Memoirs Of Madness~63

History repeats itself. And in my case it repeats itself over and over and over again. I have watched the truth in these words over the centuries of my existence. Fashions come back around, fads fade away and find themselves popular again after so long, murderers still murder, hate still runs rampant, and wars are still fought because humans never learn from their mistakes. It seems I never learn either. Of course to everyone who knows me or even when we are out in public together we put on one grand show, Sam and I as if all is well. And even when I fail at being the consummate actress, no one pays attention anyhow. Not that I need them to. Not that I need anyone else to point out what I failure I seem to be. I sit in Matthew's room now, watching him sleep as I write these words, he is the only comfort in my life, the only thing I have not done wrong. And yet I worry that somehow I will damage him as well. It's been four months since Sam's proposal of marriage and since then things have slowly gone down hill. The story is the same. Duty calls, there are other things more important, and I am not one of them. What is it about me that drives them all the way? What is it about me that I drove away the person who would have stayed no matter what? I search for the answers to these questions and so much more since Willa's birthday party. I couldn't do it. I can't pretend anymore that I feel that giving up is the only real answer here. I am unlovable. I am a trophy to be won and then put upon the shelf. I will only ever be the other woman, the mistress, the whore in most men's life if I allow them in. But no more will I allow it. The next time Sam walks out the door will be his last. He will no longer be welcomed in this home. It is either myself or his honor bound duty. I know already which will win and so I sit with my anger and my hurt and the tired that now surrounds me. I only continue on for Matthew, but will no longer continue on for the love of any man. The one who would have stood by my side deserves much better than I could ever give him. And I know that there is a part of me that will always belong to Matthew's father and so I know now that I can never really commit myself completely to another no matter how hard I try. So this will be it, my swan song, my last attempt at making this work..though I have already resigned myself to its failure. Sam left along time ago and I do not know why he even bothers or pretends to care. A year of lies..a year of teaching me that in the end I am not worthy of such things. I can only hope to do better by Matthew, that I don't shove him away as well..that the son who went back to the future has a change of heart about his mother. Most days, I wish I had never sold my soul so long ago that I would have simply accepted death instead, but to see Matthew in his innocence sleeping before me makes me regret such thoughts. He is here for a reason and deserves every chance at the best life I can give him. I, do not deserve anything. That is clear now and I must pull myself up and move forward. No one notices the turmoil I am in right now and maybe no one will. Maybe Sam will fade away and no will take any notice and not judge at how pathetic a creature I am that I drive every one away from me..maybe Matthew belongs with his father and I can simply fade away as well. Maybe this what is best..maybe..maybe not..

