Memoirs of Madness~4

I find that my own thoughts tire me out and I can't get everything down in one shot. We walked through the park after our little game last night. It is why I was unable to write about the words like love and heartbreak last night. My thoughts are too scattered, at best, to comprehend the fact that these emotions could even be a part of my vocabulary. I do not know for sure that I am quite comfortable with words like "love at first sight" or "falling in love". Am I even allowed such things? Does it truly matter when his heart belongs to another. In the same night that we are consumed for passion for each other, he also pushes me away, declaring with words like "I'm sorry" or "I can't". These things further tear my thoughts apart. Why is it okay for one moment and not okay for the next. I see it in his eyes, the things he is not telling me, but in the next instant he seems distant and almost cold. I love how he makes me feel when I am with him, despite the confusion. But I knew it in the moment we said good bye last night, when I watched him walk away after it became too hard to continue to deny each other a simple touch or kiss. This man will break me, my heart if possible or maybe my will, I am unsure of which, but he will do it. And I am unable to turn my back and stop the inevitable. I meant the words I said to him, that his friendship is more than i could ever ask for, that if that was the only way to keep him in my life, then I would settle for this. But can I now, is this even a possibility. Maybe I am falling..I am so far in over my head with no way back out. I had a dream last night, at least I think I did, the remnants were fast receding the moment I woke from slumbering. I can't remember ever dreaming, or even sleeping for that matter. I find myself no longer thinking in terms of being a creature, but of actually being someone. I no longer think in black and white, now there are many shades of gray for my thoughts to gather in. It's as if I did not exist before Wyatt..will I exist after..when he no longer needs for me to keep him company. I am sure his lover, Chris, will realize the error of his ways and Wyatt will be back where his heart belongs. As much as I would truly like to believe it belongs with me..I fear I am merely only a passing fancy. Why this thought makes me feel slightly ill, I am unsure of just yet. So I will live for these moments, hold every moment near that we are allowed to spend together before Wyatt finds the happiness he so much deserves, back to where his heart lies...

Memoirs of Madness~3

Truth or Dare.
A simple and seemingly innocent game turned upside down by the minds of two consenting adults. If there was ever any question as to whether Wyatt knew my true nature, the question no longer lingers as I took possession of his body momentarily. Using his own hands under my guidance to move along his body. An easy enough dare to try and turn him on without actually using my hands to touch him. The words, the teasing, both various forms of foreplay that I am quickly learning to grow accustomed to. It was only a mere moment or two once I was back in my current body for the passion to take over and led us both astray again. There is not one night that we are not together that it does not end in passion. This man who loves passionately and argues just as passionately, does not live this way and I do not understand why. I would give him everything if he would only be mine and let me be his. But he clings to the one who has chosen to not be as present as Wyatt would like him to be. And I speak as a woman would speak of someone who has so completely consumed every moment of her life, waking and sleeping. I do not know how in such a short amount of time I have grown to be intrigued with this man. Intrigued enough to consider not leaving this city of San Francisco and I am, by all accounts not someone who would give up my nomadic ways. There is too much work to be done, too much evil to dispose of, and now I feel that I grow selfish. I want to be here, I want to be near this man, and what I want..I will go after. Our moments of passion have given way to hours of talking about nothing in particular. He makes me feel so..normal..human. I catch myself, when I am not with him, watching other couples walk together as they hold hands, kissing each other with no care as to who will see and I have to shake myself back to reality. Can this truly be the kind of life I could someday have with someone who will accept me for what I am, with all my history. It is not easy to be a traitor to my kind, to believe that I can change things for the better, to feel, to want..To want someone who may find me as nothing more than a mere distraction. The idea of Wyatt going back to him, to the one who seems to not have time for Wyatt, causes a strange sensation in my chest. It tightens and I almost find it hard to breathe. But these things are for me alone to feel, I dare not share them for chance of being..no, it is not something I am capable of. No one hurts me..not for centuries now. I do not have a heart to break...

