually begin to breath again. I am getting married and I could not be any happier than I am in this very moment. It was hard to tear myself from my sleeping fiance's arms to write this evening, but how could I not write this all down? It is like how you must pinch yourself to make sure everything is real. And as he slipped the ring on my finger, his lips against mine, the rain came down. How very fitting for it to rain as we kiss, this man who has stolen my heart, the man who had given my first kiss in the rain, a man whom I had made love to in the rain before and did again on this very night. How I wish these words could jump off the page and convey all the happiness I feel. Not that I am so sure that anyone will ever read these thoughts that come from my head and onto paper, but if they ever did I would want them to see that giving up is never an option. What is meant to be is meant to be. And when you love someone..giving up on that love is never an option either. I know we still have obstacles to over come and life will not always be a bed of roses, but I love this man, he makes me feel alive, makes me hope for better things for myself, makes me love him more with each passing breath. For him alone would I pull the stars from the sky, die a thousand deaths, and search every lifetime for his soul in another just to be near him. I, Ruby, wanted demon, am not only carrying Wyatt's child...I am getting married to him as well! Whatever higher power is responsible for guiding lives, be it the fates, god, or someone else...thank you..for granting this demon, this woman her every waking wish and her every sleeping dream..

Memoirs of Madness~49

So many changes in so little time. All I ever want to do is eat lately, despite the morning sickness or the twenty four sickness as I prefer to call it. I am only slightly beginning to show. To most people I probably don't look pregnant at all, but I can see and feel the subtle changes. I am amazed at all a body goes through when it comes to carrying a tiny life inside of you. Nausea, throwing up, tender breasts, mood swings, and my ever growing craving for french fries. I loved them before, every since I first tried them, but now it is much like an addiction. I believe it has become my main food group. I don't see much of Sky or Shara these days, but that is to be expected after all the hurt and damage I have caused for a second time. I try to spend as much time with Willa as possible which never really is enough for me, but I know she has that damned boyfriend of hers to spend time with. I really try hard to keep my mouth shut about that boy, because Willa deserves so much better than that juvenile disrespectful little punk, but she loves him so I have to do everything in my power to turn the other cheek when really..I'd like to kick his ass. If I am going to speak the truth in these pages then I might as well be honest about that little shit as well. He's going to hurt her, it's an intuition that won't go away. And my relationship with Wyatt continues to grow a bit deeper each day. It's such a different feeling to know you truly love someone, but somehow each day you seem to love them more. He is still gone often and Willa tries to fill those spaces of empty time, bless her heart, but along with all the other symptoms of being pregnant comes something else. New worries that plague your mind. Unlike most mothers, I am concerned with what powers our child may have, how adamant the underworld will be to get their hands on our child, will I be a decent mother, will I do right by this child, and with Wyatt so bogged down in his duties I wonder if he will miss out on all the greatest milestones of his child. I am not sure why, but that right now clouds most of my thoughts. I want this baby to be raised in a home where both parents contribute, now that Wyatt knows the truth and can be there for his child. And I miss him. I miss him when he is away for so long. It is hard to not have him near. It's hard to not become restless and do foolish things like hunt to pass time and wind up in the hospital for several days while your body "winds" down to a more stress free level. Or so that's what the doctor's call it in plain English so I could understand. Though I am stuck here for at least one more day, it was nice to spend one night with Wyatt curled up in the hospital bed beside me, his strong reassuring arms around me as we huddled together and slept. And then last night with Willa, loads of girlie magazines spread all over the bed. Though we both know I am not into fashion, dresses, or rings of any kind..we spent hours pouring over these things just to occupy my time. She always knows just what to do to lighten my moods. But, my thoughts constantly wonder back to Wyatt and the night he spent with me here. There was something weighing heavy on his mind, something he tried to get out a couple of times, but then changed his mind. I never did get out of him what had him looking so serious. I hope he is not hiding anything from me or something has made him extremely serious or upset and he won't let me share the burden with him..but that is my Wyatt..ever serious..and ever a complete mystery to me. I wonder, if one day, I will ever unravel that mystery...

