Memoirs of Madness~34 REVISED

And just like that, we have found our way back together, taking small tentative steps. I know Sky is wary, worried about getting hurt again, but here we are back together again after all the damage that has been done. I can't, honestly understand how he could even remotely have any feelings for me at all. I would expect them to be all negative and I have Kyra at my throat as well. Not that I can blame her much. If I was smart I would walk away from all of this love and heart break drama. Sky and I both understand where each of us stands, where our hurts and insecurities come from and I am hoping it will make our bond even more strong. As my thoughts scatter a bit, I move back to Kyra and her invested interest on why I should get my shit figured out, why I am not allowed to have both Sky and Wyatt. Does she not understand that I do not want both men, that it's not like that. Some part of me is torn between the two. One is always damning me to a life of heart break and one is always picking me up, cherishing me through every hurt despite hurting him. One would think the choice was easy, that all of the answers are directly in front of my face, especially as I lie safe and warm in Sky's arms, everything seeming to be right with the world again. I think she's after Wyatt as well, Kyra that is. I am not sure how I feel about this. Another woman occupying his time if he and Chris should fail. Jealousy still tends to loom large over me at times and I work day by day and moment by moment to push Wyatt further and further from my mind. He is akin to an addiction that has no cure or not twelve step program to help you through the withdrawal symptoms. Once the addiction has taken over and branded you, I think the best one can do is try and move forward and let the addiction, let the poison, slowly work it's way from your system.  And it is a very, agonizingly slow process. Sky and I are taking things slow and I am not sure if Shara is okay with this or not, I know she is worried I will hurt Sky again. What seems so complicated is so very easy really. He can't or won't see it, but the way he feels over me..all the conflicting emotions of hurt, anger, and love..are the same things I have over Wyatt. The hurt Sky can so easily remember resides within me as well, only it is not Sky who hurt me. I try to focus on my relationship with Sky while the rest of the world seems maddening. Shara who seems so unsure of everything in life, Kyra who only wants me to choose so she can have the other, and Willa..my poor little Willa. And I don't say that in a mean way. I never have much like her boyfriend Tony. The kid has been trouble from the start, but for her, I try to tolerate him as best as I can. He has no sense of respect for anyone and despite what Willa says...I somehow do not think he respects her either. But that is not my choice to make for her. We must all make our choices and either rise or fall from them. I smile as she once complained I was spending too much time with Sky and not her to which I jokingly replied that she never complained when I was wrapped up in her uncle. We share so many memories already, her and I. Good ones and bad ones alike..but I would not change one thing except that I somehow wish she would reconsider her choice of boyfriend. Maybe I am wrong, maybe when no one is around Tony is a completely different person, but I am not sure I comprehend why she allows him to treat others as he does. I wonder does he treat her parents with the same disrespect as he treats me or does he sense how deep within my depths I am unworthy of anyone's respect. Something, I often ask of myself. Especially, when I am in a relationship with what most would consider the perfect man. I am supposing this is another similarity between Willa and I..and even Shara. There is something to be said for falling or going for the bad boy. But, Wyatt is another time and over the days I know his memory will fade into nothing. Besides, he has Chris and Kyra should he choose. He has moved on and forgotten about me. Isn't time for me to do the same?

Memoirs of Madness~33

And so the weeks continue to slowly move by and the nights become increasingly easy to bear. I have friends and a pooch to fill my time and direct my thoughts in a whole other place. Don't get me wrong, I still think of Wyatt on an occasional basis, how could I not. But it has become so much easier to bear. Maltease is nothing short of amazing in his training, which I have decided to keep from everyone and anyone, he will be own secret weapon, an unsuspected surprise to any demon who will or should think they can simply pop in anytime they please. I am more sure with each passing day, that wherever Wyatt found him, he is more than just a mere canine with higher than average intelligence. And as fun as it has been to train him, I still pass much time with Shara as I can. She reminds much of myself in my darker days where I everything made no sense and nothing mattered. Days where I walked around in an alcoholic daze because I couldn't deal with who or what I had become. Not that Shara is an alcoholic, that title belongs to me, but she has found other ways to feed her inner demons.  I do try spending a little time with Sky as well because despite everything between us, I do value his friendship, but I feel something growing again between us and so I continue to see him as little as I can to avoid such complications. I think Kyra senses these emotions between us still and feels helpless to stop them. I have caused enough pain and it would do well for me to live life on my own terms and not worry about another relationship until I am settled and sure of what I want. And my dearest Willa. If ever there was anyone who aspired to be like me and to constantly either be in trouble, or have trouble chase them down, it is her and I love her to the very depths of every trouble making moment she had. Not to say that any other friend I have is less or more than Willa. But one has many friends who serve different purposes in your life and I love each one of them as dearly as I love the next. They are the ones to keep me real, keep me grounded, and give me that small kick in the ass when I start losing myself in any kind of darkness. The weeks have been filled with a drunken strip poker game with Willa and words of despair as she worries over her boobs never growing, not that the ones I have are anything short of small to begin with. There was another night of skinny dipping in Jared Padalecki's pool, which I led her to believe would be great if we could pull it off and not get caught for trespassing. Poor girl almost had a heart attack when we got and then realized how Jared and I have met before and are old friends. Hey, I have helped a lot of people and have far more connections than anyone would ever imagine. Ah, then the piece de resistance! The best part of the past few weeks was crashing a celebrity party, all dolled up, and mingling like we were hot shit. And people were none the wiser for any of it. We fit in perfectly, of course until we started drinking a bit much, but I don't mind. Some nights tend to be a blur in my life anyhow after too much drinking. Childish and immature? Maybe...maybe not, but it doesn't matter when we are enjoying ourselves, there is never any harm to anyone else and without her to keep my mind occupied with non serious stuff..I might still be on the road to damning myself again..

Memoirs of Madness~32

I have heard that time supposedly heals all wounds. I am not so sure about all of this. Maybe it lessens the pain or deadens it a bit, but I don't know that I can agree with a total healing. Though in my alone times it is still harder to deal with things, even weeks later, I am not so forlorn and on a path of self destruction. I have dived into helping Shara conquer some of her demons, leaving mine behind so they can rest and not drag me under so much and I am enjoying our closeness since she has moved into the apartment with me. I still have days where it is hard for me to comprehend her way of thinking or to try and keep her positive when I still feel like the ultimate pessimist, but I do try. And Sky, whom I try to keep my distance from these days, for all the hurt in the world I have caused him, pain I so clearly understand now..he still looks at me like he used to even though he is with Kyra. The look that somehow conveys I would still do anything for you. I think I stay away not only because Kyra and I don't seem to mix too well as friends, but also because the look scares the hell out of me. I don't want to be in a position again to either hurt someone or allow someone close enough to hurt me again. Not that I truly believe Sky would ever hurt me, but neither is going to hurt Kyra either by pushing her aside. It's not fair to him or her. Then there is Maltease, my ever faithful companion, the only one in the world who will not forsake me for another or tell me he is sorry for being by my side. I love this dog that I have grown attached to, this dog that grow like a damned weed every day and eats enough food for twenty puppies his size. But he has something special about him and I am discovering that slowly as I train him to be a good dog. Maltease is a hunter and I am not sure if this is by his given nature or there truly is something about him that is not of this world. And I came to comprehend this about him while we were on a run one night. It was a perfect quiet night along the beach with no one in sight and running in the sand is a better work out than running any where else.  choose to run here because of the peace it gives me and it wears me down at night so I can sleep. As we ran side by side, Maltease and I, he suddenly pulled up short with a growl deep in his throat, a growl I did not believe could come from such a happy go lucky pooch. He planted himself in an attack position right in front of me just before the electrical charge in the air hit and a demon popped into view. The demon was caught off guard Maltease just long enough to make the fight a short one. Now, I have been training him to hunt something more than rustling up game in the underbrush. I am not so sure anyone would believe me if I told them how well he has taken to hunting the things that go bump in the night. And let me not forget Willa, my partner crime, if ever I were to have one. This person has done more than anyone to try and truly give me what I need. Distraction after distraction and helped me to learn I don't have to suck it up, I just have to learn to try and move forward. I need an entire book to map out all of the adventures we have had in just this short amount of time. Oh, we are trouble together, that is for sure and i am not sure who influences who the most, or is more of a bad girl, but I know when we are together I can leave the seriousness behind and if I should happen to grow melancholy because something reminds me of him, she is right there to make me laugh or offer me another drink of vodka. I know I have said this before about someone else, but there is something definitely different when you feel that way about a lover and when you feel about that way about someone who has become your best friend...

