Memoirs Of Madness~64

I knew it would come to this, deep in the very pit of my stomach it sat like a stone. And yet, one can not fathom the effects it still had on me. So many angry words, so much shouting, accusing, and so many lies exposed. And for once in my miserable little existence, I wasn't the one knee deep in the lies and even when he as exposed for the liar he was and fro the truths I had found out, Sam still continued to lie. The lies and truths no longer matter, the pain of knowing I am incapable of being loved does matter. I write once more with my son tucked sweetly in his bed, grateful that his grandmother Piper had him in her care during the angry out burst that ended with Sam leaving with words that still sting like a son of a bitch. He hopes I get everything I deserve..trust me these were not the words of a man wishing anyone well. I am tired of crying, I am sick of making mistake after mistake, I grow weary of the pain I should not feel for I am not supposed to have a heart, and most of all I am finished with love and its hateful games. Love is an illusion created by man, a fairy tale that does not exist. There is no white knight or happily ever after. There are no soul mates or truth to the words that there is someone for everyone. There is only this bitterness that always leaves one battered and worn down to nothing and the other moving on to live a life full of sunshine and happiness. For Matthew I am the sunshine, even if it is forced and faked, in the quiet hours of the night the bitterness continues to take root and the anger to begin it's consummation of me. An anger I do not know how to place or react to because this is all my fault. I am too needy, I ask too much, I am unlovable and I force people to think I am lovable. I have hurt people in this quest for love and this is what happens..karma comes back around. How can I raise a child to love unconditionally when I am not even sure what the meaning of the word is. The darkness is so much more appealing now than it ever has been, yet I won't give in. I will swallow my pride and continue forth. No one has to know of these things. I am good at building walls and keeping people out, keeping them from my true emotions. I am a liar born and bred in the depths of hell and this should be a piece of cake, yet how long can I continue with the lie that Sam is another hunt and I am not sure when he will be home. After all, I have no one I really see much of anymore. Willa, Sky, Shara, and eve Wyatt have their own lives they are busy with. I see them all only once in a while. And Wyatt is more concerned with his son when I see him than with me..so hard can it be to suck up the misery and pain of a life I was meant to have. After all..anyone I have cared for or loved I have either hurt or driven away. A demon's path is lonely..it always has been and for me..it always will be..