Memoirs of Madness~48

Despite all the ups and downs that I have gone through with Wyatt so far, I don't think I have found happiness like this..possibly in forever. I feel care free, despite the morning sickness I feel great. Like everything is finally in its place. But I don't gloat so much about this, because things can change in the matter of minutes. I know I shouldn't live each moment waiting for the shoe to drop, but I do. Maybe it's past history, maybe it's just one of my biggest flaws, but I try not to let it rule me or the good moments Wyatt and I now share. And speaking of morning sickness, who in the hell coined that phrase? I wish someone had clued me into the fact that the nausea and the throwing up could strike at any given moment. Then again, no one ever said as a demon it was possibly for me to conceive. But even those bouts with feeling less than special are bearable with Wyatt at my side. I do wish he was around more, but his Whitelighter duties pull him away often, but I can't complain about the good he is doing in the world. For what moments we do have, we make the most of. I know there is a sense of sadness in him at times and I know it's due to Chris. And there isn't anything I can do to help, or anything I could say to take away some of that for him. Just as there is no way for him to help me with the my own issues over what I have done to Sky. Chris is taboo. An unspeakable name from my lips. A conversation of topic I dare not bring up. I say that I can be myself completely around Wyatt, but, in truth, there is still a small amount I hold back from him. I hold tightly to my own weakness and inferiority complex against that brother of his. And, yes...there you have it. Because it is an inferiority complex. That man has a certain way of making me hate myself even more..like I am the only creature in the world with faults. The entire world equals perfection..and then there's me..Ruby..the whore of a demon who destroyed everything. Maybe, in a way I did, but why do people forget it takes two. I would never wish Chris's hate on Wyatt, Wyatt has enough to deal with. But neither do I enjoy being the "destroyer". It was never my intention..ever.. And even though I sit here and do all that is possible to keep any bad thoughts from entering my mind..somehow there is that darkness that hovers and threatens to descend..maybe it's hormonal..or maybe it's a foreshadowing of the not so bright future that is just around the next corner..

Memoirs of Madness~47

Trying to be more than one person is driving me towards the brink of insanity. Quite possibly I have already reached that point and simply can not recognize it. I am not even sure I would want to. God, or whoever, what have I done? I never set out to hurt anyone, I truly didn't and now I have to deal the repercussions of such ugly deceit. If Sky were to never speak to me again, I would not blame him. As I am sure will be the course of things now. Most likely, Sky and Shara are both completely gone from my life. I keep wrestling with all of these things and I am sure my ramblings upon these pages sound like a broken record by now. I know with each person you tend to take on a different role. It is the way life works. Not everyone can deal with the outspoken mouthy side of me and not everyone cares for the more sedate me, but I am going to extremes any more. Part of me is glad to have told Sky the truth now. That part of that is tired of holding back that more out going side of my nature. The part of me that is with Sky is always holding back some part of herself, for fear the entire me would not be who he wants. But, the other part, that part that makes me loathe myself and makes me turn from any mirror because I don't want to see my own self reflected there..that part wishes nothing but more damnation upon my head. Never before I have ever hurt someone so badly and thoroughly than as to utter the words "the baby is not yours." Even my own voice sounded foreign when I finally said those words. I can not even begin to fathom what Wyatt is going through, I have yet to hear from me. I know he is telling Chris that he is going to be a father. I don't envy Chris or Wyatt that pain. So, you wrestle with this conviction, that part of your conscious that reminds you have done something so wrong and possibly unforgiving. Then there is a second side, the side that breaths a sigh of relief at not hiding any longer, of being able to finally breathe as an entire person and not half of one. The one where you finally feel as if you are where you are supposed to belong. Allow me to add another aspect onto that. I am scared as hell. And trust me, coming from a demon, that is saying something. I do not know on what kind of journey I am about to embark. I have a life growing inside of me that I must now protect, a life who's father may or may not truly want me and if he does want me, I worry how long that will last. That sounds callous and harsh after the hurt I just caused someone whose heart I held in my hands. But rarely do we truly wish the same fate upon ourselves and mean it. I am not sure I could stand another heart break of epic proportions with Wyatt..but here I am, waiting for him to stop by..waiting to try again...

Memoirs of Madness~46

I am not completely sure why I wound up in front of Wyatt's place. No, that's a complete lie, my feet seem to go on automatic pilot whenever I go for a walk. Even if  for the simple reasons of clearing my head, I subconsciously always walk that way. Blame it on my stalker tendencies when it comes to that man I suppose. God, how I miss him, and not for lack of Willa's trying to keep me always occupied and laughing. And so I wound up out front of his house, simply in a trance. I had no knowledge of anything or anyone around me, just the soft breeze being carried through the early night air. I am not sure when he came outside or even why he did. Maybe he saw me through the window and caught me in a daze. Maybe he sensed my closeness as I often did his. Or maybe even Willa dared to call him to tell him I was wondering out on my own and it really wasn't such a smart idea for me to be doing so. And as he drew closer, moving down the sidewalk towards me, I became suddenly very aware of his presence. Wyatt is the kind of man who commands attention when he is close by or maybe that is simply how I see him. It was obvious by the soft look on his face and his body language that Willa had told him. Gone was the angry man from a week or so ago, the one who refused to even come near me. We stood there for a few moments without a single word to each other, simply letting our gazes fix on the other. He didn't come straight out and say he knew, he simply asked if what Willa had told him and what she had overheard at my place was true. All I could do was nod. Some might argue that demons lie and might be fooling me into believing the baby is Wyatt's when in fact the unborn child is Sky's, but then again those same people do not know the life the way I do. The demons who continually visit, if not in physical form, then within my dreams are holding no punches back. Only another heir to the charmed ones throne would have them in such an uproar. Just as Willa never questioned me, neither did Wyatt. Though I am sure he has some possible doubts. I know I have absolutely no doubts. And as he drew me into his arms I felt a sudden release of tension I didn't even know I had been holding onto. Those arms promised no harm would come to either myself or the baby, even as the words were murmured softly into my ear. Being so close brought back the butterflies that I so often felt in the pit of my stomach when he was near, the same ones many had told me usually disappeared so shortly after knowing someone for awhile. We spent most of the night talking, discussing, holding each other, and deciding what would happen next. And the inevitable is what shall happen next, the down side to being thrilled at having Wyatt's child is knowing the betrayal I will soon have to reveal to Sky and Wyatt will somehow have to tell Chris as well. This will destroy so much, but this seems to be what we do and I feel worse for Wyatt than I do for myself. Wyatt deserves every happiness and I am not sure if I add to this or I somehow destroy what little chance he has at it whenever we are together. It always leads to us hurting others. For myself, I am what I am, I suppose it only goes to show that I am remaining true to my demonic nature and deceiving those around me. No one should feel pity for me, ever. I deserve every punishment I get, but I am not sure how the miracle of giving birth to a child is deserving punishment. Oh, what a tangled web we weave, when we first practice to deceive..