Memoirs of Madness~31

The anger comes and goes over the past few days and now mostly is just this extreme emptiness within me. A place where he used to exist. A place I believe I will never let anyone enter again. If there ever was a time i was unsure if I had cried or not. I am no longer unsure, because it seems it is all I do when I am alone. I have looked back over what I have written since the day I have met him and every sign was there for me to run like hell because I was becoming involved with someone who would never give back to me what I was giving him. On all accounts he looks like a total ass and maybe he is. Maybe he's more screwed up than I ever could be or maybe..maybe...there's a reason I can't stand to look at myself in the mirror. Maybe there is a reason I would rather slam my fist into my reflection than to dare look at myself one moment longer. And maybe there is a reason all my fight is gone. I can't figure out if I don't know or I simply don't care. I am so tired of people telling me to suck it up and quit being so over dramatic, to quit moping and get over it. Who are they to tell me these things? Have they not had their hearts ripped out, torn to shreds? Have they ever not felt worthless and unlovable. I think this break up had led me to see things within myself, I wish would have stayed hidden. I am clearly seeing all of my weaknesses and it is unnerving. I need to be accepted, I need to feel and be loved, I need to love, I need to know I am more than the bad parts. It is amazing how no one will ever remember all the good you have done until you are dead and gone, but while you live..while you exist..only the bad things are spoken of and remembered. I can put on the brave face around everyone, even Wyatt if we happen upon each other, and i can do it quite well. It is nobody's business what I do or how I feel in the darkest moments when I am alone. But what do you do, when you've been torn apart by the one you would give everything to? I am not strong like Sky who has found happiness with Kyra..I can not fathom a life without the man I would die for. And, oh the pain of knowing he does not feel the same. The tortures of hell have nothing on this pain called heartbreak. I know Lilith is still playing hide and seek, maybe it is time to call her out and give her what she wants, but I still cling to the friendships I have formed. Some part of me still clings to that hope..and that kind of love, though I am unsure why when all I want to do is be alone with my pain. The pain that not even alcohol can numb any longer. And there is Maltease who comforts me by never leaving my side when we are together and yet remains a painful reminder of what is now gone. His memory is every where, I can not escape even if I tried. I am tired, I am broken and all I have is hope that one way or another..all of this will somehow either find a brighter path or completely destroy me...

Memoirs of Madness~30

My days are dark and lonely, but only because I choose them to be this way. I can see the concern on everyone's face, but I am not sure even that matters much to me right now. The only person that matters only enjoys in watching me become a shattered fool over and over again. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Shara tries, bless her and I try to put on a smile for here, pretend with time I will be okay. Sky, even he has shown concern, but I don't want him near me, to see him is to know that I have caused him the same pain that I have received. And to know he has been far better at handling our break up than I am handling the one now. And then there's Willa, my precious god daughter and fast becoming one of my dearest friends. I am almost afraid to be around her for fear I will start asking her questions she is not allowed to answer. She is not here for my comfort, she is here for something far more important. So, I send my days drinking in seclusion. I prefer no one be a part of my complete undoing. If I manage to avoid not drinking, I spend my days in anger. I have destroyed several things in my apartment, including a mirror tonight which ended in a few nice cuts on my hand. It is the only time I have broken thus far in front of someone and it was Willa. It is why I don't want her near me right now. Because I asked her why tonight, I was angry with her over something that has nothing to do with her, I accused her of being like him in mannerisms and this pushed my anger further. So it is best everyone stay away from me and allow me room to destroy myself as I see fit. All this crap about there are still people here who love means nothing to me in the throes of  this pain. Everyone has moved on so easily and I am stuck in the ceaseless nightmare of booze, no sleep, and hunting. Even my hunting scares me for I don't even bother with the mere idea if the demon is doing wrong or simply minding its own business. It no longer matters to me. If it is a demon, it will die a bloody death with no questions asked. I relish the violence like I have never had before. It is like a balm over my icy heart. But like the alcohol, it soothes and numbs for a short amount of time before I must move on to the next kill or the next bottle of booze. Alcohol, shameless dancing and flirting at the clubs, blood baths..it is all of what I have become now. It used to be all I ever knew and now I find it to be what I know best. After all, isn't that where we belong, doing what we know best. After tonight I will no longer ask why because I know longer care. I know why, because I was not good enough for him, I am a plaything, beckoned when needed and tossed aside when one is done playing with me. And so my days go...alcohol, moments lost because I am so numbed from drink I can't remember where they went, nights clubbing and partying, and evenings spent killing anything I can. And those rare moments when someone does try to see me, I am learning to pretend..pretend I healing slowly, reminding them to give me time, pasting on a smile, and wishing the world away. How is t I have fought so hard to "live" and love and all the demos in the world would hunt me to destroy me. and now that I wish an ultimate death, to exist no more they run and cower in fear when I approach! Even if I beg them to kill me, they turn a blind eye to my pleading, laughing at me as they walk away. None of them will ever turn their backs on me again not when they see what I am capable of when my rage consumes me..what a life I have succumb to. Broken hearted and used up, I am one moment a drunkard and a tease..for no one will ever touch me again..and in the next..a horrifying avenging angel to be feared..