Memoirs of Madness~62

Christmas Eve turned out to be quite a long day. Matthew stayed with Sam while I finished up some last minute shopping and took a bit of time to myself. I have come to learn that sometimes I do need my own time to myself, to think, to relax, and to unwind. There was a time when shopping was the last thing on my mind, but I have to come to find it somewhat therapeutic. Possibly, I am settling into the role of being a human female better than I would have thought I could. I finally drug myself home late that night with everything wrapped and tucked neatly in the bags. I set the bags down and closed the door behind me, smiling at Sam lounging in an over stuffed rocker with Matthew asleep on his chest. Matthew looked so tiny snuggled comfortably there. Though it was touching and I was grateful for Sam treating Matthew with such love and kindness, I could feel the tug on my heart that said this wasn't quite right. I really should be walking into Wyatt cuddled with his son. It was a brief feeling that i shook off as quickly as it had come up. That was no longer a possibility in my life. Wyatt was where he was happiest or at least my heart yearned to believe that. Rather it was true or not would never be any of my business. Wyatt had never ever really let me into his inner self for me to be able to read him completely. In fact, I am pretty damned sure Wyatt has never let anyone in that far, not even Chris. Even now that name is like a bitter pill on my tongue that I want to spit out. So easily he would accuse me of being in the wrong, but it is not so easy to take a look at what he might have done wrong as well. Of course, it is easy for me to shift the blame having been the "other woman" for all of this time. Chris who would disappear for months at a time and come back when it was convenient for him and just assume things would be as he left him. We were not right in sneaking behind Chris back, I make no excuses for the low crap I have pulled and would most likely pull all over again to be in Wyatt's arms once more. God..I could scream at myself! Even now..in this hour of quietness when I should be ecstatic and sharing in these pages of the sweet proposal from Sam..I speak of him..I think of him..I yearn for him! What is this damned madness that consumes me when it comes to Wyatt and why does it only seem to grow as time goes by. Time is supposed to make it lessen! Oh, but heaven and hell the fates are cruel mistresses!
...It is not often that I leave my journaling behind to clear my mind before coming back to finish my thoughts. But this break was needed in order to focus on what happened earlier this evening. I curled on Sam's lap after removing my coat, cuddling Matthew close to me. Tucked into his tiny hand was something, something I pried his little fingers open to retrieve, curious as to how or why he would have anything in his hand. The diamond sparkled in the glow of the fire as it flashed slightly in the light and gaze, unblinking into Sam's eyes. The smile on his face priceless, beautiful, and unforgettable as he asked me to marry him. I said yes, when I am sure most would have thought I would have said no. I do love and care for Sam, he is very much a part of my past, a part of why I came to be here top side with the humans, and this was our time to take another step forward to our future and to me moving on. If happiness is what this is, then I have been mislead. For even now as the light catches the ring and flashes its brilliance, my heart feels heavy and possibly unsure. But this right..I think..to say yes and move forward with my life. A life that I know will be great in the end if I will only allow it to happen. A life that I for the longest time would be spent with someone else, but now that is no longer possible. Why, Wyatt? Why do you continue to hold my heart still firmly in the palm of your hand? Why can I not get you to let go of it and surrender it back to me? What is the power you continue to hold? Why do I love you more and more instead of less...why can't I move on without these thoughts of you like you have moved on as if you and I never really existed...

Memoirs Of Madness~61

November 15th, 2009 12:53 pm.
I never usually place dates on anything I write because it becomes pointless with as long as I have been around and with as long as I have been keeping journals. I am sure anyone could date them easily by the events mentioned here and there in the world. Not that anyone would believe my words if they found them. They would see them as simply a work of fiction at the hand of an unknown author. And I believe that is perfectly fine for me. I haven't written a few months, not after my birthday party. I decided to put these things to rest and focus solely on making my life stress free. To not constantly delve into old wounds and open them up by reading my older ramblings. Much has happened in these few months. Mainly that I feel that I had grown roughly the size of the house, until today that is. But there are a few events leading up to this amazing day..this amazing day that also has become another defining moment that I somehow wish I could do over. Do what was right instead of worrying about what I thought I could handle and what I could not handle. Too often my heart clouds my judgement. I don't think I was able to recover my dignity with Matthew after the disaster of a birthday I had. He finally left with Blair. He left without really saying a word. One day he was here and the next he was gone. I believe they managed to help Bianca, but I guess I will never know. And I am not sure why, but the fact he left without a word will somehow haunt me for some time to come. It is a deep seated feeling I can not let go of. Nor have I since really spoken to Wyatt other than a possibility of once or twice to let him know how I am with the pregnancy as time grew closer to giving birth. Until today came into our lives. I wrestled with the birth of Matthew for the entirety of the past two months. I wrestled with how things will be when it comes time, who will be allowed in the room and who won't. Willa has asked to be there and I can not deny the one friend who has been there through everything. The one who never turned her back on me for even one single breath of a moment. And, of course Wyatt should be there. It is his son. But I am swallowed by a fear so great that it keeps me up at night. I do not think I can bear to be in the same room with him in such an emotional state. Not without some kind of shield to protect me. And Sam is that shield. But Sam should be allowed as well, after all he has taken care of me, seen me through this pregnancy and treated me like a queen. It is not fair to allow Sam because he will be my safe haven, my 'shield', this should be Wyatt's moment to not be shared with another man and yet I could not change my mind once it was set. 
November 15th, 2009 12:53 pm
Matthew Warren Halliwell is born. And my happiness is over shadowed by the mistake of making Wyatt share this moment with another man. I sit now, watching our son sleep soundly swaddled in a blue blanket. He is beside me in the living room as I sit journaling, my thoughts only torn from these pages with each small movement he makes. I am a nervous mother, always checking to make sure he is breathing, always checking to make sure that the things that go bump in the night do not harm him while I slumber. I am a heart broken mother for the stupid choices I have made. I wish things different now that they have passed. Not that Wyatt and I would be together as he has found his happiness with another and I believe so have I. But that I should have nor been a coward, faced down my fear, accepted that I will always love this man with a raging fire, and allowed him the glory of this afternoon. My soul is somewhere weeping right now at what I have become. I weep right now for all that seems so lost. If I could say anything in these pages to redeem myself, I can only think of two.
1) My words to Matthew..no matter what this world affords us or what dangers we may face, remember from the moment you were conceived that it was done in love. And remember that you will always be well and truly loved more than you could ever know.
2) My words to Wyatt..I am so so sorry. Today should have been yours and yours alone. What I have done and what I asked you to do was so unfair and never will there be enough apologies that could ever undo today. No matter what has happened between us, you deserved better from me and for that there is no forgiveness. As I have said above for Matthew..so I say for you as well..since the day you fell into my life you have and will always be well and truly loved as well. Nothing in this world could ever change the fire that will always burn bright for you..no matter what the world throws at us..