Memoirs of Madness~45

If it wasn't for Willa, I believe I would have gone insane by now. Wyatt won't speak to me, not that I can blame him, it hurts too much to be around Sky because of my betrayal. Not that he seems to notice a whole lot how much time I spend at home, though I do spend a fair amount of time with him and of course, how could I ever say anything to Shara. But, Willa..she hasn't condemned me. Though neither does she know the true paternity of the baby. But it's not from lack of trying. I have tried to leave subtle hints to her about there might be somethings no one knows the truth of, but with being unable to say anything to anyone, my hints are not getting through to her. She can sense my funk, knows I feel almost suicidal some days and would like nothing more than to go out and hunt the crap out of something. So she keeps me company, no questions, loads of hugs, and more crazy antics than i keep track of. I have her to thank to my laughter instead of tears. Those I save for the night time, when I am all alone and there's no one to question my weaknesses. And for the love of all things..that girl brought over a damned bottle..a bottle with a genie in it! I will admit to a certain level of crazy, even a certain level of madness to the things I have seen and experienced in my existence, but I did not for one moment believed genies and magic lamps existed. I swear on all that is unholy, you spend one day with this girl and you may question your own sanity, but you know what, I wouldn't trade that insanity for anything in the world because she is the one person helping to keep my head above water these past days. Needles to say, she wound up wishing herself into this damned bottle and letting the genie out. Guess that goes to show that you should always be careful what you wish for. And then of all people to show up at my door, in pops one of my least favorite people in the world, second only to Chris Halliwell. Willa's boyfriend Tony pops over and thinks he is going to take the bottle, along with Willa in it with him! Of all the nerve, that punk ass kid is going to get a beat down some day. Not that I would ever say to that Willa, but somehow I am pretty sure she knows how I feel. But by late in the evening, Tony was gone, Willa was free, and the bottle and genie were gone. Having three wishes is so not as fun as it is in the movies. As things began to settle, I felt a certain shift in the air, a power that didn't belong in my home. I am not sure if Willa can read me so well or she felt the same shift. I excused myself to my room, closing the door behind me to face the demon with a look of pure disgust. How many times were they going to warn me to keep quiet, of what I stood to lose if I said anything. I knew how much was on the line. I remember feeling panicked with Willa just down stairs and then relieved when the demon left. And when I opened the door to see Willa on the opposite of the door her eyes wide, I felt my legs give out from beneath me, but somehow managed to not collapse. I am so beyond screwed...

Memoirs of Madness~44

If it wasn't for the tiny life growing inside of me, I would turn myself in and make some god damned demon a rich son of a bitch. But, then again, if it wasn't for the tiny life growing inside of me, I wouldn't feel like dying a million tortured deaths at the hands of the worse demon hell had to offer. These words come hard and they come slow, because it is hard to work through the tears that demand to be ever present. I did not it was possible for a body to shed so many tears. I would have thought they would have dried up hours ago. I am exhausted and feel like I could sleep for at least a week straight and still not find the energy to go on. I keep seeing both of their faces over and over again and it all plays out like a horrendous nightmare of sorts. Sky ecstatic and full of hope. Wyatt heart broken, I think, and full of such venom and anger. Not that I can blame him. If not for the fact that I carry a piece of him within me, I would leave this body and give myself over to whatever fate awaits me. He came over tonight, full of affection and passion as always, but he knew something was up and I knew I had to tell him before things went any further. Although it happened hours ago, it still stings like it was a mere few minutes. I stood on the stairs, several steps up from him, unable to look him in the eyes for fear he might see the truth written there and then his life would be forfeit. All of our lives would be forfeit. I know he would chastise me for not believing he was stronger than these demons, but so many more lives were at stake here and I couldn't risk it. I couldn't risk the soul of our child being taken by Lilith. He demanded to know who the baby belonged to, but I couldn't utter one single word. I couldn't bring myself to lie or tell the truth either way as the tears started, only to never shut down. I can remember the anger in the words at how he would never touch me again, never touch a woman who was pregnant by another man. I remember my legs giving out beneath me as I sank to the stairs in defeat, I remember saying his name to try and calm him and rationalize things, and I remember wishing god would strike me dead. and like that he was gone and I was left to my own shattered world. I guess I deserve this, this is what happens when you play with fire and I still have yet to learn my lesson. It was hours before I moved from those dreaded stares, hours before I could finally lift my head. How I wish there was someway around this, some way for the truth to come out without me saying a word. I don't know how long I can live this lie and still live here in San Francisco. Maybe the only thing left to do is run, but this is no way to raise a child. And, I know better than most, what a demon wants...a demon will find and destroy for. I am sorry little one, sorry for the world you will be brought into and most of all...I am sorry you will not get the chance to know your father. If ever you should one day gain access to all my thoughts. I want you to know this one thing..you were conceived of a love and passion that none other has ever witnessed. 