Memoirs of Madness~2

Pure. Raw. Animalistic. 
Like a moth to a flame I was drawn back. I suppose it was inevitable that I couldn't stay away, any fool could have figured that out. Though he drives me to bouts of near insanity with his holier than thou attitude, the intrigue was born the moment we met. Like the curiosity that killed the cat, I needed to know more. And now his touch, his kisses, his unmatched passion by any lover I have ever known, is seared into my soul for eternity. And my words are not lost on me, for no demon possesses its soul, and surely not the capacity to understand emotions of any kind. Don't let my given nature fool you, I struggle with the dark side of who or what I am surely as an human who has dark desires, but I assure anyone who would ask that I somehow have found noble intentions within myself as well. There was nothing noble that came from my going to him tonight, seeking out his company, urging him to our battle of words once more. I know what he is now, a guardian of witches, a whitelighter, a guardian angel to some I am sure. But there was no guardian angel this evening and my body still hums with electricity, if I close my eyes I can still feel his scorching touch on my skin as he literally ripped each piece of clothing from my body and I did not hesitate to return this favor as my hands were allowed to briefly explore what I could before he was buried within me. This man is a contradiction unto himself. He presents a hard, cold, noble front to the world, but there is something deeper to this man. It is something, I believe no one has bothered to uncover. How could his present lover leave him to his own devices and not want to be by his side every waking moment. I can not fathom Wyatt's lover leaving him so alone. But to contemplate such ideas leads me to believe should his lover had not left him alone, I would have not tasted the forbidden fruit such as I have tonight. And now this man I try to tell myself to despise has me..dare I say addicted after two meetings of the minds..and now the body as well. I hunger for more of him, more knowledge of the person he hides from the world, and more knowledge of the passion he seems to keep caged within himself. I do not know what I would do if the world should not afford me any more of him. Would I move forward and continue my existence as I always have, moving from one town to the next, or would I tear this ungodly world apart searching for him? I have stumbled upon a stranger within myself with all of these new questions and dare I say..feelings? Is that even possible? And what if he were to know what I truly am? Or does already know? Someone as powerful as he is must have truly sensed it the moment we met..and now my questions are too many and this strange light fluttery feeling in the pit of my stomach as I think of him has become too much. The night is young..the hunt is calling to me..there are innocent people to protect..anything to quiet my mind from so many things I suddenly do not understand...

Memoirs of Madness~1 {{revised}}

Wyatt Halliwell.
The name alone makes me want to scream with rage. He is the most arrogant son of a bitch I have ever met in my entire existence! And if anyone were to ever get their hands on any of my rantings I have so skillfully hidden over the centuries, they would discover just how long that existence has been thus far. I pride myself in keeping cool until I can no longer hold back the rage, but this human male will be my undoing. Not since I was put in charge of those wretched Winchester brothers, Dean in particular, have I wanted to hit a man simply for being a man. Oh, at first, he appears like an angel or perhaps someone the gods themselves have formed. But I assure you this man is no angel. I must have paced the small motel room for several hours in a complete rage before calming down to a small boil. Charming, at first, he unleashes a torrid of words that come across as smug, making him feel like a superior being! How dare he think he is above me! Does he not know who he is dealing with! I shall see him again and let him know just what a fierce creature I am and can not be toyed with! No..I take that back..I shall not see him again, lest my fury be unleashed upon him. Though arrogant, smart mouthed, and in belief that he is god's gift to women and men..he is an innocent..and something more, though I can not quite put my finger on it.
Of course it was game on from moment one that he opened his mouth, especially when the conversation focused on smiles, toothpastes, and minty fresh breath. I should be above such petty and cute games, but I found myself reacting like a lovesick school girl. The cheerleader with the crush on the high school jock. How could I allow myself to fall into such a trap, a trap where my focus became his mouth, the trap that wouldn't let me deny him or I the opportunity to test  just how well the damned toothpaste worked. I wanted to drown myself in his kisses the moment it happened. His lips like manna from heaven, the type of things I am forbidden from for an eternity. By all things unholy, where did this man learn to kiss, to make a woman feel such things by the mere brushing of lips or the small stroke of a tongue, a well placed hand...an experiment, my ass. This man challenges me at every step and carries a smug smile the moment I seem to surrender any part of myself at all. What a fool he is to think he will ever have me eating out of the palm of his hand.
Wyatt Halliwell.
How can one man command so much of my attention though he is not in front of me. How can his name cause me to rail against him and yet his name is like honey on my lips. His voice and face taunt me when I close my eyes, forbidding me to rest, and these strange mixed feelings are unnerving me. I shall go see him again..demand his respect..and I will show him that no one can best me at my own game of words! If were not for my words being written now, I would be continuing to pace the floors of this small room, or out hunting my own kind to find some sort of release from all of this..this..humans would call it pent up aggression..or is it tension. Ugh..I am done with these nonsensical emotions! A demon does not feel or need for such trivial things! I shall shove this wretched human from my thoughts and think of him no more..I have much more important things to accomplish..demons to kill..and avoid being killed by my own kind as well. I will not be bound to the confines of hell ever again...yes, Wyatt is nothing more than an irritating insect to be swatted away...