Memoirs Of Madness~60

I wonder if there will ever come a time when things are right in my life. When I no longer have to fight for anything, when I no longer feel guilty for my choices, or when I will stop being judged by those around me. Not that everyone judges me, but there sometimes come defining moments in your life where all eyes are on you, waiting to see how you will react. And inevitably it will never be the right reaction. And even no one speaks a word, it is there in their eyes. I wish I could burn parts of tonight away forever, I wish I could go back and change how things turn out, and I wish that the past would simply lie where it is supposed to and allow for me to move on with less complications. I thought all of this would be the case when Sam and I started seeing each other, but somehow it is not exactly the case. I observe my surroundings at all times without fail. It is who and what I am and how I have always survived for as long as I have. One should never let their guard down when you live the type of existence I do. When you are what I am or have become. I love Willa for the chocolate birthday party, I sincerely do. Her and a dear friend Bella put the party together and friends were there I had not expected to see. I am not sure where things started to go wrong, but it was one of those moments when it all seemed to happen at once and you don't know exactly how to pinpoint the defining moment when you should have made better choices. I think, if I truly try to put my finger on it, things went wrong when Matthew showed. Not that I didn't want him there. I was thrilled to see him, but he seemed less than thrilled to meet Sam and his attitude and language proved that fact without leaving a single doubt in either my or Sam's minds. I demanded an apology for Sam, whom graciously said was not necessary, saying Matthew was entitled to his opinion. Maybe, I should have let it go, but had I seriously raised a child who would be so rude and inconsiderate to someone they just met? I can understand the fact that it's not his father, but Matthew should have had enough respect to know his father and I are not together. From there it moved to another friend, whom had been trying to find a way for us to move our relationship beyond friendship, who deemed it necessary to inform the world what a bitch I am. Simply because I have never felt any kind of spark with him. It is one thing to know the world sees you as the ultimate bitch, but for a "friend" to announce it in a cold hearted among a gathering of friends is a whole other thing. I am sure between Matthew refusing to apologize, my anger causing a lamp to blow apart, being called a bitch, and then Wyatt showing as well. I didn't stand a chance at keeping any civility about me. I know Wyatt was trying to maintain his secrecy as if he had never shown, but I saw him and asked what he was doing there. Mistake on my part as Matthew found another opportunity to chastise my choices. It's not that I didn't want Wyatt there, I was completely caught off guard. I keep mentioning how people seem to see right through me lately and not really see me, this was another of those times. Because despite the hostilities between Wyatt and I, we had become amicable and decent with each other, but seeing him face to face..it brought a lot of emotions to the surface. No one saw the butterflies roar to life in my stomach, no one could feel how my arms longed to draw him close to me, to kiss those lips and run my fingers through his hair. No one felt the shame I felt for feeling those things with Sam standing beside me. Instead, my own son still unborn but staring me down in anger has judged me, a friend due to his own insecurities has judged me, I am sure Wyatt has judged me for the blurting out of my words, and it was written in the faces of the silent party. One of those defining moments in my life and I had failed it, simply because no one has a true understanding of what I am struggling with inside of me. A million apologies were given to Willa for the destruction of such a beautiful idea as Sam took from the party. In his defense, Sam tried. He had an impromptu picnic down near a lake where we had first enjoyed burgers together and caught up on old times. The diamond necklace was beautiful and his attempt at saving the rest of the night was very noble and even heroic in a way. But even now, it is the pendant received from Wyatt, one charged with helping to keep the baby's ever growing powers in check, that holds my gaze and wonder. The gesture came from somewhere deep, even if no one else perceives it this way. For me, it was the most important gift I had received. How is it when we are apart, he gets me, he understands me and knows what I need. When we are together I am next to invisible. When will I find myself in the presence of a man who doesn't see completely through me. Sky, whom made me feel I needed to keep myself reserved with him. Wyatt who never seemed to completely give himself to me and made me feel less than the person I had thought I was. And Sam who tries, but I am not so sure that in the end he is where I am supposed to be. I have heard it said that a woman's heart is much like the ocean..deep and full of secrets. but I think there is something most people fail to see or understand. Or, maybe, simply I am different in the way I feel. I would give anything to find the one man who would be willing to dive to the depths and not be afraid of the secrets there. A man I can completely be who I am. In all my moods..in all my emotions...without judgement..someone who truly sees who I am and who I can be..

