Memoirs of Madness~55 Part 2

No one will ever know just how much pain my heart has taken on since the day Wyatt blew into my life like a damned storm. It seems almost laughable that I at one time nicknamed him Tropical Storm Wyatt, but it is very fitting. He is there like a fierce wind, turning your life into this bizarre sort of chaos that at times is beautiful, but then he is gone and leaves you in pieces scattered everywhere. If these pages ever fall into someone's hands I can imagine what they will ask or think. Is she crazy, why didn't she just choose one man or the other and simply stick to it, why didn't she walk away from both of them, that thing/demon is a harlot and a whore..and maybe all of this is true and maybe these are questions I should ask of myself and think deeply on. But, you see..I have given my heart to the one I choose only it would seem he has not chosen me. Worse than that is the feeling he has chosen me, but not fully or completely. It's like he wants to be with me but holds himself back from committing one hundred percent. I told him about Sky and the look on his face was worse than when I told him I was pregnant with another man's baby. I didn't bother with telling him how I truly felt, how this whole mess was killing me slowly. What would it matter? It would not bring him around more or change things. I can not force him to be with me wholly if he still doesn't know for sure what he wants. Maybe, he does know and is simply afraid to give into it. I don't know, but it hurts to know either choice does not seem to have a place for me in his life. I tried to give the ring back because it was the right thing to do, but her refused it. And calling off the engagement was the right thing as well, because I have become just as confused as ever at what is going on now. Sky offers all the things I long for and Wyatt seems to offer none of these. Though I love both men I can not deny that Wyatt is my first. First when it comes to all of these things i have experienced as a demon, things i was told I would never feel or experience. My first true crush, my first kiss in the rain, my first love..and now it is all gone. Only angry words fill the air between us and I don't know if I should stay or I should go. For now I have retired back to my too big loft apartment with Maltease. Maltease and my all too familiar tears and heart ache. I have so many decisions to make right now. Do I leave or do I stay? Do I give custody of this baby to his father and never look back? Do I let Sky back in and try again with him? Do I forsake the word love and do this on my own? Can I ever truly love again..let someone in so far that I could give them the power to either lift me up or destroy them? One thing I know for sure, I will never love another as much as I love Wyatt. There is simply not enough room in my heart or enough left of my heart to allow this..ever. I wish I had once last kiss, one last moment to make things right somehow, one last chance to tell him despite the hurt and the mistakes he is still the one I long for, the one I can not live without, the one I can not breathe without..he is still the one I would die for..

Memoirs of Madness~55 Part 1

I tried. God, in his all knowing wisdom, if he even exists knows I tried. I substituted my time with healthier alternatives instead of suicidal runs at trying to be some hero. The weeks have grown longer and longer, the moments I see Wyatt have grown further and further apart. I have moved furniture into our new place, ordered new furniture, painted the baby's room and started setting it up, and have noticed I spend more and more time with Sky. I can see it when I write in words, the vicious cycle of always being torn between Sky and Wyatt settling into its comfort zone once more and I am growing steadily tired of allowing myself to be drawn into it. For weeks I ignored his advances and remarks about how he would never leave me alone, but as i cried myself to sleep at night with those words like a dagger to my heart, my heart still only belongs to one man. The one man who seems to have forsaken me. I can't begin to count how many lonely nights I have spent in this strange new house that still isn't a home. Wyatt has yet to eve spend the night, though he has helped pick out our bed. I sleep on the couch night after night with Maltease on the floor next to me. And I try to remain calm and settled, knowing how screwed up my powers and the baby's powers react to the slightest thing. I can no longer do this, I can longer stand to be a throw away fiance. I don't know who I am supposed to be any longer, no do I understand where it is that i belong. I have quit trying when Wyatt is here to visit. And that is all it has become, visits from him with maybe a few moments of passion thrown in, but how can a quickie as humans call them, be romantic? So I pretend to be happy and pretend nothing is wrong and so it goes on and on. He no longer sees me. Rather he seems to see right through me. It has been a while since I have written in these pages because I do not want to face any of this any longer. I do not want to face the inevitable of now telling Wyatt that I gave in to Sky yesterday and kissed him and I wanted to. I needed to feel a connection with someone, anyone. Not that Sky is simply anyone. I awoke this morning after a fitful sleep to find a single red rose on the pillow next to mine, from Wyatt, and my heart broke as it has never broken before. It seems as if it is too little too late. I don't want it to be, but it is. I can no longer live like this, knowing this could be our lives. Me, raising our son. Our son's father only popping in when it is convenient for him. This is no life. And as much as I love Wyatt with every fiber of my being..as much as I will love him like this until the day my existence ceases and I am no longer..I have to let him go. I can not make him happy, of this much I am sure. It seems, I never truly could...