Memoirs of Madness~ 29

Someone once asked me if I knew what it was like to stand in the middle of a crowded room, screaming and no one hears you. Until today, I really never understood what that meant. After today I understand it more than I care to think of. I guess I should start with saying love is a horrible thing, it opens your heart and makes you vulnerable. It means that someone has the ability to get inside you and mess you up. His voice was like velvet the last time I faced him down, beckoning to me, luring me in, and appealing to the darker nature ever hiding inside of me waiting to be unleashed. No one will ever know just how close I came as he stood in front of me, his body touching mine and his words spoken softly, seductively near my ear. He wanted me to join him, to take over the underground and rule the world with him. And wouldn't joining him, giving into that basic nature, be so much easier?  There would be no one to stop us or tell us what to do..it would've been so easy. I simply battled it out with his alter ego, stomping down any other choices that might have been placed in front of me. There were glimpse of my Wyatt..the Wyatt I had grown to know and love, but as quickly as I glimpsed them, he was gone again. I was getting nowhere fast and I was exhausted, physically and mentally. My fight to try and save him made me feel like a battering ram. And then just like the simple snap of a finger a few days later, Chris managed to bring him back. I should have been relieved, but the truth of it chills me to the bone and now..absolutely nothing. I have heard nothing form him for several days, he says he needs time to think and all I can think of was his promise to me. His promise he would not let me down this time and that was when I felt it, the sensation of screaming in a crowded room and no one can hear me. When I stood to face him earlier tonight, my heart felt like a fist was clamping it firmly, threatening to squeeze it till it exploded and I would feel nothing once again. The horrid feeling in the pit of stomach more than I could almost bear and then his words. Oh, god, or whoever..if I ever have to hear those words uttered by another man again, I will slit his throat clean through! Who says I am sorry as a break up!? Who does that? After everything I gave up for him? I placed everything on the line for him and now he's sorry. What the hell does that even mean? He's sorry he met me, he's sorry for breaking my heart again, he's sorry I am not enough and then I did the most insane thing. I remained calm! I wanted to rip his god damned heart out for the second time in our short history of knowing each other! I vaguely remember asking why, I think I may have even sat on the couch and looked up at him while waiting for some divine answer to make all of this okay. And like that, with the drop of a hat and a whispered "I'm sorry"...he's going back to Chris. I know I kissed his cheek, placed another small kiss at his ear and told him I still loved him and would still be there for him...I am insane..I have gone off the deep end. How does one recover from this. When does the god damned pain end. Why did I walk away without so much as a fight? Why did he turn his back on me?! What did I do that was so wrong?! Why the hell didn't he step up to the plate for me...fight for me..fight for us! WHY!!!! He promises to not let me down and he gives me nothing! I promise nothing and I have given him everything! I am stuck in this place of utter misery, stuck in a world of anger, hurt, and tears I did not know I had to shed. There is no place left to turn to..Shara and I have only now started talking again like old friends..Sky..has moved on with someone named Kyra and I am happy for him, but I can not speak to him. Willa..it would not be fair to pin her with my angry words against her Uncle or my whispered broken words of why. It's no good..I'm no good..only one thing can numb me right now from all this pain. Alcohol and self destruction...what else is there...he has left me broken and used...

Memoirs of Madness~28

I am not sure which is more bruised. My ego, my heart, or my body are pretty much neck and neck right now. But the battle has only just begun. It was as I had feared when I returned to Wyatt's place. At first he stood with his back to me and I could sense the dark power rolling off him in waves. And help me, but the pull on my own dark desires rose unbidden to the fore front of my being. To be careless and free from all of the emotions and turmoil over the eight months or so..and he stood there so dark, so beautiful and still so inviting despite his coldness. In some bizarre way being dark suits Wyatt, the power literally surrounds him like a cloud of electricity. I don't know if I am just that wholly stupid or if I really though I stood a chance. Being a centuries old demon doesn't even begin to compare to a twice blessed whitelighter/witch who has gone dark side. Wyatt is beyond powerful in his normal state, but this..this was as close to a death wish as one can get to. I tried every tactic I could think of, every word imaginable to reach to some inner part of him that might still be reachable, hoping to reach that good part of him buried deep. But this is what he had come to, all of my suspicions confirmed and he takes the cowards way out. I know my words sound harsh and maybe even a bit unfair, but how else can I view it. He has gone dark so he doesn't have to care who he hurts, this way he only sees it, in the long run as hurting himself. Coward! Why can't he just own up to what is going on and quit playing games with me. And I say me and include no one else in this torturous game. It's a win win situation for him, no matter who he chooses, someone is there waiting for him. Why this, why now, why the unbearable torture of prolonging the words I know I will eventually hear..if anyone can pull him back from the brink of this madness. I hate him and I love him at the same time and I realize that somehow he is more confused and possibly more damaged than I am even after my centuries of existence. When my words became too much for him to continue to listen to, the words turned to physical violence. Now, I am not a stranger to having my ass kicked now and again. Bruises, cuts, and broken bones are nothing new to me. It comes with the lifestyle I lead and I do heal fairly well in the bodies I dwell in, but the cut on my lip, the possibly fractured rib, and the bruises cut much deeper than any other fight I have been involved in. Being tossed against the wall a few times and slammed into a coffee table by the man you love is not exactly my idea of a romantic evening. I joke here..I joke and my laughter is carried on the wind away from me, because if I do not joke, I will succumb to those hot stinging tears that make me feel weak. I can not afford weak right now as I battle to bring Wyatt back without losing myself in the process. I can't help but feel that tug that tells me how formidable we would be..how no one would take Wyatt from me again if we dominated the underworld together..but I have fought my dark nature for far too long to give in now. I will nurse my wounds for a few brief hours and then I will track him down again. I swore once to never walk away again and that I wouldn't give up on him. It's a promise I can not take back...

Memoirs of Madness ~27

Even as I shimmer back home to stand outside of Wyatt's place, I recalled that I hadn't heard from Willa either and as close as we had become over a short period of time, this seemed a bit out of place as well. I can remember vividly standing outside the door to the house, hesitant to knock and hesitant enter. Maybe he has already made his choice and that is why I have heard absolutely nothing. My heart races and my breathing quickens as I stand outside. And here only not so long ago I was excited about ringing in the New Year with Wyatt. I know I felt it the moment I pushed open the door and the air about the place was charged differently. I think some part of me wanted to deny to what I sensed, what was very tangible in the air. Now, thinking back I knew exactly what I was walking into. It was the stench of darkness, of one who has crossed over. But I know I tried brushing off, pretending it wasn't so. I already knew Wyatt had gone dark side before and stood every potential to go back there. Once you have been lured..and it only does take one time, it is so easy to succumb for any reason what so ever. I had shut the door behind me and begun a slow search of the house, finding no one, and listening to my heart slowly pull apart. Questioning why he took this choice or trying to find a reason would be futile on my part because the reasons could be hundreds. But I can guess what the reason easy enough. I could always be wrong, but what other obvious reason is there. He is stuck with a decision if all the rumors are true, if what his friends have said to me are true, and he has chosen the easy way out. Being dark, finding the evil that resides within one self is an extremely cathartic way to avoid caring, to avoid making tough choices or to avoid hurting someone. Only those who have dealt with that calling and had to fight it would understand how soothing it can be to give in and let go. And now I completely blame myself for having to leave even though I could not avoid it. I think Wyatt and I are much alike in that way, that we command attention from the one we love and when it's gone, life is hard to bear. Or maybe that is me and I am trying to find a much simpler explanation for me to bear. Because to think I have not given enough of myself, or given up everything for this man, or to think I am unworthy is too much to bear. As I discovered no one home at this time I found myself lingering in the door way of the bedroom, staring at the bed for what seemed an eternity in the quiet stillness of the house. So many good times, but they always seemed shadowed as if we were both holding something back. Me because I am afraid of being hurt again, Wyatt's reasons? Again I can not even hazard a guess. And as I turned to see the Christmas tree dark and empty underneath, I know I sobbed. Still, Wyatt did not come home, even when I called out to him. Still I can not get any one on the phone, and still I sit here wondering about the fate of all of us. I am home now, on the balcony, with Maltease seated at my side, but it gives me no comfort tonight. For now I will hunt and try to boldly find some answers to anyone who might know something about Wyatt and if I find nothing, I will go find my way back to the Underworld and risk getting caught if it means saving Wyatt from damning himself for an eternity, rather he chooses me or I am left on my own again...