Memoirs of Madness~59

The more I get to know my son, or maybe in this case, the lack of getting to know my son..the more I question rather I am a capable mother. He is so distant and almost cold like when he is around. Maybe it is simply me and my perception of him. I understand he can't say much due to the critical nature of changing something important and destroying the future he has come to know. I know enough to know he is here with Blair, Bianca and Chris daughter, and they are here to help Bianca who has given up hope on her life. I can understand her fears at how capable we are or are not at being parents. It's a damned sight scarier than worrying about the confines of hell. In the pit it is only you and whatever eternity of torture you have signed on for. Having another life in your hands, one that is the epitome of innocence is an incredible gift and responsibility. I try not to push him or ask too many questions,but it is extremely difficult to not be concerned about him and Blair. Blair, who I believe harbors some of her father's resentment of who I am. Chris will never see me as anything less than the one who ruined his life and there is nothing I can do about that right now. Though, I am sure he could care less now, considering he got what he wanted. One would think life is pretty much breeze right now. With Sam, being pregnant, everyone and everything seemingly where they should be. But what no one knows is that I busy myself with Matthew being here so that I can't focus on the fact that there is still a touch of emptiness within me that I can't quite place my finger on. What more could I ask for? So why I should I still feel this yearning for something more, something I feel I am missing. Sam is mostly around, but much like Wyatt before I called off the engagement, sees through me. Matthew would rather not deal with an over bearing protective mom. I see Sky and Shara when I can, but even that is still difficult after all the hurt that I have caused. Even they, don't see it. Willa, may sense it but she is so wrapped up in that damned boyfriend of hers. I would love to give that kid a piece of mind with no one else around and then send him away from her. He is toxic to her. But that is getting away from my own semi troubled thoughts. I am in this alone, juggling so much, and trying to maintain the fact i don't need anyone to help me through. I could list everything here that jumbles my mind, but that would bore even myself to have to do a mental check on why I am so screwed up most days. The whole demon thing aside, of course. I can't even be sure I am all too excited about my birthday or not. After all, when you have lived several lifetimes over..what's another year. 