Memoirs of Madness~43

I should have known something was desperately wrong. I haven't been feeling completely myself over the past couple of weeks, maybe a bit longer. It is hard to pinpoint when it happened. I have been feeling constantly sick and my powers have been off, mostly non existent, though I have kept it all to myself. I have kept every bit of my "issues" hidden from everyone as I tried desperately to figure out what was going on. It all became clear a few nights ago, I awoke to three demons standing over me, I would have thought it a dream if not for the extreme pressure of a hand pressed against my throat. It was clear that it was better not to fight until I could learn why they were there and then I could only hope I was quick enough and strong enough to save myself.But it seems they wanted to forma deal with me, though at that point it was unclear what I could possibly have that they wanted. It turned out to be more of what they didn't want. I am pregnant. I do not understand the hows because it is something that should be an impossibility for me, but the truth remains. It answers why I have been feeling so strangely. In exchange for my own life and the baby's I must remain silent on the baby's true paternity. I was confused at first as the demon holding me moved away and allowed me to breathe properly. I had sat up in bed, letting my hand massage the soreness there. See, there is a possibility of two fathers. The baby is a Halliwell and they see it as an opportunity to gain more power as he grows, but for now I will remain silent or forfeit both of our lives, Wyatt's, Willa's, Sky's and Shara's as well hang in the balance. It would be much easier to kill me and be done and not worry about anything, but the power hungry idiots will bind his powers until they deem worthy. Oh, how they underestimate who I am, for I will find a way around this mess. I will not put anyone else at risk, especially the life that grow inside of me. I accept this child for the miracle he or she is. But the thought is killing me to have to lie about this,if the truth happens to come out later it will shatter so many more lives than it would right this moment. I offered them up defiance, refused to be their puppet to the tune of my stomach twisting in pain as if I were dying a million deaths. They show, nightly, at least one of them every night to invade my dreams and keep me accountable for the deal that has been made. Maybe it will be okay to raise this child and then when they come to come claim her or him..I will fight them to the death. Maybe. The only thing that will be hard to live with is the lie. Wyatt will deny me if he learns I am pregnant and believes the child is not his. Oh, the tangled web I have weaved about myself since the day I walked into this damnable city. And now my fate is sealed. I went to the doctor's today, with Sky, and he was ecstatic about the idea of having a child. Could he not read the sadness in my eyes? See the turmoil on my face or the agony in my voice. Have I become so good at deceiving that he can not see these things. Tomorrow I will confront Wyatt, tell him this awful lie in order to protect him...in order to protect everything and everyone I have come to hold dear. There is no end to my turmoil other than death, but even that is not a choice now...it's all been stripped from me. Even now..free from it's torment and trappings, hell still has me locked firmly in its jaw...yes, my fate is sealed and all I want is death now for myself.

Memoirs of Madness~42

It's hard being two people all the time. I suppose it's not quite the same as having a split personality, but it's damned close. With Sky, I am quiet and laid back, more reserved, and worse of all I am secretive. With Wyatt, I am a hopeless romantic waiting for him to tear down the walls, passionate, moody, and every bit of my personality is not afraid to show. And, not that anyone reads these or cares, other than my own guilt. I have slept with both. I think I have succumbed to my demon side in ways I had never imagined. In many ways it makes me worse than most of my kind. They have a purpose and they don't tend to hold back, they come at you full force. I wonder,a lot, how bad the guilt eats at Wyatt. if he feels as I do. That everything we do in secret feels so damned right, but so damned wrong at the same time. But neither of us can ever stop ourselves, once we take that one small step we are hopelessly entangled again. I am beginning to realize that we are hopelessly entangled for the rest of our lives regardless of where we are, what we do, and where life has placed us. I am not sure if this makes us soul mates, star crossed lovers doomed to a horrible fate, or something else. He makes me feel alive, even when we argue, though I do long for such things as flowers and dinner dates and not hiding from the world. But, I have those things with Sky. It is a mixed up mess to be sure. Sky feels for me the way I feel for Wyatt and that should be enough for me to turn my back on the on again off again torrid affairs that Wyatt and I always succumb to. It would seem I am as much of a drug to Wyatt as he is for me. Though, I shouldn't jump to conclusions of any sort. It is always hard to read that damnable man. One minute his passion flares red hot and the next he shuts down and throws his walls up. I swear, one day I will tear those walls down and leave him completely vulnerable to me. Not in a harsh, unforgiving way. I just want him to allow himself to be loved and to love without inhibitions. I say it doesn't matter if this happens with someone else but I am such a freaking idiot to even think of writing those words or let the thoughts even fool me. I don't want it to be with anyone else..and again..I will risk everything to be with him. But somehow I cling to Sky as well, afraid to be alone again. Afraid Chris will see the error of his mistakes and work harder and Wyatt will be gone again. No wonder I can never look at myself in the mirror..