Memoirs of Madness~26

Christmas held only one small disappointment for me and I hate to admit that it did. I understand that it is time for giving and it is the thought that counts and I can't fault Wyatt for his gift because I do absolutely adore the chocolate lab. I have named him Maltease after the name that Wyatt sometimes calls me. Something to do with when I decide to color my hair brunette for a change and he informs me I am still blond on the inside. Though, I know what he is implying, it is a very endearing name. Both him and Willa kept dropping small hints about my gift the closer it became to Christmas. I don't know, I was expecting something else. Even now I hesitate what I thought he would give me or possibly ask me. It wasn't even about marriage, that I was thinking, but about a commitment, what humans call a promise ring, to be his other half until we were both ready for the next step. I can admit, here, that it did sting a bit when this didn't happen. Maybe I am not enough or maybe I am still not what his heart truly yearns for. I know I am a lot to handle with my small insecurities, my petty demands for some attention, but really all I want is Wyatt unleashed..in a good way. I cower from speaking of the things that worry or scare me and he still holds back a great deal of himself. I don't need anyone to tell me that. It is very easy for me to see. And my gift, cheese worthy, I suppose. I cringe still when I think of it, but as we are still getting to know each other it was the best I could come up with. I made up a basket with movies, popcorn, some other treats and then myself wrapped..or more unwrapped with nothing more than a simple bow. He seemed genuinely pleased, movies and popcorn being one of our favorite things to do. It did turn out to be a perfectly magical time for lack of better words and I let all my cares and worries fade for that day as we simply stayed wrapped up in each other the entire time. These are my favorite moments, the sex is beyond outstanding, but wrapped in each others arms and kissing for hours and talking about little things is almost pure perfection if pure perfection exists. And then it was yanked out as I was pulled away on an important "job" to help the Winchesters. Lilith, the one demon that most of us love to hate is all about bringing about the end of the human race so Lucifer can reign over all. She's a real charmer, this one and doesn't realize just how wrong it will be for all of us if Lucifer is freed. So when her calling card was left, I had no choice but to go. And maybe it is for the best that I have had to go, though I call Wyatt every night or shimmer to him if possible. And maybe it isn't for the best because the rumors have begun to circulate. I only get small pieces here and there from mutual friends of mine and Wyatt's, but all of it despairs me because I am stuck, there is nothing I can do but watch helplessly and beg the powers to be to not take him from me. Part of me wants to just walk away with all the crap I keep receiving from Wyatt's friends..how Chris and Wyatt belong together and I am nothing more than a mere distraction. All these words, like this remind me of just how cruel people can be. The same ones who were happy for Wyatt are now the same ones hoping for us to stumble and fall. I do not understand. Life takes away from each other once in a while and I do not know what I have done to cause Wyatt to suddenly be spending so much time with Chris while I am away. And the most devastating news was the phone call I just received..that they were seen kissing as well...There is one person I could ask and she would know the answers to these questions, these fears, but I know I could not put Willa in that position. I am sure she has seen it in my eyes over the past amount of time before I left. I secretly keep hoping she will drop me hints, but true to who she is she has not given up anything. I applaud her for that, for her convictions. Now, I am sick with regret for who I am and the job I sometimes must do. I hate that I am not enough for him, but I won't give up on him. I simply can't because my heart will not allow it. I have not heard from him in several days, nor can I reach him. I am no good hunting Lilith right now, so tomorrow I return home and find him and together we will decide rather I am worthy of standing by his side any longer or if I shall be cast aside once more..

Memoirs of Madness~25

Willa Grace Halliwell Winchester.
The name is a mouthful and the girl is a handful and she scarily reminds me of myself. There must be some unspoken rule that if you are a Halliwell then when you make an entrance, it must be grand.  She has come into my life like a whirlwind and probably just at the right time. I could use some more girlie time, even if she is younger than me. At first her presence threw me off because I had no clue who she was, other than the daughter of Sam and Melinda, Wyatt's sister and brother-in-law. Strangely enough, they don't have a daughter just yet. I am shaking my head as I try to wrap my mind around all things magical and Halliwell. I am now learning not only do bizarre things happen with screwed up potions, but apparently this family travels back and forth through time. Willa is obviously from the future. Only a couple of weeks in her presence and I already love the kid to death. I have to come learn over the past couple of weeks how it is I have come to share a bond with her so easily. I am her god mother, someone who watched over her often and spent apparently many days watching things like Scooby Doo cartoons. I do have quite a fondness for Scooby Doo, though I would not ever tell anyone that. It would quite kill any reputation I have for being bad ass. Me, a godmother and avid cartoon watcher. Who would have thought such a thing was possible. She is here for a reason, but it is something she holds quite tight within her for fear of doing future damage. There are so many things I want to ask her and I am not allowed. It is like torture for me to know the answers to my future are at my fingertips, but I can not have them. She is much stronger than I am because I would be unable to keep my mouth shut if in her position. But I adore her as I have never adored anyone, other than Wyatt, but my adoration for him is different. I can see Willa and I fast becoming friends, but I fear getting too close because there will come a time when she will need to go back to her time and that will truly leave a hole in my heart. I don't know how I became this new creature, one who finds comfort in boyfriends, friends, and people she can call family. I laugh to myself with I think of Willa's eagerness to hang out together and tease me with hints of things that she knows, especially my Christmas present from Wyatt. She fills my time and my heart with fun and hyperness, helping to keep my thoughts and the darkness from threatening me. I am sure there will be so much more to write about my goddaughter as time goes on, I only hope that whatever she came here to fix she is able to accomplish. And then maybe there is some divine law that will allow her to stay here. As selfish as it sounds...I would like to keep her here..

Memoirs of Madness~24

It has been a while since I have stole myself away to a  quiet area to gather my thoughts upon these pages again. I have kept myself busy with being with Wyatt and surrounding myself with him, letting go of all my worries and fears. And for the most part it has been good. But I can not shake that damned darkness that hovers like a wet blanket. Every night when it is quiet and I watch him sleep and listen to his even breaths as he dreams, it is there, hovering and threatening. But when we he is awake and playful or even when he is serious and we are lying awake talking, he makes everything seem all right. This man who is a ball of confusion to me can be the biggest teddy bear, say the most romantic things, make love passionately, and anger so easily. It bothers me to a small degree that I can not be so open with him about how I am feeling. And today was one of those days. You would think with my powers to basically mess with anyone I wanted to that I would be a very self confident person, that I would never lower my eyes and feel undeserving, but I do and it showed today as we were out. Everything has been about Christmas lately and the idea of celebrating the holiday with Wyatt has almost over whelmed me with excitement. I think mostly it is about the idea of family for me. And a lot of my thoughts have been what to get Wyatt for Christmas. It's that age old question of what do you get someone who has everything. And he is so no helpful at giving me any ideas, not even a single hint. All I ever manage to get out of him is that he simply wants me and he couldn't ask for more. He is such a sweet talker. As we were out today, shopping for decorations and a tree, I realized just how much his charm and charisma draws the attention of other women. Too much for my comfort and these women range from girls one would deem as average looking right down to excruciatingly beautiful. They would literally pretend to NOT be following us around the different stores just to watch him. I know I have probably already mentioned, if not spoken somewhat of my jealous side and it reared its ugly head today, but so much attention on him made me wonder why me when he could have his pick of any other woman to love and cherish. Amazingly he picked right up on my lowered eyes and the fact that I tried to walk behind him and not beside him. Am I really that transparent or does he just know me so well. When he drew me into his arms and kissed me as if we were the only two in the world, I couldn't help but smile. It really doesn't matter why because it is him and I and it is the rest who should be jealous. The rest of the day went beautifully, finishing up decorations, purchasing the tree, and walking together hand in hand. Then I had to go and ruin it. I blame myself completely. I don't even know how it started or which one of us even mentioned anything to bring up Chris, but there it was...the white elephant sitting in the middle of the room. Does he not see how I cower when he gets angry, or see how I never really say what I am feeling when it comes to this matter. Does he not understand the lowering of my eyes, the way I instantly back down to avoid any more fighting. Me..who never backs down from anything. A demon afraid of the mere mention of a man's name and the anger it instills in the man she loves. He embraces me at the end of this one sided argument that he has won because I am to afraid to fight him on how I feel and soothes me with words that I shouldn't worry so much. For him the day continues on as it did earlier. For me...the darkness hanging over us spreads...