Memoirs of Madness~58

There was a time when I would have never believed that time really does heal all wounds. I am not sure I believe that I know, but I have a better understanding of it. I have to admit, I never thought I would find happiness again outside of all the unhappiness I had tangled myself in, but truth is..life with Sam is pretty decent. We get along beautifully, he takes care of me and makes sure I want for nothing, is ever mindful of the baby on the way, and is around all the time. He's also been very patient with me ever screwed up emotions when it comes to moving forward with our lives together. And anyone, who might be unlucky enough to dive into my brain, would know just how screwed up they have been. But, then again, it seems everyone has moved forward with their lives with one step or another. As true as all of this is, I would never deny that my heart still belongs to Wyatt, though I find myself tangled in his web less and less, there is no substitute for him. I know that, even now, I would more than likely give serious consideration to giving everything up for him, again. Oh, what a foolish heart I have. One that may possibly never figure it out that Wyatt does not want me. Or so I have led myself to believe. I am not sure which is a more bitter pill to swallow. That I wasn't who and what he needed or that he never loved me at all. You know, the whole distraction/plaything object for him.But now it is time to move ever more forward. There are plans to be made for the baby's birth and how we will handle things with visitations and holidays. The baby. My son. Wyatt's son. I keep avoiding writing anything down because it all still seems surreal. And I have to keep reminding myself that I have seen far crazier things. Someone from the future visiting the past is not so outlandish. But when it is the son you have yet to give birth to..things take on a far more different outlook. Matthew Warren Halliwell. Our son. I was drinking a cup of coffee at a local coffee shop this morning, minding my own business, off in my own little world when it happened. The moment I saw him something inside me knew. My coffee cup fell from my hand only to be caught in his hand with lightening quick reflexes before it fell to the ground. All I could do is stare at the boy who was or who will be the spitting image of his dad. I have yet to figure out why he is here, I was simply too busy looking at him and trying to wrap my mind around the fact that though he was still growing within my womb..here he stood before me in all of his sixteen year old attitude. How does one deal with a teenage son in the flesh who hasn't even, technically been born yet..and people wonder why I am completely crazy at times...

Memoirs of Madness~57

I remember all too well all those many nights I had spent in run down motel rooms, trying to stay inconspicuous and always on the move. It sucked, for lack of better terms. I think that is what first led me to finally tell Sam it was perfectly fine for him to stay with me at my place. After all, the spare guest room was not being used for anything. One little meaningless "picnic" in the park led to many such nights of hanging out and catching up. Sam and his brother Dean had parted ways for a bit of time to gather some perspective on their own lives. It seemed Sam was enjoying learning to live a life without hunting and lately I had joined that team of retired hunters. I simply had too much to risk with the baby still growing inside of me. Our late night talks came to the point where sending him away to some lonely motel room wasn't what I deemed necessary. Where some relationships became broken, some others were being mended. I rarely spoke to Sky or Shara, though the feelings remained not quite so hard between us. Willa is very wrapped up in Tony, from whom I prefer to keep my distance. He simply brings out this inner rage I try to keep squashed down and then my powers do crazy things like blow things up. I would hate to truly screw up and blow Tony up, Willa would never forgive me. And Wyatt..I guess we are amicable together. It is the best either of us can do in the situation and each day grows easier to talk once more and find some kind of passive friendship, though my heart still tries to scream and shout and how much of a mistake this all is. I have learned to tell my heart to shut up and simply move forward. I am not so sure when it truly became official or even what moment changed everything or maybe I do know and figure it's really no one's business, not even these pages I have grown addicted to writing my thoughts in. Sam has been incredibly sweet about the whole baby thing, making sure I am taken care of while he stays with me. It's been refreshing and I believe something changed the morning he swept into my room with a tray and served me breakfast in bed. Propped up next to me on the bed, we enjoyed a bite to eat, a bit of conversation, and then something much more intimate. It wasn't something that happened over night. For the first time in ages, since Sky and Wyatt..I made myself hold back. Though there was a bit of tension here and there between us, we both denied it for weeks and weeks on end. It was worth the wait. Now Sam is living here with me and maybe this is the most "normal" existence I have fallen into. except last night when the phone rang. It was Wyatt calling to let me know that he and Chris had eloped in Vegas. I joked about them making sure to have some kind of reception or party when they were back. I even joked about being angry that I wasn't invited. I wished them both the best of luck before hanging up, telling Wyatt how extremely happy I was for him and I was..I am because he sounded genuinely happy. I filled Sam in on the call and then excused myself to the shower. Crying in the shower is extremely therapeutic and no one else will ever know about it. I was happy, but I was crushed as well. How do I even explain how I have moved on, out of the vicious cycle my life had become into something new and here I was crying my heart out. Feeling the jagged edges being torn apart again. I would never dare to try and explain it because I can't. Because it was supposed to Wyatt and I. I don't know if I hate myself more for not being strong enough to hold it together while he was always away or I hate him more for not fighting for us. For simply being angry at me for betraying him with a kiss to another and watching me walk without a fight. I try not to seem to distant with Sam and so far I am doing well, because I really should give him one hundred percent. It's tough when ninety percent is with someone else. I can deny it all I want...move forward all I want..but those pieces of my heart that are still shattered and will always remain shattered can only be pieced back together by one man...

