Memoirs of Madness~5

And I deemed that my life was a crazy and chaotic mess before. I feel like I haven't slept in days as I am finally able to sit and try to channel some of my thoughts. Most of my days are spent in thoughts I try to ignore, my nights spent in passion and wonder with a man I now know I can not live without. He has changed everything about me, how I see myself, how I view the world, and most of all despite the things I have seen and done over the centuries, I can feel. And I can feel incredibly deep. I have fallen, that much I know for sure. Am I in love? All the signs point to a huge resounding yes, but I refuse to admit to this other than on paper because I know how dangerous the words can be if they fall from my lips and Wyatt should turn his back on me. But, this..even this is as crazy as it sounds tumbling around in the head of a demon, things have grown far crazier than that. I found myself at Halliwell Manor at one point and can't even place my finger on why I went in the first place. To see Wyatt, of course, but maybe to even catch a glimpse of his lover, Chris. Complete madness on my part, but I am fast learning that feeling so strongly about someone makes you you do stupid things. Some very overly stupid things. What greeted me was mass confusion on my part as I was greeted by two toddlers and no parents. Who would so blatantly leave young ones alone like this. It did not take too terribly long for me to put two and two together to realize somehow, some impossible way I was now looking at a young Wyatt and Chris. And would spend several days as a "babysitter" as it were. I am an awful person, I know this as I reflect back on the time I spent with Chris, his tiny arms wrapped about my neck as if I were his protector at one point. I would come to learn that a potion had gone horribly wrong as the babies soon became teens. Potions confuse me as to how they can do such bizarre things. I suppose this comes hand in hand with making sure you know what spell you are using. I was never so great with potions or powers, preferring a good old fashioned ass kicking to anything else, but I will use my demonic powers when necessary. Teenagers..I am glad I do not remember my human life so much as to think I was this much of a pain in the ass at this age. As much as adult Wyatt infuriates me, teen Wyatt is triple that. Now I know how the cockiness and arrogance was bred in this man, because no one ever bothered to put him in his place. Yet to see him interact with Chris, even as young children causes that sick feeling in me again. As if I have intruded upon something I have no right being a part of. But, regardless what age I am faced with, when speaking of Wyatt, he challenges me at every step. And no one has bothered to challenge me as such since I crawled from the pits of misery that is known as hell. I do not include other demons as a challenge, I view them as something to be wiped from the face of the earth. But now I ramble on, due to that sick feeling I am trying desperately to avoid. Because now I know Chris and I know he does not trust me, though he won't say it openly and I dare not speak of what goes on behind closed doors with Wyatt..I have for all intents and purposes become the other woman, a mistress, a plaything. I think..I do not know because Wyatt runs hot and cold, never truly opening up or telling me anything beyond his guilt or our playful banter. One moment he can not keep his hands from me or his lips from mine and the next I feel as if I am some disease he must wipe from his lips. Untouchable. His guilt over cheating on Chris, his guilt for knowing I am in deeper than I think he expected me to be eats away at both of us in different ways. Or maybe he toys with me, knowing he has me eating out of the palm of his hand. Again..I can not turn away from this man..I have lost myself and do not know where to look for what I once was. I do not see Wyatt too much these past days since they have turned back to their normal ages and I choose to keep my distance from Chris..it simply bothers me too much..I have my own guilts to deal with. It seems Chris realizes he misses Wyatt...knows Wyatt has been seeing someone...where does this leave me?