Memoirs of Madness-~23

It was bound to happen, right? I mean you can't avoid the inevitable. Well, one can try and hope for the best, but sooner or later if it's going to happen...it will chase you down. I know this sounds cryptic and I don't mean it to be. I am just trying to not let myself get too worked up over the whole thing. I suppose if I was in Chris' shoes I would do the same..or would I? I simply don't know. Not at this point of things anyhow. I had a run in with Chris today and as I said I knew it was inevitable. Bound to happen and I guess sooner than later is better? Maybe had it been later I would have been better prepared, maybe if I felt a touch more secure in my relationship with Wyatt, I could have defended myself much better. But I will get to that in a moment. First things first. Chris. Never before has a man made me feel more insecure about who/what I am or the things I am doing in my life. He doesn't even have to say anything, just gives me if looks could kill kind of glare. And as easily as I can hide my insecurities to the world, he relishes in ripping them wide open. I am not sure what he aimed to accomplish with his little story of Wyatt going rogue, going evil and causing ever lasting damage to a girl physically and emotionally. I shudder at the story because it is a truly heart wrenching thing, but something Wyatt has already discussed with me. There is no need to go into a sordid tale of which I do not have every single detail. Why would I? I am not fond of all the things I have done to this point in my life. It is why I spend so much time doing what good I can, seeking some kind of forgiveness for all the history of my horrible mistakes. I would not pass judgement on anyone who has given into their darker side. I only seek to destroy those who would continue to do so, those I know who are beyond saving. I say I do not understand what Chris was aiming for, but I understand his intentions. To throw me off, make me back up, to try and make me believe Wyatt is so horrible that I would walk away from him. It's playing dirty, but I get it. I am merely surprised that Chris is only using words to hurt when he is so much more powerful than I am. I know he hates me, but I do not hate him. He's been hurt, who can blame him, but oh how I have to bite my tongue and remain "proper". Because in some simple truth, Wyatt scares the hell out of me. The hold he has on me, how I am so willing to do anything, even take mean and spiteful words form Chris. Together Chris and Wyatt have the one thing Wyatt and I do not...a long history..and you simply just don't stop loving someone after that amount of time. I hate this feeling like I am constantly walking on eggshells to avoid a fight with Wyatt or a disagreement, for fear any word or words could be my last to him. So I hide my simple fears behind the happiness of being with him. And there is happiness, possibly more than I deserve, but I love being with him. I am just not sure how healthy it is for me to be unable to talk to him about anything...to have to simply act as if Chris and I never spoke. I am not even sure Wyatt can sense part of me holding back. Maybe he is oblivious to it. It's a small knot of fear placed directly in the middle of my stomach and I am working hard on stamping it down. Chris..he is the only one with the power to totally be my undoing..to take Wyatt away from me again. If that were to happen..may hell drag me back down to her chaotic depths...

Memoirs of Madness~22

Each passing day grows a bit easier and I feel the guilt lessen, but never does it completely go away. I don't think it does when you've hurt someone the way I hurt Sky only a few nights ago. I wonder if Wyatt feels the same about Chris because I know he was hurt as well. I wish I had the words to describe just how all of this feels so right but somehow it feels a bit wrong as well. As if we have stepped on people to have this time together. But we are happy, waking up together when we can, eating, going for walks, making love, lying together and talking all night long wrapped in each other's arms, and all without having to hide any of it. I couldn't ask for much more than this. Though, Wyatt still seems reserved, like he is still unsure of all of this and I am not sure if that is my fault or something he may be dealing with internally. He still holds back. It hurts my heart to know he is still unable to truly let go, but he does seem to be getting a bit better at it. I am happy and I am sad or maybe I am possibly waiting for the other shoe to drop. I am trying desperately not to, but that dark cloud still hangs over us. I could find many reasons for it being there, I only wish I could pin point what it was so we could tackle it together. Dare I say that I am afraid that Wyatt's promise will not hold. Every moment we spend together is amazing and I wouldn't trade it for anything because this was the chance I had to take. I didn't want to live with what ifs and wonder for the rest of my life if Wyatt was the one that got away. So, yes, a tinge of fear colors my every day. Wyatt seems fully committed to me, but then again...he doesn't and if we are to continue on together what about family gatherings. Chris is hurt and Chris can hate. I know this first hand. I have heard of stories of another woman who confessed her love to Wyatt and the damage done to her and makes me heart beat just a bit harder to think Chris may very well come for me. And then what shall I do? Do I defend myself against him, protecting myself and risk the wrath of Wyatt should any harm come to Chris or do I let Chris do his worse and pray..yes, I said pray..that I live through it.  Chris..the one subject we can't seem to discuss without any kind of argument. The one thing...the one person I can see undoing all of this. But, I suppose if that is the way it will be, then I was never truly the one for Wyatt anyhow and that thought makes me feel dark and angry. It causes my eyes to burn with unshed tears. Maybe this is all guilt talking and maybe it is the inner instinct keeping me on my toes. I can not tell which it is. For now, I choose to move ahead and try to leave those things alone for now, until we have more time to explore each other and all that we mean to each other. Despite the uncertainty I seem to feel about our future together, the uncertainty that this man will inevitably break my heart again, I am excited. Christmas is coming soon and I am giddy like a child on Christmas morning to celebrate. The thought causes me to smile as I let my mind fill with thoughts of gifts to get and how we will decorate. Me, Ruby, a demon living the life I never was allowed. In love and being loved and celebrating holidays..life is scary...life is amazing...

Memoirs of Madness~21

He sleeps soundly in the other room, his room as I still sort out what's left of the damage I have caused. I still feel torn, but less torn that I have made my choice and even now I do not know if it is or will be the correct choice. It has been not quite twenty four hours since Sky proposed, even less time since Wyatt turned everything crazy again. I know, should anyone ever read these words or try to fathom how I feel, they will never understand the depths of how much I hated myself only a few hours ago. There are no words to describe how I feel in this whole situation. Yes, either way you look at it, I had someone waiting for me. But either way I looked at it, I was going to hurt someone and was not something i relish. I could never make anyone understand that I am truly in love with both men, that neither relationship or lack there of is a joke to me. This is very real and very painful. And no matter the outcome, I had to tell the truth to everyone involved. I had started with Wyatt late last night and tonight I had to finish it with Sky. I stood before him outside of the apartment, his apartment, and had to fight with the right words. Yes, I had accepted his proposal and yes I did..I do love him, but I couldn't accept the ring. Sky does not have all of my heart and in all honesty he never did. And to this day, I swear, no matter what happens between Wyatt and I. I don't think I ever will be able to give my full heart to someone. The torment on his face, the look of betrayal was more than I could bear. Because he had done nothing but love me fully and a small part of me, hell a big part of me had cheated him out of what he truly deserves. He deserves better than me. I am sure there will never be any forgiveness in his heart and my selfish self can't bear to not have him in my life either..not as I would have Wyatt, but none the less. The damage is done and I have caused it. Again i have forsaken all else to be in the arms of the one who commands my attention at all times in some small and large part. As ugly as the truth is..it also is beautiful in its purest form. I love the man who sleeps peacefully in the other room. I love him with a passion so deeply that it scares me. I think it scares him as well, only I am not sure if its my love that scares him or his own for me. Maybe, it is a combination of both. But I could not live with myself if I didn't try. If I didn't give everything I had to all of this. No more hiding how I feel, trying to keep myself in secret, and I can love him fully and completely for all the world to see. I am so sorry, Sky..sorry that I hurt you so deeply, sorry that I betrayed you. My only wish is that you find someone who will give you what I couldn't. My heart is heavy for Sky, but it rejoices at the sight of the man sleeping within my gaze. I have heard you never get over your first love and I believe that is what Wyatt is for me. So many centuries alone and now he has found me and I am. I believe this is truly meant to be. So I will try and shrug off this black shadow that is hanging over Wyatt and I and do everything in my power to do right by him and to some day make amends for the hurt I have caused to both Sky and Shara. There is nothing else I can do tonight, my heart is both heavy and light and I am exhausted from all of the emotion of the past couple of days. I shall go join him now in his slumber and wrap my body around his to remind myself just how very real this moment truly is...