Memoirs of Madness~54

Things always have a way of turning around. Or so I have been told. I don't know. I am still unsure of so many things, including the fact that I spent the entire day with Wyatt and things seemed..normal? Okay, maybe not normal, but better. I think. I was truly surprised that he was even around today for as long as he was, but I could understand his excitement. After I learned of the surprise I could understand it. It felt good holding his hand. slipping back into the old ways of teasing each other and never seeming to get enough of each other's kisses. Though it felt like old times, I could still feel the doubt creeping around the corners of my mind. He took me to a building right near the beach. A building with some pretty amazing condos in it, only to reveal how the one we were standing in now belonged to us. I can not deny what a huge step this is for us. Until now we had spent our time between both of our apartments and there was no denying the look of pride on Wyatt's face. He had done this for us, he had done this for me. I didn't need him to tell me did, I simply knew it.  And the thoughts took over instantly as I walked around the place in complete awe. I ignored the small talk between the stuck up Realtor and Wyatt as they made plans to finalize the paperwork. I showed Wyatt where the Christmas tree would go and how we would have family and friends over to celebrate. Then we headed upstairs and we stood in one smaller room, Wyatt's arms around me as he stood behind me, his hands resting against my belly as he stroked it softly. This was the baby's room. I could picture exactly where the rocking chair would go and his bed, the blue paint that would adorn its walls and suddenly the past few months of feeling broken and unwanted disappeared. It's funny how this man can turn my moods so quickly. But this is what would now occupy my mind. Instead of hunting I will prepare our home and get movers to help me move things in. I will get the baby room ready as well and these things shall now keep my mind from wandering. Though I am alone again tonight, though I have cried while in the shower as I felt the ache of Wyatt being gone far too soon once more, I feel I have a better grasp on what is to come. I do believe Wyatt loves me, I know he does, though he still seems unable to completely let go and open up all the way. I know he seems to not see the walls I have built back up or the subtle changes in my holding back a part of me, I see right through him. He is trying, but he is still so distant and this scares me most of all. If neither of us can completely open up to the other and be honest without fear of being chastised, angering the other, or telling each other our feelings are silly..what kind of future do we truly stand to have? After all..how can the things you feel be counted against you or so easily dismissed..emotions though hidden sometimes..speak more truth than any human or demon tongue could ever claim to..

Memoirs of Madness~53

I have heard from others who have kept journals and diaries that you sometimes go back to read what you have written and laugh at how over dramatic things seemed. I am not sure I could feel that way. As my stomach begins to grow, so do my powers, and so does the distance between Wyatt and I. I am still able to hide the pregnancy should I choose to do so, but I am proud of this child, our son, Wyatt's son. I have come to learn that with my anger comes a nifty little power of blowing things up, even when I don't want to, sneezing causes me to be surrounded by these little white orb type things and I wind up in a completely different room than I started in, and if I feel threatened I am suddenly surrounded by this light mist that turns out to be some sort of force field for lack of a better term. I am..invincible. And it makes it so much easier to make excuses to hunt. I can no longer sit still and wait for the time when he will call or decide to come home. I am not sure I can do this at all any longer. I did not sign up for this. Yes, I knew there would be times when life would pull him away from me and I knew it would not be easy. But there is a difference between a small stretch of the truth and a full blown damned lie. I should know. Demons build their lives around them. I..DID..NOT..SIGN..UP...FOR..THIS!! Nowhere did anyone tell me that I would be lucky to see my fiance once a week, no one told me I would feel this damned lonely, or that my powers would go absolutely crazy. I can not distinguish myself from this child and the one person who could truly help me understand is a billion lifetimes away. I have become an expert at hiding my emotions, more so than when I once did before happening upon this city. I had constructed walls that could not or would not be torn down by anyone. Or so I had thought. I have begun constructing them again. I put on a brave face every time I see Shara or Sky..even Willa when I do see her. It is easy enough to do when they all have their own lives they are involved in. I blend in more than I could ever dream possible. The demon who used to stand out and take no shit form anyone is long gone, in her place now stands a demon who has become invisible. And yet..I still dare to anger Wyatt, to bring him home in anger at me for daring to jeopardize my health and that of our unborn child. And still he seems oblivious to why I do this. I, no longer know what I am supposed to do. My head and heart, both whom thought they were finally settled have once again begun to war with each other. Do I let go of a childish woman's dreams or do I hold onto the love of a lifetime?