Memoirs of Madness~41

I have come to realize that I truly have no one to talk to. Except this paper and pen I take up into my hands now and again when the need strikes. There isn't anyone I can be so truly open and honest with, to beg answers to questions I have, to cry with me, to laugh with me, someone to understand me. I can talk to Willa about almost anything, anything but what weighs my heart most. She is from the future and any slip could alter history drastically, not only that but it's hard to tell her somethings when it comes to my love life and the fucked up mess that it is. I can't talk to Wyatt about it because he would never understand. He is such a beautiful mess in his own right, he doesn't need me to weigh him down further. I already cause enough trouble by simply always being available to him. One would think I could speak to Sky, but right now I don't think his heart could take the emotional turmoil. And because it is a complete betrayal of our relationship. That would leave Shara who would condemn me to the depths of hell for the thoughts I hide and feelings I hide on a daily basis. I am a fucking mess. There is so much built up inside me, such much I can't get a grasp on. For two days Wyatt has been back and I have heard nothing, I am not even sure he knows that I am aware of this. Two days I have been climbing the walls, tow days with no one to talk to. Why destroy anyone's happiness with my internal battle. Two days of goading any demon into a fight that I could find, simply to occupy my moments of restlessness. Even now I feel my ribs mending from the brutal battle earlier this evening, though one should really check out the other guy. I don't think he will be bothering anyone soon. When there is a shortage of fights I can get into, I run the beach for miles with Maltease at my side. Most days I have no clue who or what I am any longer. Am I Sky's girlfriend, am I Wyatt's mistress, am I both, does this make me a whore or a slut as I have so often heard women use these terms. Some days I feel like a trophy given to whomever is the champion of my heart for that moment, but then again I have allowed myself to be in this position. Yes, it would truthfully be much simpler to go away and leave this place behind and leave those I have come to know and love, but I can't seem to walk away. I want him back, I want Wyatt back in my life and I want to be the one to make him happy. I have known this for a while now. It makes me whatever name anyone chooses to call me. Even my guilt over what these thoughts would do to Sky is nothing in comparison to wanting to be the one to teach Wyatt that he deserves to be free of the chains he puts around himself. But I don't know how to completely break through. I have declared my love for him, I have backed off when he needed me to, I have walked away to allow him what he chooses. I walk away but still remain. Why can't he see me..ME..who would give him the entire world at his feet if he would only allow me. I would love him unconditionally..I love him as he is..for who he is...for what he has been..for who he might become..I, who would give my life for him..would sell my soul a hundred times over if he would just truly see me for once. Not as a  distraction when Chris is away. I wonder if the first time he told me that he loved me if he really meant it. So many broken promises..so much lost..and yet I still hold out hope..that someday he will love me as I love him. I suppose that makes me the biggest fool of all.

Memoirs of Madness~40

Sometimes, you say something you completely stand behind one moment, but in the next wish you could take it all back. Take it back because when the words you spoke come true, you realize they hurt on a much deeper level than you expected. So many times I have told myself to leave this place, to break the hearts I need to and never turn back. It seems so much easier to turn and go, to avoid all the heartache I seem to endure, to avoid the heartache I tend to inflict. I can not give one hundred percent of myself to the man I am with and when I try to give the man I can't seem to get out of my mind, more than one hundred percent..he turns his back. In the end, I was right. My soul wasn't able to be brought back. If it has been, then Wyatt would have come to me first no matter how injured he was. As has been the norm the past few days, I went to Wyatt's place and I am ever grateful that for whatever reason I shimmered in outside his window. Wyatt was home, in Chris arms. I could tell he was injured badly and guilt tore through me at all he had gone through, in vain. I try to comfort myself with the knowledge that Chris could heal him and I can't..but it doesn't ease the sting of watching them look at each other. My glance was only a mere few moments, but it was all it took to somehow shatter me once again. I couldn't even find the energy to pull on my demon powers to shimmer back home. The long walk home found me moving along the beach barefoot and trying to pretend the entire world had vanished into nothingness. Why do I keep doing this to myself? When will I learn that it will never work..ever. He will always go back to Chris and no matter how much of myself I give him..no matter how hard I try..I will NEVER be enough! I'm a demon, for Lucifer's sake!  I should be dominating the world, making people fear me, taking whatever the hell I want! And here I am, alone with my miserable thoughts of feeling somehow betrayed while I betray someone else who loves me unconditionally. Human emotions are too damned complicated or maybe it is only this emotion of love that leaves so many in turmoil. Some times I swear to myself if things between Sky and I do not work that I will no longer allow myself to love. I simply won't let myself become close to anyone at all, ever again. But that is the harshest reality of all. That I look at the possibilities of not being with Sky for a lifetime. I used to think eternity was possible with someone if you happened to find your soul mate, for me I would have sworn it was Wyatt. For me..there is only this eternal back and forth of really never understanding why the heart is not only stronger than my head..but my heart seems to continually want what it can not have...