Memoirs of Madness~20

I did the only thing that was right. 
Wyatt had spent more than his fair share of letting me into his inner most thoughts the past few days, before Sky's proposal. I owed him at least the truth if nothing else and that's why I went to see him tonight. I am sure Sky is wondering why I made excuses to spend some time alone or he already suspects something has happened that I needed some space. This is madness, my life is madness, what I have let myself become, and what a tangled web I have centered myself in. I doubt anyone will care what my thoughts or opinions were after this is all said and done. I will be the bitch, the whore..the demon who is true to her nature. Because no matter what I decide, someone is going to be hurt. Somehow, I can't see anyone ever caring how I feel. 
Telling Wyatt was nothing short of like having my heart ripped out again, the look on his face, the accusations he threw at me. How can he accuse me of lying to him about not leaving him or thinking I did this to get revenge, the chance to break his heart. Oh, how some sadistic part of me enjoyed shoving it in his face. And then he threatens to leave. He's calling it quits with Chris, but he is leaving for good afterwards because he can't stand to see me with Sky. The nerve! How does he think I felt when he went back to Chris and had to suffer through that pain! I did not choose to marry Sky out of some sort of sick revenge. I love Sky! Tell me where the harm is in marrying someone you love, who loves you back and can promise you as close to perfect as it gets on this damned planet! No, I want to marry Sky for all the right reasons instead of all the wrong as I did with Dean. It is now, when the real threat to what he wants or think he wants is about to be taken away that Wyatt says all the things he should have said so much sooner. And so I told him...I told him I couldn't live life according to his timing, I couldn't wait to hear all the words that may have changed everything we have already gone through, I can't make his heart decide, and I can't force him to make three simple words come from his lips. Though this last part I did not say or admit to him. I would never want someone to be coerced into displaying verbally rather they love me or not. Love is not done that way. Either you love someone or you don't and if you do then the words should come easily. 
And then he said it..I told him it wasn't that I didn't want him to fight for me..I wanted him to want to be that man, the one who wouldn't give up on me. Because he has to want to be that person for me and not because that's who I want him to be. And then he said it...those three little words that made me stop everything I was doing, including breathing. I couldn't move, I couldn't speak, breath, and I sure as hell for several moments couldn't form a single coherent thought. And I have never heard him say anything of love about anyone until that exact moment..when time stood still for what seemed an eternity and he was saying them to me. There was so much behind those words. And as he stood there telling me he had made his decision, he told me he would give me time to make my own decisions now. His last words to me tonight were that if I came to him, if I chose him..he wouldn't let me down. This was his promise to me.
I am torn as I have never been torn before. How do I even come to love two men so completely? How do I decide right from wrong? Or do I already know what is right, but I am hesitant to choose this course? Which part of my heart do I follow? I do know as I sit on this deserted part of the beach I will find no rest tonight. No rest for the wicked and their lonely thoughts. No matter what I do someone will be hurt and that will be on my head...how can I live with myself for doing that? The easier choice would be to leave now and never come back. I would hurt them both this way, but in time I would become a forgotten memory. But I am coward..the heart wants what the heart wants. I just hope someone has the forgiveness in their hearts that I won't have for myself when this is all over with..

Memoirs Of Madness~19

Life does not always turn out the way we plan it. Hell, it never turns out the way we intend or plan it to. Why freaking play nice with those words. Someone once told me, someone with an amazing amount of troubles in her own life, "never write your life in pen, always write it in pencil for it is ever changing." Little does she know no truer or wiser words have been spoken. I guess Wyatt is now in the middle of this life lesson which I am sure he has already been taught many times over. All of us constantly learn this lesson over and over again. It seems things between him and Chris are not going as smoothly as he would have liked. It is not my place to judge or question someone's motives, but it seems to me Chris is the kind of person who takes his partner for granted. Once he believes Wyatt is firmly his again, he tends to go about life and not tend to Wyatt's needs. Now, I am the last person to ask any relationship advise from, for obvious reasons. But why tempt fate if you truly love someone? It seems crazy. And when Wyatt became so bold as to ask me to leave Sky, not that he's not bold any other time in his life, I hesitated. Oh, may the gods, the fates, or whomever help me. I hesitated and almost said yes! What is wrong with me? I am in love with Sky! It's real! It's sweet with no strings attached and I don't have to hide our relationship! It's as perfect as a relationship could get, simple, uncomplicated...and I hesitated and almost threw it away on a man who surely gets his way all the time. I told him no, that I would not leave Sky for him,  and in a manner such as I am sure he did not see the doubt or the hesitation flicker on my face. Oh but the look on his face wounded me. I don't want to be a plaything or a distraction for someone when everything else in his life seems unstable. I think I only add to the instability he lives in. I didn't do it to wound him or get my revenge, because I would still give everything to him. I said no to protect myself and to stay in a healthy relationship where everything feels right and I am never unsure of myself or out of control. This all unfolds into what has happened this evening. It is the predawn hours of the morning and I have slipped quietly from Sky's bed to find a quiet corner to write. How could I ask for anything more than what I have been given tonight as Sky led me on a walk that ended in a place settled with flowers and lit candles. Standing in the middle of those flowers this man I have come to truly love and treasure in the purest sense poured his heart out to me as he got down on bended knee. The gem from the engagement ring even now catches my eye as it is reflected in the soft waning light of the moon coming in through the open window. I have to pause every so often from writing to admire it again, a smile constantly on my lips. And it is right..for Sky and for me..who could ask for more? Yet my heart is heavy somehow. I am torn between telling Wyatt and leaving it be because I am unsure of his reaction, though I shouldn't be. Do I truly owe him an explanation? He went back to Chris without a second thought. He moved on from me and I from him or so we both thought. I should be cuddled in my fiance's arms, enjoying this moment and here I am playing tug of war with my heart yet again. How can I marry one man that I love and yet look another man in the eye, whom I love just as much..if not more..and tell him there will never be an us now. How the hell do I break the news to Wyatt...or do I simply say good bye to him without another word...

