Memoirs of Madness~7

I am married.
And since the writing of mere words does not always allowed for sarcasm to come through, that statement is dripping with it. I couldn't bring myself to write a single word since I left San Francisco, so it would seem I have remained silent for a couple of months now. It's simple really, I did not care to face any range of emotions that I encountered as I left San Francisco to settle up with the Winchesters on a case like we once used to. But now as I settle into a piss poor excuse of a marriage, it would seem that Dean finds San Francisco charming and we have moved back. The fates are cruel and evil bitches and must be having quite a good laugh over all of this. Yep, there it is, Dean Winchester.it seems our witty banter and cruel hatred of each other has led to something else at least for him. I don't feel even one tenth for him that I feel for Wyatt. Most days, I feel nothing at all, only an escape from the dreaded feelings I couldn't get away from. The ones that all come crashing around me being surrounded by this city. I have seen him a few times, brushed past him without his even noticing, testing my limits of making sure is he okay. Wanting to know he is happy. Dean is gone more days than he is around. I beginning to think no matter how much I try to be the right kind of "girl" I am nothing more than a trophy to be won. Once I am won I am placed high on a shelf to look at it when the mood strikes, otherwise I am nothing to bothered with. I can hear the whispers now.."see Ruby..I captured her..now I will throw her away". As much as this marriage has become a hysterical joke I am still as lonely as ever. And when I am alone, I hunt with reckless abandon with no care of being injured, maybe with no care if I ever return again. Death would be easier than this game I pretend to be playing. Dean will return home, I will pretend to be glad, he will call me a liar, a fight will ensue and will have make up sex. Sex I have learned to lie myself through. At first the so called passion was easy. It was angry sex for me that he misread, but I did little to correct his thoughts. I am growing weary of the angry words, the physical fights, the making up, only for him to promise to be around more before he leaves again for weeks on end. It reminds me daily of why I stayed alone for so many damnable years and then I find myself driving past his house, wondering.. Most would call me a stalker or maybe even call the police on me, but it's not what it appears. For here, within these pages is the one place I swore I would not lie to myself. I miss him...terribly..and not just the physical aspect. I miss the long talks over trivial things just to spend more time together. I wonder if he is truly happy, if he has opened up to the person he hides away. No, within these pages, I wear my heart on my sleeve. Here, I can be weak. Here..I can feel like nothing but do not have to worry about destroying the mirror I may look into. Here..I can admit I have become the greatest liar of all. I do not love the man I have married out of sheer desperation to escape what I truly know...my heart belongs to another. It has from the first moment we met and I am not sure I could ever give it another fully..only here is it okay to break..only here can I bury my thoughts and never let them see the light of day...