Memoirs of Madness~39

Men are the most stubborn creatures ever created. And I mean the human males. They far out weigh any other creature I have come across. The same race so eager and hell bent on destroying themselves and each other most of the time, also carry such courageous amounts of love and compassion that it is frightening. I asked him not to. I told Wyatt he owed me nothing and especially not this. Yes, I strive to maintain my humanity and maybe someday be given the forgiveness for what I am and for the things I have done. But that should be my burden. I am a demon, I chose to be a demon over three hundred years ago. It is a life I am damned to live because once so very long ago I damned myself to live it. It doesn't matter what I choose now, it can't be changed. Can it? The same man who seemed so saddened by his own loneliness only days ago has decided to risk his life for one soul that is so ravaged and damaged, it may not be worth saving. How can he risk so much for me, for the soul I bartered with. I begged him to not go, told him it was a mistake, that he would end up hurt or worse..the damned man is stubborn. Chris would kill me if he found out, which I am sure in the end he will, regardless. I kissed him over and over, held tight to him, hoping he would change his mind because I simply could not live a life without him in it or live a life where I was responsible for him losing his. The pleading fell on deaf ears as he orbed from my arms. We aren't even..what are we? Friends? Something more? I am not even sure anymore. A few stolen kisses, a few nights spent each other's arms..but nothing more than that has happened. So what does that make us really? Not that it matters as long as the world does not take him from me. I have spent close to three days pacing the floor, giving excuses to stay home and not go anywhere for fear he could not find me if he needed. I am sure Sky is not suspicious, he just thinks I am not well and too busy. I keep finding myself going to Wy's apartment, waiting for him, calling out to him with no answer at all. I was there tonight, waiting, my curiosity leading me to walk through the apartment, taking in his very essence. It did something to my heart to see small reminders here and there of Chris, to catch his lingering scent now and again mixed in with Wyatt's. I have no right to be jealous or even worry about such things when Wyatt is risking everything. Without warning he is there, in front of me, looking well, but looking exhausted. At first I thought it was truly him, but was too quickly find out it was nothing more than a projection of himself, telling em not to worry, assuring me everything will be all right. With one small kiss, a kiss that still lingers on my lips, he was gone again. It seemed telling him to come back home and forget this foolish but noble notion of his was not heeded. This is all I can do..pace and write..I don't even remember the last time I ate anything or even thought of it. Not even that matters..I just want him home and whole..even if it is not with me. Not even that matters right now..Please come home, Wyatt..please, come home safe and sound..I can't live in a world where you are not in it..