Memoirs of Madness~18

I believe it is almost six months now that I have been with Sky and he is planning something, though I am not sure what it could be. He has grown a bit..secretive, but not in a way that worries me so much. I still maintain my own place, but have found myself more and more at Sky's with him. Shara has moved in with me to help her gain her own sense of being on her own and not so much under her brothers thumb. I am not sure this will help with her "demons", although we have begun a slow process of this. I don't claim to be a psychologist or psychiatrist, I am not sure Shara would ever bother with either of those types of doctors, so if I am all she has to talk to for the time being..I will strive to do my best by her. I come to find it so surprising how easily people accept what I am. It boils down to two types of people these days, those who are accepting and those who would run screaming from me. Not that I would blame them, there are plenty of days I would run screaming from myself as well. I remember saying I would never lie to myself in these pages and so I shall not. f I could not be honest with myself here, then I would certainly never be at any kind of peace and I long for this more than anyone could ever know. I was doing really well, in face exceptionally well at tucking Wyatt away until earlier this evening when we happened across each other. Oh, the betrayal of my mind and body, my heart..I would include my soul as well in that line up if I had it intact. My face remained emotionless other than the smile that admitted it was nice to see him, but the same old feelings reared their ugly head. I had to keep him at arms length. I couldn't even afford a hug for fear I would linger to close to him and then become completely undone. Upon sight of him, my heart quickened, there was the pleasant tightening in the pit of my stomach as desire blossomed, I know I licked my lips because my mouth was suddenly dry. Me..who always knows what to say even if it's the wrong thing remained speechless other than a few sentences and phrases. He looks good, but not happy. He still has that haunted look about him that maybe only I can somehow manage to see. By all things unholy how I wanted to wrap my arms around him. The moments lasted too short of a time. The moment he was gone from my sight, I felt the empty hollow ache I thought I had been rid of. All the things I hear about first loves I am beginning to understand the truths behind them. You never really truly get over them. Nearly six months with little to no word with him and I come unhinged and needy the moment he is within touching distance. I would weep at my own stupidity if I didn't deem it such a weak thing for em to do. He doesn't want me like I want him and in Sky I have found what I need. Patience, kindness, love, and someone who will never hurt me. Yes, Sky is what I need..but I question..is he what I want?

Memoirs of Madness~17

The view right now is breath taking. There is no other way to describe the sun coming over the horizon to signal the start of another day. The sky is colored in shades of oranges and reds like it is being lit on fire. I could blame the coffee I have been drinking non stop for my nearly sleepless night, but I know that is not the truth of it. It was the dream that woke me and the remnants of it that brought me out here to watch the night become glorious day. It is the first time I can recall dreaming in forever. Maybe I have before this night and simply can not recall it. But never have I had anything so vivid pop from my imagination or subconscious. Or wherever it is that dreams come from. But I will come back to that later. Because maybe it's a combination of my now muddled thoughts. The ones I have been trying to leave behind and for the most part I have been successful. I can say without a single doubt that I love Sky. I am as sure of this as I am of my demonic nature. We continue to grow closer, to open up more to each other, and my thoughts of Wyatt have diminished into a small corner of my mind, tucked neatly away in a tidy little pile. Or so I thought. Again, it is in my alone moments when the most random things will hit me and yesterday as I explored more of San Francisco on my own, these thoughts were like bullets shot straight to my heart. It was the oddest thing for me, to try and deal with the random moments I thought I had left behind me. The ones that I would so willingly assume mean nothing to him. Memories it was time to let go of and move on with  my life with Sky. Memories like the time he was sick and I laid with him the night through on the couch, keeping a close eye on him. Of making breakfast in the nude for him. The time spent in the park speaking of all things love as I tried to figure out my emotions, grinning in triumph as he slid down a slide with me. The first night I ever spent the night, sleeping in his arms and watching it result in a cold shower the next morning as he teased me and then left me hanging. All the late night talks after our nights of passion, simply to prolong our time together. All of these thoughts leading up to the intense, very vivid, very erotic dream. I am glad I was alone because I am unsure if I speak in my sleep and would have a lot of explaining to do as I am sure Wyatt's name would have left my lips more than once. And once again I am led down that path that colors me more wicked than that of any demon. I have to stop this madness! Sky deserves to have all of me, not just a shell of what I could give him, but he drives me mad with always remaining calm in all things. I hate comparing him to Wyatt, but in my mind I am uncontrollable in this! Sky, whom I can't evoke much emotion from, not even a heated argument, loves me more unconditionally than I deserve! Wyatt who will allow every emotion but that of being carefree..drives to the very core of me..but has never uttered one word of love. And as I dive deeper into my memories of him, I don't recall him ever using that word..not even when speaking of Chris. Committed, complicated were the words he used. It is time to put away these games I play with myself. Things with Sky have grown very serious now and it is time too let the what ifs and memories be. I had Wyatt for a time and my time has come and gone. I as not what he wanted and needed..Sky is good for me, good for taming that restless part of me, for making me feel deserving of the affections he bestows upon me. For quenching the fire that always seems to rage in me. I have only one thing to fear from things being so...uncomplicated for the first time in my life..is this what I want?...will I be satisfied with a life of mediocre passion?...Am I ready to settle for the flame of a candle that will never burn me instead of the raging fire that threatens to always consume me when it is near?...

Memoirs of Madness~16

I have found the perfect place.
A place where my jumbled thoughts are settled a bit more and I can think clearly or not think at all if I choose to do so. It has been maybe about two weeks since I have last written anything in these pages. I sit now on the balcony of my home, a cup of coffee beside me, my feet propped up on the lounge chair, my notebook and pen here on my lap, and the ocean breeze blows gently around me. If one could ever find peace on earth, it is located here. And in this moment I know that I will never settle for living in anyplace that does not have the ocean in it's back yard. I have been busy decorating my home, spending obscene amounts of time with Sky and even Shara and I have become close. We are more like sisters than friends, at least this is the way i view our friendship/relationship. Where as Sky is so very giving and sweet, Shara is stubborn and almost refuses to ever listen to me. Or maybe she listens to me, but refuses to admit I am ever right anything. It is hard to get someone to understand that centuries of hard living and existing have taught me a thing or two. Now that I am settled in spirit I have only my heart to settle as well. It is true, I do love Sky, but I also love another. I wonder how many women or even men have been torn by this notion, loving two people at the same time, but I suppose my heart should settle easily. Because Wyatt has made it easy, it seems he has forgotten about me these days or maybe simply has no need for me. Other than the off chance of seeing each other and exchanging small words that really mean nothing, it would appear he has no need for me any longer. So, I should be focused solely on Sky. I am mostly focused on him and working on the most normal relationship I have ever known. Other than the occasional fighting of demons with Shara, things are pretty normal. Again, it is in moments like this when I do have time to myself that I let my mind wander to Wyatt. I wonder how he is doing, if he has truly found the happiness he deserves and that Chris is giving him all the attention he deserves. I still occasionally drive by his place, hoping for a glance into his true self, but I have thus far failed at it. I know when he is face to face with me he is still guarded, he still hides from me. In the rare moments we see each other it is hard to not reach out a hand and touch his cheek, gaze deeply into his eyes, to want to draw nearer to him with my eyes closed as I wait for the sweet sensation of his breath upon my lips..but I torture myself with such thoughts of things passed and gone. Any future I have is with Sky who has shown me every ounce of kindness, who wears his heart upon his sleeve, who would move heaven and earth for me, and would do anything I asked of him. How? How can I be in love with a person who would hang the sun and moon for me, but remains so very reserved as if passion is not something he ever gives into? And the other man is reserved in his emotions but unleashes such unbridled passion as if I were his sun and moon, but puts me away from him every time we draw near? Two completely different man that make me feel two completely different things and yet I would still give everything to the one who would break my heart over and over again if I would allow it. I know demons are an unruly bunch and we live for chaos and torture..but this..this is something I would never wish on my worse enemy...

