Memoirs Of Madness~65

It all became too much at some point this evening. I thank the gods, fates, or whomever for Matthew's great aunt Phoebe, Wyatt's aunt. She has been a life saver whenever I needed a few moments to myself now and again. No questions asked, maybe a concerned look or two, but she never pries and I am thankful for this. I like the walls around me because they are safer. At least I thought they were until I packed the last box of a few things had left behind. It seemed my whole life unraveled at that moment, though I held it together until Phoebe came and took Matthew back to the Halliwell Manor. Then I found myself at the beach in nothing but shorts and a tee shirt. As late as it was I should have had something more on because I was chilled to the bone and yet..I could not feel it. I have nothing left to give anymore. I have lost myself in this game I have played over the past few years, thinking I could find my humanity and cling tightly to it, but I have failed over and over again. Love no longer exists in my world and I had decided that Matthew should be brought up by his name sake's family. I have no legacy to leave him with but bitterness, anger, loneliness  and heartache. I wasn't sure why I had come here, what my intentions seemed to be because the tears refused to fall, but the pain refused to let go. I wanted to scream and vent, but to whom. There was no one to hear me, no one to tell me things would eventually be all right..that I would also be all right.
And, like an angel, without wings he was there. My guardian angel, the man who plagued my dreams constantly, who made my thoughts a living hell to deal with on an almost daily basis. I had told no one that Sam had left, but there Wyatt stood in front of me with that look on his face. Not pity, but the look that says he somehow knows. How does he do that? How does he always know exactly when to show up even when I have kept my entire crumbling world to myself. I want to hate him, hate him because it's easier than the wave of emotions that suddenly flood me and break the dam that had been keeping everything together. Strangely, he doesn't even have to ask or speak a single world and I unleash all the fury and pain that is inside of me. I cry, I scream, I sob, and I scream some more as I come at him with fists to beat against his chest as I straddle him on the ground. I can't even remember how we had got into that position all I knew was that my rage was directed at him. If he had simply been around and not so busy, i would still be his and none of this would be happening. I wouldn't feel so used for what seemed like the millionth time in a few years. And he remained silent and he remained still until I was spent and had nothing left in me but the gut wrenching sobs I couldn't stop. The kind that shake your entire body. And then he simply held me as I declared through my sobs how I was finished with love..how it was no longer something I wished to be a part of. I know he told me I was foolish, that I couldn't give up as he soothed me. And I know other things were said, I know I woke a short time ago in my own bed with no knowledge of how I got there. I am finished with it all anyhow..except for Matthew. I can not turn my back on him and Wyatt...
I love him. And if god does exist he is a cruel cruel being to allow me to love that man the way I do. Even now, the passion burns hotter than the sun and I can't breathe when I am near him. And yet, I turn my back on him because I have no choice. He made his choice and it was not me. Only Wyatt can still break the walls with a simple look, without a single word. A single touch makes me tremble, when he held me I wished that I could damn myself a hundred times over to be rid of the way I feel about him. It has been a few years since we first met, several heartaches later, and I want him more today than I ever did. He is punishment. Hell was only a precursor to the true torture of this demon's soul..a love I can never touch, never hold, never call my own, and never feel the all the consuming beautiful fire of his passion again. Yes..this is my own personal hell and I helped to create it..