Memoirs Of Madness~66// Part 1~Paris

Paris.
The past few nights have been a whirlwind and my head is still spinning. I am not sure I can get all of my thoughts out in one night. Or sort them all out in one writing! Amazing  heartbreaking, scary, crazy, and probably a million other emotions could round out what has happened recently. A few nights ago, Willa and I were out riding her broom, and yes I said broom, trying to forget the hardships of life and find some sort of release. Me, I simply wanted out and away. A chance to breathe and be myself, a chance to figure things out. Wyatt and I started out by talking, but slowly moved into our old routine, secretly seeing each other. I know I am like six million times the fool, but I could never make anyone see or understand the hold this man has on me, the depth of love my heart holds for him. I think he could break my heart a million times and a million times more I would go back to him. The heart knows what it wants even at the peril of being broken. But the secrecy was wearing on me. After all, what good is your love for someone if it can't be shared? With nothing better to do, Willa finally managed to wind up on the top of the Golden Gate Bridge just hanging out. And I told her I needed a break, to get away from everything. Matthew was with Wyatt for a few days so it was the perfect opportunity. Her answer was to leave me alone on top of that damned bridge. Have I mentioned how damned much I hate heights. I suppose I could have shimmer, but after a few drinks I tend to not travel magically so well. I suppose I would have been fine if I would have tried, but I called for Willa to get her ass back and then Wyatt's name fell from my lips. He had once been my Whitelighter and it seemed natural to call on him for help, not that I truly expected him to show. But there he stood, larger than life and looking like my damned savior, or even an angel, as far as I was concerned. He had that damned smirk he had seems to wear when he knows I am less than happy. As if my pissiness is his entertainment. All I said was I wanted out of here, meaning off the bridge , of course. We wound up in Paris, in a room using a stolen identity after I dressed as a butler and him a bell hop. With Matthew safely with Wyatt's mother, we had a few days to ourselves. Our first day was spent, "securing" ourselves a room and then heading out for clothes shopping. Considering neither of us brought clothes with us, we were in dire need of something other than our "costumes". Wyatt is another person when it is him and I and no one else around. He tried on clothes that had me laughing so hard I thought I would pee myself. He was fun, he was carefree, he was himself. Or the self I knew he could be if he would let down his walls. This was what I wanted, this was what I was searching for, this was the two of us loving each other with no inhibitions. This..was Wyatt enjoying life without that dark look in his eyes holding him back. Once finished shopping and me with my red beret atop my hair, we walked along the Seine River watching people enjoying snacks. I tried to let go of everything and not worry about things back home or our situation, but it was like the elephant in the room. It was so frustrating trying to talk to him about what we were going to do because he had no answers. My words, my questions took the light from his eyes. But just as the words took the light from his eyes, the lack of his answers tore at my heart. I say I would go back to him a million times over, but to hide my love, to always be unsure of how he really feels took the light from my own eyes. As much as I would always go back, I always hate myself for knowing it will be in secret. Our conversation brought us both down as we got sandwiches to take to the park, continuing our walk. Though our words were few and we were quiet for a time, Paris is infectious when it comes to lovers. It is hard to not be a part of all of it. There was nothing to compare to kissing Wyatt in the middle of Paris, the Eiffel Tower in the background, people smiling at us, the two of us not hiding our affections or love for each other. And this was only the afternoon of the first day of our visit. We had yet to worry about the fact that when we returned home that public displays of affection would once again be forbidden..

