Memoirs Of Madness~63

History repeats itself. And in my case it repeats itself over and over and over again. I have watched the truth in these words over the centuries of my existence. Fashions come back around, fads fade away and find themselves popular again after so long, murderers still murder, hate still runs rampant, and wars are still fought because humans never learn from their mistakes. It seems I never learn either. Of course to everyone who knows me or even when we are out in public together we put on one grand show, Sam and I as if all is well. And even when I fail at being the consummate actress, no one pays attention anyhow. Not that I need them to. Not that I need anyone else to point out what I failure I seem to be. I sit in Matthew's room now, watching him sleep as I write these words, he is the only comfort in my life, the only thing I have not done wrong. And yet I worry that somehow I will damage him as well. It's been four months since Sam's proposal of marriage and since then things have slowly gone down hill. The story is the same. Duty calls, there are other things more important, and I am not one of them. What is it about me that drives them all the way? What is it about me that I drove away the person who would have stayed no matter what? I search for the answers to these questions and so much more since Willa's birthday party. I couldn't do it. I can't pretend anymore that I feel that giving up is the only real answer here. I am unlovable. I am a trophy to be won and then put upon the shelf. I will only ever be the other woman, the mistress, the whore in most men's life if I allow them in. But no more will I allow it. The next time Sam walks out the door will be his last. He will no longer be welcomed in this home. It is either myself or his honor bound duty. I know already which will win and so I sit with my anger and my hurt and the tired that now surrounds me. I only continue on for Matthew, but will no longer continue on for the love of any man. The one who would have stood by my side deserves much better than I could ever give him. And I know that there is a part of me that will always belong to Matthew's father and so I know now that I can never really commit myself completely to another no matter how hard I try. So this will be it, my swan song, my last attempt at making this work..though I have already resigned myself to its failure. Sam left along time ago and I do not know why he even bothers or pretends to care. A year of lies..a year of teaching me that in the end I am not worthy of such things. I can only hope to do better by Matthew, that I don't shove him away as well..that the son who went back to the future has a change of heart about his mother. Most days, I wish I had never sold my soul so long ago that I would have simply accepted death instead, but to see Matthew in his innocence sleeping before me makes me regret such thoughts. He is here for a reason and deserves every chance at the best life I can give him. I, do not deserve anything. That is clear now and I must pull myself up and move forward. No one notices the turmoil I am in right now and maybe no one will. Maybe Sam will fade away and no will take any notice and not judge at how pathetic a creature I am that I drive every one away from me..maybe Matthew belongs with his father and I can simply fade away as well. Maybe this what is best..maybe..maybe not..