Memoirs of Madness~52

I am thankful for the things I do have in my life, don't get me wrong. I have heard humans say that god does not give you anymore than you can handle, but I am not exactly what you could refer to as a god fearing human. And you would think that I would be exceptionally happy that Sky and I have slowly begun to talk again and even Shara has let me back into her life as well, but there is something missing. Something Sky, Shara, or even Willa can not fill. Not something..someone. The days have grown excruciatingly long, the nights sleepless and cold. He just seems gone and when he does come home I feel like a child who is being punished for having any emotions. He chastises me for feeling left alone, reminding me that he is doing the best he can. And when he is gone again, far too soon, and another week looms ahead of me without him all I can do is curl up in bed, alone, and cry. I hate feeling vulnerable, I hate feeling needy, but my world is chaos right now and I never have enough time to discuss this with him or how to deal. My powers are a mess, I am not sure what is mine and what is not any longer, the nightmares continue and often times the tears give way to such an inner rage I am afraid of myself. Ugh, I am so angry all of the time and then Wyatt appears and I am simpering little house wife with no real emotions, just an empty shell of myself because I do not want to ruin what little amount of time we have together. What have I become? Who am I? Who has Wyatt become? The same man who confessed all of these things he felt for me has all but fallen off the face of the earth. Do I no longer do it for him? Have I become that woman who is pulled into a marriage simply because I am pregnant? So I become his docile fiancee, pretending the world is a beautiful and perfect place, my inner fire destroyed. And so it has come to pass that I have turned to the only thing that makes sense to me. Hunting. At least as I destroy other demons and such I have a place to put my anger and though some part of me knows I am putting myself and our unborn child in danger, I can not help myself. Because my world as I know it is collapsing. I thought love was so much more than this. What have I done to turn him from me this way? Am I that repulsive? Do I mean so little? And if these are all true, why pretend to love me enough to ask for my hand in marriage? Why pretend you care at all? If all he is concerned with is this child, then I will give birth to the baby, hand the child to his father and walk away..forever. Because I do not believe my heart can do this game any longer. I do not believe I have enough left within me to realize I am nothing to him but a game to occupy his time when he is lonely. I don't believe I have it in me to continue to fight anymore at all and yet this all I do. I have come to realize that hunting does afford me one thing. Somehow, word always gets back to Wyatt about my stupidity. And even I know it is stupidity. Then he comes to me, warns me to quit and I pretend I will because I know he will be gone again, but return when he gets word again. And even know, I don't think he sees it. Even negative attention is better than none at all. Even his anger is more than the nothingness I seem to face night after endless night..

Memoirs of Madness~51

To say the first couple of weeks of our engagement was like heaven would be such a misgiving because I don't know what heaven is like. I do imagine it being much like the first couple of weeks, though. Moments of passion, laughter, and love seemed to flow in abundance, but the time came for all of the duties the Elders needed Wyatt to do became increasingly irritating. He is gone for days at a time. Not a word, not a note, not even a phone call. These days are hardest for me. To go from days upon days with Wyatt to seemingly nothing, though I knew these moments might exist. But, trust me when I say it does not make them any easier. And it is within theses times that I have started to lose much needed sleep. The nightmares are horrible, very real, and far more horrific than any hell bound soul would need to concern themselves with. Every night it is the same, every night someone has taken our child from me, a son I call Matthew in my dreams. I find myself plowing through demon after demon, my clothes and hands drenched in their blood as I fight my way to find my child and the husband who is missing. It is inevitable that I find my husband first, the dream never changing course no matter the choices I make within the confines of my deep sleep. Wyatt is chained, beaten, and broken to a point where he refuses to even look at me. I am not sure if this is because he can not stand the sight of me or wishes to no longer look at me. He insists I go look for our son, that he is of no use and can not help me. And though I may drop to my knees, begging and pleading with him, the shackles are never removed and I am all alone. Sobbing, soaked in demon blood, I leave this man I no longer know and continue to search for our son only to awaken in a cold sweat, sometimes with scratches where a demon may have attacked, my clothes torn, and even once or twice a few bruises have marred my skin. I do not wish to sleep, even though my health and body demands, even though the child growing in me needs me to do so. I am afraid to sleep for fear I may find out what all of this truly means. And as the weeks stretch out in front of me and my belly does as well, ever so slowly, so does the time between visits from Wyatt when he comes home. There is that distinct sinking feeling that I am headed for a fall yet again. Have I become the trophy wife that Dean seemed to make me? Now that you have me, there is no sense in sticking around. Or has he asked me to marry him simply because it is the right thing to do with a baby on the way. There is a deep seated fear in thinking you have yet again followed the wrong path and allowed your heart to lead you astray. But, then your heart reminds you of all the reasons you have taken the risk to begin with...

