Memoirs of Madness~4

I find that my own thoughts tire me out and I can't get everything down in one shot. We walked through the park after our little game last night. It is why I was unable to write about the words like love and heartbreak last night. My thoughts are too scattered, at best, to comprehend the fact that these emotions could even be a part of my vocabulary. I do not know for sure that I am quite comfortable with words like "love at first sight" or "falling in love". Am I even allowed such things? Does it truly matter when his heart belongs to another. In the same night that we are consumed for passion for each other, he also pushes me away, declaring with words like "I'm sorry" or "I can't". These things further tear my thoughts apart. Why is it okay for one moment and not okay for the next. I see it in his eyes, the things he is not telling me, but in the next instant he seems distant and almost cold. I love how he makes me feel when I am with him, despite the confusion. But I knew it in the moment we said good bye last night, when I watched him walk away after it became too hard to continue to deny each other a simple touch or kiss. This man will break me, my heart if possible or maybe my will, I am unsure of which, but he will do it. And I am unable to turn my back and stop the inevitable. I meant the words I said to him, that his friendship is more than i could ever ask for, that if that was the only way to keep him in my life, then I would settle for this. But can I now, is this even a possibility. Maybe I am falling..I am so far in over my head with no way back out. I had a dream last night, at least I think I did, the remnants were fast receding the moment I woke from slumbering. I can't remember ever dreaming, or even sleeping for that matter. I find myself no longer thinking in terms of being a creature, but of actually being someone. I no longer think in black and white, now there are many shades of gray for my thoughts to gather in. It's as if I did not exist before Wyatt..will I exist after..when he no longer needs for me to keep him company. I am sure his lover, Chris, will realize the error of his ways and Wyatt will be back where his heart belongs. As much as I would truly like to believe it belongs with me..I fear I am merely only a passing fancy. Why this thought makes me feel slightly ill, I am unsure of just yet. So I will live for these moments, hold every moment near that we are allowed to spend together before Wyatt finds the happiness he so much deserves, back to where his heart lies...