Memoirs Of Madness~65

It all became too much at some point this evening. I thank the gods, fates, or whomever for Matthew's great aunt Phoebe, Wyatt's aunt. She has been a life saver whenever I needed a few moments to myself now and again. No questions asked, maybe a concerned look or two, but she never pries and I am thankful for this. I like the walls around me because they are safer. At least I thought they were until I packed the last box of a few things had left behind. It seemed my whole life unraveled at that moment, though I held it together until Phoebe came and took Matthew back to the Halliwell Manor. Then I found myself at the beach in nothing but shorts and a tee shirt. As late as it was I should have had something more on because I was chilled to the bone and yet..I could not feel it. I have nothing left to give anymore. I have lost myself in this game I have played over the past few years, thinking I could find my humanity and cling tightly to it, but I have failed over and over again. Love no longer exists in my world and I had decided that Matthew should be brought up by his name sake's family. I have no legacy to leave him with but bitterness, anger, loneliness  and heartache. I wasn't sure why I had come here, what my intentions seemed to be because the tears refused to fall, but the pain refused to let go. I wanted to scream and vent, but to whom. There was no one to hear me, no one to tell me things would eventually be all right..that I would also be all right.
And, like an angel, without wings he was there. My guardian angel, the man who plagued my dreams constantly, who made my thoughts a living hell to deal with on an almost daily basis. I had told no one that Sam had left, but there Wyatt stood in front of me with that look on his face. Not pity, but the look that says he somehow knows. How does he do that? How does he always know exactly when to show up even when I have kept my entire crumbling world to myself. I want to hate him, hate him because it's easier than the wave of emotions that suddenly flood me and break the dam that had been keeping everything together. Strangely, he doesn't even have to ask or speak a single world and I unleash all the fury and pain that is inside of me. I cry, I scream, I sob, and I scream some more as I come at him with fists to beat against his chest as I straddle him on the ground. I can't even remember how we had got into that position all I knew was that my rage was directed at him. If he had simply been around and not so busy, i would still be his and none of this would be happening. I wouldn't feel so used for what seemed like the millionth time in a few years. And he remained silent and he remained still until I was spent and had nothing left in me but the gut wrenching sobs I couldn't stop. The kind that shake your entire body. And then he simply held me as I declared through my sobs how I was finished with love..how it was no longer something I wished to be a part of. I know he told me I was foolish, that I couldn't give up as he soothed me. And I know other things were said, I know I woke a short time ago in my own bed with no knowledge of how I got there. I am finished with it all anyhow..except for Matthew. I can not turn my back on him and Wyatt...
I love him. And if god does exist he is a cruel cruel being to allow me to love that man the way I do. Even now, the passion burns hotter than the sun and I can't breathe when I am near him. And yet, I turn my back on him because I have no choice. He made his choice and it was not me. Only Wyatt can still break the walls with a simple look, without a single word. A single touch makes me tremble, when he held me I wished that I could damn myself a hundred times over to be rid of the way I feel about him. It has been a few years since we first met, several heartaches later, and I want him more today than I ever did. He is punishment. Hell was only a precursor to the true torture of this demon's soul..a love I can never touch, never hold, never call my own, and never feel the all the consuming beautiful fire of his passion again. Yes..this is my own personal hell and I helped to create it..

Memoirs Of Madness~64

I knew it would come to this, deep in the very pit of my stomach it sat like a stone. And yet, one can not fathom the effects it still had on me. So many angry words, so much shouting, accusing, and so many lies exposed. And for once in my miserable little existence, I wasn't the one knee deep in the lies and even when he as exposed for the liar he was and fro the truths I had found out, Sam still continued to lie. The lies and truths no longer matter, the pain of knowing I am incapable of being loved does matter. I write once more with my son tucked sweetly in his bed, grateful that his grandmother Piper had him in her care during the angry out burst that ended with Sam leaving with words that still sting like a son of a bitch. He hopes I get everything I deserve..trust me these were not the words of a man wishing anyone well. I am tired of crying, I am sick of making mistake after mistake, I grow weary of the pain I should not feel for I am not supposed to have a heart, and most of all I am finished with love and its hateful games. Love is an illusion created by man, a fairy tale that does not exist. There is no white knight or happily ever after. There are no soul mates or truth to the words that there is someone for everyone. There is only this bitterness that always leaves one battered and worn down to nothing and the other moving on to live a life full of sunshine and happiness. For Matthew I am the sunshine, even if it is forced and faked, in the quiet hours of the night the bitterness continues to take root and the anger to begin it's consummation of me. An anger I do not know how to place or react to because this is all my fault. I am too needy, I ask too much, I am unlovable and I force people to think I am lovable. I have hurt people in this quest for love and this is what happens..karma comes back around. How can I raise a child to love unconditionally when I am not even sure what the meaning of the word is. The darkness is so much more appealing now than it ever has been, yet I won't give in. I will swallow my pride and continue forth. No one has to know of these things. I am good at building walls and keeping people out, keeping them from my true emotions. I am a liar born and bred in the depths of hell and this should be a piece of cake, yet how long can I continue with the lie that Sam is another hunt and I am not sure when he will be home. After all, I have no one I really see much of anymore. Willa, Sky, Shara, and eve Wyatt have their own lives they are busy with. I see them all only once in a while. And Wyatt is more concerned with his son when I see him than with me..so hard can it be to suck up the misery and pain of a life I was meant to have. After all..anyone I have cared for or loved I have either hurt or driven away. A demon's path is lonely..it always has been and for me..it always will be..