Memoirs of Madness~38

Being who and what I am, I am very secure and knowledgeable when it comes to leaving a type of double life. After all, demons are known for being a treacherous lying bunch. And, I guess, though I see myself as above this type of existence. I am not. I am living it to it's full extent. My time is divided between two men, two men I love deeply, but for two very separate reasons. This does not make me less of a lying treacherous bitch. It is what it is and I am what I am. I would love to say i do not choose to live this way, but everything I do by choice. No one holds me at knife point and demands that I be this way. But neither did I ask my hear to feel like this, to be completely torn. Sky still remains perfect, caring, gentlemanly, and always sure that I am happy. He is calm in the face of everything, even in his lovemaking. Where as Wyatt is a mess, ill tempered, a pain in my ass, not exactly what I would call a gentleman, keeps me and my heart in constant turmoil, he is fiery as is his lovemaking. Not that we have engaged in such activity. Not since our last break up. Thou we both know the tension is there, the need and want to be all over each other is at the tips of our fingers..we ignore our libidos and have stuck to doing our best to remain companionable. I would laugh at the mere thought of this, if it didn't stand to destroy two people if we give in. But history seems constantly doomed to repeat itself over and over again, like Wyatt and I are caught in some sort of crazy loop. Every moment we spend together, simply talking or even cuddling is a step closer to the inevitable. I don't know why I chose to stay home last night, instead of staying at Sky's as I did most commonly in the evenings when I was not occupied with Wyatt, but I did. I took Maltease for a walk along the beach, letting him run some of that damned puppy energy off. He grows bigger by the day and his training is going remarkably well. He has learned the difference between my blood and the smell of other demon's blood and can almost track them with one hundred percent accuracy. It makes me wonder where Wyatt got him. As we returned from the walk, I showered and was even going to fore go any type of writing, opting for once to simply try for a good night's sleep. I was heading towards the stairs when the all familiar image of Wyatt orbing in stopped me in my tracks. Of course, i am sure it came to no surprise that I wore one of his tee shirts that I had taken from him months ago. Only at home and when alone, or sometimes when Willa stayed over, did I wear his shirt. After all, there was no need to hide from Willa my attachment to her Uncle. Coming from the future she knew much more than I what would go on between the two of us. I was unsure why he was showing up unannounced at a rather early hour, but he looked weary and worn out. Almost as if someone had robbed him of his life force. So we sat on the couch and talked like old friends and lovers, cuddling as he only merely hinted at the fact that Chris was suddenly close to non existent in his life once again. This man who only wanted nothing more than to be loved, acknowledged, and maybe even needed seemed almost brought to his knees by sadness. I hate seeing him like that, especially when he will never admit how deep the hurt goes. The talk soon turned to a few stolen kisses, sweet at first before slowly turning to something more needing and passionate. I am not sure who decided to move away first or stop before we went too far, but it was over almost as quickly as we started. I knew he didn't want to be alone so I did the best I could and offered him my couch so he at least wasn't alone. Needless to say, I tossed and turned as I found my way to bed last night. He was too close, his scent filled the apartment, and when I closed my eyes I would swear I could hear him breathing his soft sounds of sleep from all the way downstairs. But he wasn't asleep and it seemed the very puppy Wyatt had given me for Christmas not so long ago had other plans as he guided Wyatt to my room...or so Wyatt said. Maltease is an incredible dog, so who was I to question it. I have spent many nights lying in Wyatt's arms, not in a sexual manner, but just being together and being close and some of those night's tend to stand out more than others. It seemed like an almost tangible shift in our relationship..whatever that relationship would turn out to be was anyone's guess. But sometimes things happen as simple as lying together, listening to each other's breathing and heart beats and you know somehow, something has changed...

Memoirs of Madness~37

Playing with fire is a term I have heard often in my existence, a term that has often been used referring to the way I live my life. I go in with both guns blazing, so to speak. Shoot now and ask questions alter, if anyone is left alive, of course. I have spent many life times flirting with danger and enticing into my little bubble. I believe my name may even be synonymous with trouble. I believe someone once told me I should tattoo it on my ass. So many of my pages are filled with thoughts on my love life and with hardly much else these days and maybe I don't pay enough attention to the rest. But, I know who my friends are and I do not struggle with the fact that I love Willa and Shara, my two best friends in the world. They mean everything to me and so I do not need to sort my thoughts out about them so much as I need to sort my thoughts out when it comes to Sky and Wyatt. Or maybe, I am fooling myself and it is mostly my thoughts about Wyatt. His is the face that places me in so much turmoil. But I ma getting off subject. And that is how I invite trouble so willingly into my life. That a lot of times I have no one to blame but myself for my actions and tonight I owe the fire all to a little black dress. I had bought it some time back for some occasion or another, I am not even sure why. It was an impulse buy that I thought I might someday use, despite the fact I rarely ever wear a damned dress anyhow. I was on my own tonight with nothing else to do so I put on the dress and got myself dolled up as if I was going on a date, problem was I had no date to go on for the evening. So, dress plus a bored me, apparently equals trouble as I end up, without a second thought at Wyatt's door. I won't lie about how empowering it was to see his face and watch the fire burn in his eyes as he opened the door. There was no denying that look on his face as we stood there face to face. I think he may have been even hesitant to invite me in, but he did. Needless to say, it felt good to know he couldn't keep his eyes off me. But his hands remained to himself as did mine. Somewhere in the middle of stolen , heated glances we ordered dinner and out and sat down on the couch together to enjoy some Chinese and each other's company. Now, I can't truthfully say that I dropped the food in my lap on purpose because I am a klutz when it comes to chop sticks, it might have been completely on accident. But you know, the dress now needed to come off and be replaced with one of Wyatt's shirts so I didn't ruin the dress further. This was a game I should have never embarked on, I should have never gone there and so I am stuck between two places yet again. One that follows my heart alone and one that follows not only my heart but my head as well. How is it that the war is always seemingly harder fought when it comes to the heart alone. Feeling emblazoned by my small amount of power, I didn't hold back with any type of harmless flirting at this point. But when he touched me, brushing some hair back from my face. I broke, I can't even begin to fathom how many pieces I broke into at this point. One part was scared to death by that touch, another part begged for more, another part screamed at me to run now, and yet another part begged me to push it as far as I could and then leave him wanting. Leave him wanting as I had been left wanting so many times before. Yes, part of me dove into a chance at getting a small amount of revenge. So I went with it, straddling him, demanding his attention, and the moment I knew he wanted me as much as I truly wanted him..even leaving him hanging, pissing him off that way as I simply redressed and asked him how it felt. Somehow I had let my own little game back fire. Now, if I could simply walk out that door..just walk away and leave him needing..wanting..but his anger tore through me and in the end I couldn't walk away. I wanted to hate him for his words, for daring me to walk out that door and prove I was just playing with him when all this time my heart seemed to beat for only him and all I ever felt like was his plaything. But as I said, it does not matter what the head says to you or warns you of. The heart is, after all, the strongest of the two. The heart alone is even stronger than the head and heart combined. And though nothing further happened this evening, I know I have gone down a very treacherous path. A path I know I will hide from anyone and everyone but Wyatt and myself. It is inevitable that we have now started down a path we both know so well, and are so damned good at..no one will ever know. Except for Willa..for with her I seem to keep no secrets at all. I sicken myself with how I seem to glow with knowing I will see him again and torn to know he is all I ever seem to want. He is what I always come back to and it always ends in pain...sadly, as much as I love to play with fire..I know somewhere..I am going to get burned..

