Memoirs of Madness~8

Memories.
They can do your head in when you are left to your own devices long enough and all you have time to do is think. Sometimes, I go back to read what I have written within these pages to help me maybe clear my mind. Or to stop myself from making the same choices that never seem to end well. I never said much or wrote much about the time directly before Dean and I were married. I guess it's another memory that only leads me to realize my heart is still not where it wishes to be. It wasn't like Wyatt and I never talked after he went back to Chris, of course it was a while, initially. It seemed to hard to know how to act, but eventually we did talk here and there. I couldn't sleep, remembering the last conversation I had with Wyatt only a mere day or so before I married Dean. I had gone to tell him I was engaged..to be married. Why? I think I hoped it would move something deep inside of him. I was looking for three little words that would stop me in my tracks. Three words that would possibly leave me waiting for him forever and never bother with trying to find other company. The words were never said. We admitted we missed each other, that we wished we could be more together. That I was more than just the other woman to him, but all that..I couldn't get those three words from his mouth and there for he would not hear those three words from me. Maybe telling him would have changed something back then, maybe not because his heart was and is still wrapped up in Chris no matter how many times we are drawn back together. That simple talk that seemingly went nowhere ended in moments of such pure passion, neither of us could stand afterwards. I think we both felt defeated by our own actions and by the things we couldn't deny, yet we never said. But, I still don't know. I know more of how he feels, but if love is not or can not be one of those, why won't he just deny me, not speak to me, turn me away...Women are not so confusing as all of this! I think this memory haunts me because Wyatt and I have been talking more and more once again, but we seem much more reserved, other than the stolen kisses now and again. I am not sure I have like the person I find myself being. Someone who would gladly cheat on her husband, though in my mind and heart I have been since the day we were married. And I am still confused by the man I can not stay away from. The man that no matter how long we decide to stay away from each other, still invades my every thought. And in moments like this where I am alone again, he invades every second of every moment. Though I hat the loneliness as much as I know Wyatt hates his I can't be bothered with it so much because it affords Wyatt and I more time together, more time for me to teach him to open up, to really live. And we have been spending more time together. Whatever it is that lies between us, I hope we can figure out someday. We are not really together, we never truly have been and I fear I am leading myself down the same path again and setting myself up for another fall. Hope has never been a part of my vocabulary, but with Wyatt..it seems it is very much a part of what I feel whenever fate, loneliness, or whatever it may be draws together again...like moths to a flame over and over again...