I think that is the only way to describe my feelings right now. All I do is stay home with Matthew, unless he is with Wyatt and then I am quite alone except for Maltease. Paris weighs heavy on my mind every day. I don't know how long I can take this sneaking around in secret after being in Paris, free to be whomever we chose to be. Surely, I did not declare my love to him from a top of the Champs d'Elysee monument for nothing. And surely he did not return the sentiment just to appease me. Something will have to change sooner or later, and I mean that from the bottom of my heart. Yet, I stand stuck in a place where I am unsure where to turn. One day we are unbound, free, declaring our love for each other without any cares or worries and the next...he is withdrawn, secretive, worried and all the playfulness is gone. It breaks my heart. I want to go back to Paris right this very minute, to pack up Matthew and leave all of this behind, to run away with Wyatt and never look back. It's hard to feel the romance when we only see each other in my place. No longer allowed to walk hand in hand, to eat dinner together at nice restaurant, or to share a lover's kiss no matter where we are. Yet, I cherish every moment we are together. I try to sooth his fears, assure him things will work their way out, but it is hard when even I don't know. I don't know if the things that changed us in Paris, that bond that seemed to strengthen is enough for him to break free. Though, I must hang my head in shame for I am not truthful to every one either. I hide what is going on from everyone. Sky asks if I am seeing anyone and I smile slightly and nod my head, but refrain from telling him I am seeing and simply reply that nothing is concrete. That I don't know if things will work out. I am not sure if this gives him false hope or not, surely he must know by now that I am no good for him. These days I am no good for myself either. I only survive and manage because Matthew needs me to. And because I simply can not imagine a life without him or Wyatt as art of it. I know Wyatt comes as often as he can and stays as many nights as he possibly can, but I can't imagine the strain this puts on me for his lies are far more and far greater than mine are. If I am honest with myself, I know that more than once in the days since we have been home I have thought about letting Wyatt go, telling him doesn't have to make a choice, telling him I can't bear to see him so embroiled in all this turmoil. But something in the way he looks at me as we lie together, the way he kisses my forehead or holds me in his arms..I can not bring myself to tell him to go. To tell him I know he loves me, but making him choose is not fair. It's partially to save him the sadness that I want to say these words and I know it is partially because it scares the hell out of me that he might stay with Chris. I can sit and tell the world in these pages that I would have my heart broken a million times over by this man and still not give up on him but I am beginning to wonder how much can one heart take? Can I really face another heart break. One that, this time, I would have to suffer in silence. I am a demon. I should have no heart. I should have no soul or the remnants of one to make me feel all these things. I should not have a child with the man I love, adore, and would lay down my existence for. I am a demon. My heart beats faster every time he is near and can be broken like any other creature who can experience love. I must retain some part of a soul or the memories of one because I feel so much more than I should be allowed. The child I watch sleep before me is a soul created out of true love and I weep at how perfect he is. I am a demon and I am human..because I would trade everything I am to make sure the two of them are always happy..with..or without me..
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