Memoirs of Madness~56

And so my life became what I was used to it being, by my own choices as it always had been. Not that Sky didn't give it a valiant effort, but I couldn't bring myself to keep repeating the same damning path my life had become. Wyatt, then Sky, back to Wyatt..and then Sky again. It had become an unhealthy way of living. So I chose myself this time. After all I will bringing a child into this ungodly world and he needed a mother who was sure of herself or it could be a huge downward spiral of issues. I had enough of my own without imposing them on my child..on Wyatt and my child. I am not sure Sky was all to happy with my decision, but I think he understands the need to figure out who i am without all of the other stuff in between. I hear, through the grapevine that Wyatt and Chris are trying again. I am not sure rather I am happy about this or not. I am full of mixed emotions on the whole thing, but what else is new about my feelings when it comes to Wyatt. I am good with my choice to leave love and romance behind, I guess it's a bitter pill to swallow to know Wyatt went right back to Chris as if what we had was just a passing irritation. Somehow, I thought he might figure it was time for him to figure things out as well. Though weeks have past since I heard that news. I work at keeping myself calm and settled to avoid any crazy mishaps. The truth is I have become invincible between my powers and the baby's. It makes me wish Wyatt and I could see eye to eye more. The first couple of weeks were the hardest. At first I swore Wyatt could simply have custody of our child after I gave birth and I would disappear, make his life easier. But, this is my home as well and I couldn't really leave it. I haven't had a place to call home in centuries and things change when you realize you are about to become a mom. Then I figured I preferred not to see Wyatt and suggested a "safe" person to take our child back and forth so we wouldn't have to see each other. I feel foolish now, in hind sight, I think both of us were hurt and wounded and angry words always seem easier than facing the hurt. Though, some days I find myself wondering if he really hurt at all or he was relieved I called things off. There are nights when the loneliness is still too much to bear and I catch myself crying myself to sleep. Mostly for everything that seems to be lost and because I fear I will never live up to the expectations of being a good mother. Don't get me wrong, I miss him. How could I not? Those kinds of feelings don't ever simply shut off or go away. I don't care what all the best therapists or wise people tell you. They never ever fade..
On a much lighter note, I took a walk this afternoon along a row of little quaint shops in San Francisco I had come to love. I spent my time walking slowly and doing a bit of window shopping. As a hunter you learn that each individual has a distinct energy or smell if you will, about them. Sky has one, Willa, Shara, and Wyatt. Anyone I have ever been close to..their auras stay with me. This one was strong, familiar, haunting in its every essence. And as I turned our eyes caught and a small smile moved over his lips in greeting. Sam Winchester..a blast from the past, someone I assumed I would never see again after all that had transpired over the years. And most certainly did not expect a smile to greet me. Sometimes, people come into your life for a reason and right now it was nice to see an old familiar face from the days when everything made sense. We're meeting for dinner tomorrow. Nothing major..just burgers and fries in the park and a chance to catch up on things we have missed ..