Memoirs of Madness~6

I am broken.
I know this now after several days of walking through street after street of this god forsaken city. If I wasn't walking aimlessly with no purpose in mind, I would sit at the waters edge, wondering if at some point the tide would simply wash me away. My hotel room lies in tatters, if it could be broken I have destroyed it, if it could be torn I ripped it to shreds with my bare hands. It's the beauty of sleazy little motels located on the edge of town. They ask no questions, a perfect place to commit a murder or any number of sins. Throw in a few extra dollars and they turn a deaf ear and a blind eye on any of your comings and goings. I walked aimlessly for hours when he said he could no longer see me, that he and Chris would now attempt to work things out. I didn't know what else to do. I passed many a demon on the way, creating chaos, but I did nothing to stop them. I saw through them, sensed their evil intent but was unable to summon the passion to protect anyone or anything. Why should I? For every good I have tried to do, to turn my wrongs around, the fates deliver another crushing blow to put me in my place to remind me I come from nothing and I shall remain as such. It is my own fault really. I saw it coming and had not one single moment of bravery to stop it before it was too late. He went back to Chris as I knew he would. He really had no obligation to me and I knew the circumstances almost from hour one of us meeting. One thing is very clear to me now. I have a heart and it can be torn into shreds, but this is the only place that fact shall be admitted. He stood before me with apologies and I stood there like a fool trying to understand. Which I did...but, in truth I didn't. I cried, at least I think I did, it's a harsh memory now and I vaguely remember the taste of salt against my lips. I didn't fight nor did I argue. I stood there and maybe I asked why, but in the end I didn't fight. I love him...in fact, I am crazy in love with him and not sure how to do this now. But to love him is to let go of him and let his heart fly away to where it belongs. There was always talk of us remaining friends, but that isn't even remotely a possibility. He hugged me as he apologized, spoke again of how complicated things were and I wanted to tear his lying tongue out, rip him limb for limb so that he could feel even one ounce of what I felt buried deep within me. And what did I do? Stood like a helpless child and let him hold me. If I ever hear the words "it's complicated from anyone ever again I will be sure to blow them into oblivion. I come from nothing and that is how it will remain. Bobby Singer has called me..telling me the Winchesters could use my help..so I shall go..maybe I will come back to this town and maybe I won't. Once again, I can no longer stand to look at myself in the mirror for becoming so weak. I faced so many emotions over the past couple of days and now I am exhausted. It has been at least forty eight hours since I have last bothered to sleep, to rest, or to even bother to take care of myself. For now, I shall sleep and ignore that fire building inside of me, the one that beckons to let the darkness have its way and drag me back into the folds of my true nature. I am unsure if I even care to fight it. I lie every day..it's easy..it's what I do. The words fell so easily when I walked away from Wyatt, telling myself it was for the best...it was what he wanted. I never thought doing the right thing would cut like so many razors. The cuts are somehow deeper than any torture hell could afford. Yes..I have fallen...and yes, I have fallen in love, but never again....