Memoirs Of Madness~36

These are some of my favorite moments lately, though it leaves me alone with the train wreck that is my heart and so called love live. I love the cool breeze blowing in from the ocean, a blanket upon my lap, the moon shining over the water, a cup of coffer or hot chocolate beside me depending on my mood, and my journals and pen in hand. I would live out on this balcony if I could, because it provides the only calm place for me to rationalize my heart and me head. If these things are even remotely possible. My heart has become a war zone with booby traps placed in bizarre locations, threatening to explode if anyone would should trip the wires. I am no fool in knowing what I am. Though the word whore seems a bit extreme to me as I have not betrayed anyone in that sense, meaning my body has not betrayed anyone. I know in my heart, lies the biggest betrayal of all. It is true, what humans say, about not ever getting over your first love. No matter how much heartache, pain, or denial we like to place upon ourselves, no matter how much we say time will change things..for some of us, this is just not possible. If, I was smart I would listen to every word my head is screaming at me. With Sky it is all perfect and simple, everything falls into place and life is not such a chaotic mess. But, my heart is louder and not so easy to ignore. Everything falls into place with Wyatt as well, only in another sense. But life with him leaves me feeling vulnerable, unsure of myself, and most times incapable of ever being enough for that man. 
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice..shame on me..again..and again..and again. That damned man confuses me. I went into this so called "movie night" with the intentions of me learning to let go, telling myself to realize that Wyatt wants nothing more than my friendship and someone to let his guard down around, someone he doesn't always need to prove himself to. I can't even remember what asinine movie we bothered popping into watch because it all turned so quickly. I could feel the tension within myself the moment I sat on the couch with him, keeping myself at a safe enough distance. I tried hard to pay attention to the movie and concentrate on shoveling popcorn into my mouth. But there was such a playful side to him tonight, one I am hardly ever witness to. This was not the serious Wyatt who exchanged brief glances with me as if neither of us were trying to get caught, or the ever present serious man who began throwing popcorn back at me when the tension became to much. Yes, I resorted to something as childish as throwing popcorn, but it was a stress reliever, made the atmosphere feel more relaxed. I couldn't say that he was feeling the tension or even the electricity I was feeling at that moment, but it was there. Popcorn throwing became a pillow fight, the movie completely abandoned. The pillow fight moved into me lying underneath him, and may the gods help me, it was like being home. It was if every part of me cried out and said yes, this was how it was supposed to be. And then it was definitely tangible, the electricity. Not only on my part, but it was evident on his face as well as his lips hovered so close to mine. All I had to was lift my head or him to lower his, but neither of us moved. It was forbidden, out of bounds has he eventually moved from me with not a word spoken. I could weep if not for the irony of this whole thing. It seems our timing is always wrong and that should be a hint to both of us that this is not meant to be, but somewhere my heart denies this and cries out at the injustice of not being followed. We can't keep hurting the others in our lives like this nor can we keep playing this game together. 
As a demon, one doesn't give a shit about the hurt you cause others, you have no moral standings, you take what you want and screw anyone who gets in your way. In some aspects that would be so much easier, to give into the darkness, persuade Wyatt to do the same and then we would be unstoppable. It worries me that I have actually delved into these darkest thoughts, actually giving them some weight and consideration. But the humanity in me hates myself, can't stand the reflection I see in the mirror. I am my own worse enemy anymore, a betrayer, a harlot..or any other manner of words one possibly choose to lie upon me. But even the worse bone crushing words, even the hatred I pile upon myself is not enough to kill what I feel for him. Even now, when I should be crushed under the weight of guilt I feel, the flames burn hotter for him..my Wyatt..my beloved..the same man I would still give everything up for..even if it meant him hurting me again. May my soul be damned a hundred times more over for the betrayal of my heart..