Memoirs of Madness~69

It's nights like this I find myself absorbed in memories. I am not sure that this is such a good thing. Matthew sleeps soundly in his little crib and it is like watching an angel. And Wyatt is working, I am unsure if he will go speak to Chris tonight or not as well. I am not even sure at times he ever intends to. I don't know what tears him apart more. Choosing between us or knowing he has already made his choice, yet again, but is afraid of telling one of us good bye. As I settle back and let my mind wander, it seems every memory is as crystal clear as the memories of Paris. From that first meeting where I couldn't be sure if I wanted to choke the man lifeless or beg him to take me up against the wall with every ounce of passion he kept bottled up. There were nights of passion in those first nights coupled with hours of talking about anything and everything we could talk about. I felt things I could not understand, things I began to learn were jealousy, need, want, and even love. Though many would laugh at the idea of love at first sight I would have to shake my head and tsk them. It does happen. Though rare it may be. It is possible. I was so consumed in those first days..weeks..and even months with the mere thought of him. Even when he left to go back to Chris, I was still consumed. I am still consumed, but more with loving him so completely than the ache that never seemed to go away back then. Now when he is away from the hole is much larger than I ever could have imagined. An imagining that I hope does not leave me finding out that what I thought might have changed us in Paris was merely illusion. I can only be cut deeply so many times before I can no longer bleed or live again. How many times have I said never again in reference to Wyatt and allowing him to hold my heart so firmly. How many times did say I was done with love, especially after the marriage with Dean and how I broke Sky's heart only to have mine broken in return. I remember how I fought to regain my humanity shortly before falling pregnant with Matthew, losing my powers and becoming what I considered a weak human like creature. Not that I believe the human race to be weak, only that I found myself for the first time in centuries unable to defend myself. It is a time easily forgotten because I gave up the weakness soon enough in order to protect our son and Wyatt as well. The memories are only forced to the front when people ask how Matthew gained his father's powers and none of his mother's. But it quickly lost in the shuffle of memories again as this is all I have ever really known, The demon that resides within me. This demon that has been through several heart breaking break ups, a screwed up marriage, a lover who I was forced to deal with as a teenager and a woman when his spells went haywire, people who hated me for my choices, and hating myself for always only ever wanting the one man who made me passionate about everything. I smile as I think of Wyatt's proposal when I was pregnant with Matthew, how the world felt right, and how there was nothing more that I wanted out of life, but then I am also forced to remember that he was never around and it all led to me saying good bye first, this time. No one in this world or the next will ever understand what it took for me to make that decision or how much it hurt. And all I wanted was for him to try harder. To fight for me. In the end I think most of us would like this. To have someone who is willing to fight against all odds to maintain that love and to always find a way to make each other happy. By the gods how I hurt after that when he so easily let me go. I can write of heart ache, broken hearts, depression, sadness, and all the in between of those feelings, but nothing will tear you apart and break you down into little pieces more than when the one you love seems to turn his back on you because it is much easier. I know I hurt him and broke his heart as well, but the only thing I learned in that one single moment was that i was not good enough. But they say hope is an amazing thing or maybe it is faith. I am not sure which I had buried somewhere inside of me, but as I have said..it is hard to stop a force of a nature that can not be controlled. And Wyatt is a force of nature, he always manged to be there even in our times apart. Even when Lilith burned the only home I had ever known to the ground, he was there. I wanted to bury her underneath the rubble that had been my place, but in my pregnant state even I knew it was folly to go up against her and risk the baby. And there he was, like a damned knight in shining armor, calling upon his magic to make things right again. To put my home back together. That's what he does and that is who he is. Always somehow managing to feed my hope or faith that we belong together. Rather he intentionally is trying or not. There are so many other memories that crowd my mind, dealing with our son coming back form the future, his attempts at retrieving my soul, the day he gave me Maltease as a gift, the first time he asked me to marry him, the birth of our son, his patience with me in all things, how we always find our way back to each other, and Paris. My heart aches tonight with all of these memories, some good and some that can still dredge up old hurts. I don't deliberately try to hold onto these bad thought as they come rushing into my head, but when history has a tendency to repeat itself..it is hard not to wonder if it will happen again. And it is hard not to wonder just how many times a heart can break before it shatters for the last time. I love this man and I have loved him since day one. My life is with him and with no one else. If Paris and all these past years have taught me nothing else, this I know for certain. I have always known it, but now I will live life on my own if it is not with him. No one else can fill that place next to me and I will no longer attempt to fill it. No matter how this story ends...