The past few nights have been a whirlwind and my head is still spinning. I am not sure I can get all of my thoughts out in one night. Or sort them all out in one writing! Amazing heartbreaking, scary, crazy, and probably a million other emotions could round out what has happened recently. A few nights ago, Willa and I were out riding her broom, and yes I said broom, trying to forget the hardships of life and find some sort of release. Me, I simply wanted out and away. A chance to breathe and be myself, a chance to figure things out. Wyatt and I started out by talking, but slowly moved into our old routine, secretly seeing each other. I know I am like six million times the fool, but I could never make anyone see or understand the hold this man has on me, the depth of love my heart holds for him. I think he could break my heart a million times and a million times more I would go back to him. The heart knows what it wants even at the peril of being broken. But the secrecy was wearing on me. After all, what good is your love for someone if it can't be shared? With nothing better to do, Willa finally managed to wind up on the top of the Golden Gate Bridge just hanging out. And I told her I needed a break, to get away from everything. Matthew was with Wyatt for a few days so it was the perfect opportunity. Her answer was to leave me alone on top of that damned bridge. Have I mentioned how damned much I hate heights. I suppose I could have shimmer, but after a few drinks I tend to not travel magically so well. I suppose I would have been fine if I would have tried, but I called for Willa to get her ass back and then Wyatt's name fell from my lips. He had once been my Whitelighter and it seemed natural to call on him for help, not that I truly expected him to show. But there he stood, larger than life and looking like my damned savior, or even an angel, as far as I was concerned. He had that damned smirk he had seems to wear when he knows I am less than happy. As if my pissiness is his entertainment. All I said was I wanted out of here, meaning off the bridge , of course. We wound up in Paris, in a room using a stolen identity after I dressed as a butler and him a bell hop. With Matthew safely with Wyatt's mother, we had a few days to ourselves. Our first day was spent, "securing" ourselves a room and then heading out for clothes shopping. Considering neither of us brought clothes with us, we were in dire need of something other than our "costumes". Wyatt is another person when it is him and I and no one else around. He tried on clothes that had me laughing so hard I thought I would pee myself. He was fun, he was carefree, he was himself. Or the self I knew he could be if he would let down his walls. This was what I wanted, this was what I was searching for, this was the two of us loving each other with no inhibitions. This..was Wyatt enjoying life without that dark look in his eyes holding him back. Once finished shopping and me with my red beret atop my hair, we walked along the Seine River watching people enjoying snacks. I tried to let go of everything and not worry about things back home or our situation, but it was like the elephant in the room. It was so frustrating trying to talk to him about what we were going to do because he had no answers. My words, my questions took the light from his eyes. But just as the words took the light from his eyes, the lack of his answers tore at my heart. I say I would go back to him a million times over, but to hide my love, to always be unsure of how he really feels took the light from my own eyes. As much as I would always go back, I always hate myself for knowing it will be in secret. Our conversation brought us both down as we got sandwiches to take to the park, continuing our walk. Though our words were few and we were quiet for a time, Paris is infectious when it comes to lovers. It is hard to not be a part of all of it. There was nothing to compare to kissing Wyatt in the middle of Paris, the Eiffel Tower in the background, people smiling at us, the two of us not hiding our affections or love for each other. And this was only the afternoon of the first day of our visit. We had yet to worry about the fact that when we returned home that public displays of affection would once again be forbidden..
No comments:
Post a Comment