Memoirs of Madness~50!!!!!!

OH
MY
FUCKING
GOD
..or whomever..this entire night has been surreal! I can't even begin to find the words to write or know where to even start. The right words do not exist in any language to begin to even reflect how I feel. The evening pretty much started off like any other, though I should have seen it, the way Wyatt was preoccupied with something. But, I left it alone at that time, I was simply glad to have some quiet time together and to talk like we used to about nothing in particular. The weather tonight was perfect for a walk to the park, though the threat of rain seemed to loom on the horizon. We walked hand in hand to that one place in the park. That one place where so many memories stood out like they had happened yesterday. The small play area to our left that I had once coerced Wyatt into sliding down the slide with me and to the right the open field where we had lied down to chat for seemingly hours, where I had first challenged him in hand to hand combat to show him he wasn't as tough as he thought he was. It seemed like this park was a place where things began and sometimes ended, but mostly it was memories of good times we had, emotional and physical. Wyatt guides me over to the field, still chatting away and suddenly he grows very quiet as we both stare out over the city lights that we see from here. His hand has left mine and I turn to see what has drawn him to such a silent place. The air leaves my lungs and I would swear to anyone who ever ask me. I couldn't breath. I was frozen to that spot and I could not breath as my eyes gazed upon the man I loved with everything, kneeling before me, a Ruby encrusted engagement ring displayed in a velvet box held open as he locked his gaze with mine. I know my knees went weak, but I held my ground as some of the most beautiful words left that man's lips over the next few moments. I say some only because the first time he said he loved me were the MOST beautiful. Nothing compares to those words, but these, this speech about how he feels and why he feels them..is a extremely close second. I have never seen him so open and so vulnerable as I did tonight. And as I sunk to my knees in front of him, there was only one word I could manage and I wouldn't be damned if it didn't come out in a small choked whisper. I think when these moments happen for women, they plan to answer in these strong dominant type voices, but it so hard when emotion over rides everything and all you can manage is a whispered yes between the tears and the moment you actually begin to breath again. I am getting married and I could not be any happier than I am in this very moment. It was hard to tear myself from my sleeping fiance's arms to write this evening, but how could I not write this all down? It is like how you must pinch yourself to make sure everything is real. And as he slipped the ring on my finger, his lips against mine, the rain came down. How very fitting for it to rain as we kiss, this man who has stolen my heart, the man who had given my first kiss in the rain, a man whom I had made love to in the rain before and did again on this very night. How I wish these words could jump off the page and convey all the happiness I feel. Not that I am so sure that anyone will ever read these thoughts that come from my head and onto paper, but if they ever did I would want them to see that giving up is never an option. What is meant to be is meant to be. And when you love someone..giving up on that love is never an option either. I know we still have obstacles to over come and life will not always be a bed of roses, but I love this man, he makes me feel alive, makes me hope for better things for myself, makes me love him more with each passing breath. For him alone would I pull the stars from the sky, die a thousand deaths, and search every lifetime for his soul in another just to be near him. I, Ruby, wanted demon, am not only carrying Wyatt's child...I am getting married to him as well! Whatever higher power is responsible for guiding lives, be it the fates, god, or someone else...thank you..for granting this demon, this woman her every waking wish and her every sleeping dream..