Memoirs of Madness~15

Contentment.
Maybe that is the closest I can come to the feeling I have lately. Life has settled into a bit of normalcy. At least what humans would call normal, more like what I call an amazing calm. But any calm that should present itself in my time of being usually leads to one hell of a storm. I have settled into a life with my shape shifter, Sky. This was one of the many things he kept to himself until he learned to trust me enough to open up to me. His story alone of hurt, physical and emotional is enough to bring me to tears. His resolve is so much stronger than mine. If people had treated me as he had been treated in his childhood, I would have made it my mission to destroy each and every one of them. For someone who has been through so much, his heart has the amazing capacity to love and embrace so much, of course with a touch of reserve. No one receives that much hurt without trust issues becoming a part of who you are. I have also met Shara, Sky's twin sister, whom has her own intense set of issues. She reminds me very much of myself, looking for trouble or trouble always finding her. She fights her "demons" with starving herself. I saw that the moment I actually started to get to know her. Though, I have this undeniably kinship towards, like that of a protective big sister over her younger sibling. She fights me too, trying to deny me any entrance into her heart or life. But I don't like the road she seems to be on of self destruction. A road I have traveled far too often, choosing to drink myself into an oblivion or engage in battles I would most likely lose. Somehow, I manage to come back from the brink of every time. Maybe, I have a greater purpose. If that is the case why can I not feel it, why do I still walk past a mirror without so much as a glance at myself. Sky is far more intuitive than I could ever give him credit for because he notices such subtle things about me. When I grow quiet he knows something is wrong, for talking is something I manage quite well. Truth be told I don't know how to shut up too often. He notices the blatant way I disregard my own reflection. I think the fact he takes time to notice these things is what endears me to him and yes, even possibly love him. I am still unsure of this most of all. As it was with Wyatt, it was like a ton of bricks dropped themselves upon me to announce the arrival of such emotions, but with Sky everything is much more subtle, things come slowly but surely. As with the way he makes love, deliberate and intentional, as if if every single moment is to be cherished and savored.  I am an awful, horrible being. I know this from the depths of my heart for as the Owens endear themselves to me and I feel like I have a "family" for the first time in an extremely long time, my thoughts still drift to one person. I find myself always thinking of him, his memories constantly creeping in when they shouldn't. And as the days grow longer and further between since we have spoken or even seen each other, I know one thing for sure. I will never get over him getting over me...some piece of me will always remain broken because of that...

Memoirs of Madness~14

I made a huge decision today.
At least one that is significant for me. I have found a place to call home. It's a nice size place in a brick building that is oddly deceiving on the outside. I guess that is why it appeals to me, the idea that looks can be so misconstrued. How often we judge a book by its cover without understanding it's full potential. It looks like a two story building, but only houses a two bedroom loft type apartment upstairs with one other enormous room located across from it. The extra room could easily be turned into a spacious second apartment, but I will leave it for now until I am settled in. Whomever the previous owner was had used the second area as a photography studio of some sorts. Even the actual apartment itself adds another flair of mystery as it leads to what appears a third floor where there is the master bedroom and and bathroom, but that is all that is contained there. The best part of the place is that the living room opens up onto a balcony facing the ocean. The beach front is settled across the street from the building. Tonight is my first night here and I do not have much in the way of furniture, yet. But such creature comforts are not in such a high demand for someone like me. For now, I am satisfied with sitting in lounge chair with a cup of coffee, my pen and notebook in hand, and the ocean blowing it's cool breeze in my direction. So many things strike me as strange about this whole situation as I take some time to reflect. Yes, I know what I am and yes, I understand how this is not what humans think of when they dream of or picture demons roaming the earth. I seek to devour no one, unlike the one who created me when I sold my soul to him. I only seek to devour those of my kind who only do what they have been trained and taught to do. A traitor to my own kind, living a life among humans, witches, and others. I have come to realize I am not the only creature seeking something better than what I have been trained to do. Yes, I am satisfied for now, but happiness is still out of my reach. And it sits like something upon a shelf so very high up that no ladder can reach it, but yet you can see it. Like a piece of candy promised to a child if they behave. Yet the child can not seem to behave in exactly the perfect manner instructed to him or her. And yes, this is home, this city of San Francisco and this building I shall make my own. It was no surprise the Realtor was suspicious of me when I offered cash to buy the building out right. I was not interested in renting the place because then it would not be my own. A little extra cash went a long ways to quell her suspicions. Seems even the most noble can be bought with the right price. Just like selling your soul to the devil. I am not sure what made me ultimately decide that I would be staying. I am sure I can recite many reasons or maybe even lie to myself about the true reasons. The heart wants what the heart wants and if it can't have it, it will settle for being close to it. That is what I tell myself for at this point in time. But that is only part of it, I know I stay for Sky as well. He is the perfect gentleman in every way, the kind of guy, most women would sell their souls to have. He would make the perfect boyfriend and some day make some woman proud to call him husband. I am growing ever so slowly fond of him in more ways than one, but my heart still belongs to another. Though, it still lies with Wyatt...as I grow closer to Sky..it feels as if Wyatt slips further away. Our time between seeing each other or even talking grows further and further apart. And I try to put it out of my head...I try to move forward with some kind of life..but his face, his scent, and his voice haunts almost every moment of my life. A haunting I would never dare share with the rest of the world...

Memoirs of Madness~13

Sky Owens.
The walk I had gone on a few nights ago led me to this man. Either the walk or the fates, I suppose. I am not so sure what I believe any longer when it comes to a higher power. Lucifer would love to believe he's in charge of the show, but that's a comedy or tragedy in the making. And God, where has he gone as he people continue to suffer at the hands of all the evil that has been unleashed upon this forsaken planet. Even the angels are in turmoil and their is descension among their ranks. Not that you would ever catch me close to an angel, no thanks, I prefer to keep my eyesight intact, thank you very much. Sky, in his own right, is very much an intriguing person himself. I sense a sadness about him, but he hides it beneath a tough exterior. A wall he has constructed around himself. I should know, I have spent a lifetime of constructing my own walls. And there is something different about him as well, a secret he hides that I have yet to break. I claim to have been a loner for so long, but my words on these pages seem to belie all that because I find myself more and more in the company of people, enjoying reading them and knowing their stories. But, Sky is tough to crack, he doesn't give much or say a whole lot of anything. It's sort of like telling a brick wall to move..nothing happens. Slowly but surely over the next couple of days he seemed to open up a bit, but enough for me to truly get to know him. Again I question the sanity of the person placing females as the harder sex to get to understand. I, however, did stay the night as the only place I had to go was back to the motel and I think the weariness was beginning to show not only on my face, but it had taken over my whole body. My walk had turned into our walk and we wound up on the beach, realizing that possible we had some things in common. The beach being one of them when we needed to clear our minds. We didn't talk much, both of us keeping a bit reserved towards each other. But I did learn he is a photographer and I know I would love to see some of his things. Sky seems to be very in touch with things of the soul, someone who feels extremely deep and wounds just as deeply if someone were to hurt him. As I truly believe this is part of whatever secret he is hiding. That he has been hurt deeply. He is not one to trust so easily though there is a kindness and gentleness about him that I have ever seen unmatched by most others I have met. As I prepare to curl up on his couch for another evening, I feel a strange tension between us, like a charge in the air and I am unsure what it means. He wanted me to take his bed or even his sister's bed, but as a guest in his house, the couch is perfect. I have slept in worse places.  So I will settle down for another sleepless night, I am sure and check my phone once more from a call I am sure won't come. I haven't heard a word from Wyatt in several days...I wonder does he think of me as I often think of him...