Badass Ruby

This post is merely in preparation for those who nothing about the role playing site of Bebo and a small bit of background history about the character whose point of view I will be writing from. All you fellow Beboers, I am sorry if this bores you, but bear with me because I am not sure who reads my blogs and wan to be fair so they can understand where Ruby comes from.
Bebo is a role playing site where people create characters either from a movie/television show or a non canon character, a character they create completely from their minds. And I must not forget that their are anime characters and book characters as well included in these characters. It's a means of escape, fun, a chance for some creative writing and use of imagination, and an amazing way to meet new friends from all over the world! I am sure everyone has their own opinions about being a role-player on Bebo, but I truly believe that no matter how you choose your character, sooner or later some part of you is going to take over that character and make it your own. There are no dialogues or scripts written out and you never know from day to day where your character is going to wind up. I am going on four years of role playing Ruby and she has definitely become a bit of reflection on who I am.
Ruby, Ruby, Ruby..she is the original Ruby form Supernatural. Sorry, Gen, but as far as I am concerned, Katie Cassidy is the only one who rocked that role! Ruby is a demon who is constantly at war with herself. The good versus evil scenario rages within her, the good usually winning out, but now and again her true nature peeks out. She had partners throughout her existence since The Black Plague, taking over various bodies as it suited her, but never would she attach herself to anyone. Companionship is a bizarre enough thing for demons, let alone falling in love. Enter Wyatt Halliwell, from the television show Charmed, who turns everything she thought she knew into chaos. Thus begins a whirlwind romance of heart break and epic proportions over the next three years...going on four now.
One must remember that in Bebo-land..anything can happen! Demons can fall in love and have children, all the things that go bump in the night do exist, and if you can imagine it..it can be done. So, I hope anyone who reads my "excerpts" from Ruby's memoirs will enjoy it half as much as I feel "geeked' about doing it. Because I haven't really been too excited to creatively write for a long time! So..I can honestly say welcome to badass_ruby's world! {{My url for Bebo :p}}

  

Between A Rock And A Hard Place

Poor little guy, I wonder if he can jump that high or if he has the potential to? Kind of like some of us once in a while. Do we have the potential to make that leap of faith or are we grounded by any number of fears when it comes to making that leap. 
I have worked at my current place of employment for several years, going on year number 5, if I remember correctly. And it's a job that I have for the most part, always enjoyed. Of course, now and again we all have bad days and swear we are going to call in dead or simply part ways with our current employment situation. {{I have found calling dead doesn't work so well}} I saw this picture and found it perfect for my current situation. I am trying to stick out, knowing no other job will start me out at what I am making now, at least not any job I come across so far. Sadly, money plays a factor. I still have bills to pay...damn this world for creating such an ugly thing as bills! Trust me, I have done some searching and applying. Now, don't get me wrong, it's not a horrible and ugly place to work for..it's a very good company and for the most part, I love the people I work with. As much as a pessimist as I am, I am not an overly negative person. I am only negative when it comes to myself, in and out of the work place. I am doing my best to curb any "wrong" emotions or "feelings" while at work, but the place seems rampant on negative feelings and no..it's not all on me. Though, I have been told I set the tone. I get that..so I am trying to remain cheerful and as upbeat as possible. But it's hard, not only on me, but on others who have spoken of the same. One can only take so many negative comments about you're not exactly good enough {{not necessarily in those words}} before you absolutely wonder why are you here? No matter how crappy the work day or how smoothly things ran, it boils down to pleases and thank you's, commending on a job well done, and some correcting on how to make things go better. And by correcting I don't mean making someone feel like utter crap, making them cry, or making them feel less than a person. Just a thought...
Anyhow, moving on from my little "take this job and shove it" rant..I have felt a slight stirring of the muse. She actually had a brill idea early this morning at 3 am when she should have remained quiet. She has a weird way of showing up at the worse times. I want to work on my writing again and am considering using my Bebo roleplay character as I have mentioned before. I am considering writing pages from her "diary". Not that demons keep diaries or journals, but my character was never quite like others of her kind. So..if you see a post with a pic of Katie Cassidy, titled Memoirs of Madness...it will be one of my attempts at channeling my muse!

The Human Touch

I have neglected writing the past few days, but not because I have a shortage of things to rant about or simply speak of. My sleeping habits are terribly askew from working nights and most of the time I don't know if I am tired or simply don't feel like functioning on my off times. Mind you, the person who committed suicide was someone I only met briefly a couple of times. It's a gentle, or not so gentle reminder of how fragile life is, as well as the car accident of a dear friend. And it got me to thinking about the extreme situations and the not so extreme, the every day life comings and goings. How often do we neglect a simple smile, or the niceties of helping someone with something simple liking holding a door open. let's try the simple acknowledgement of each other in our daily routines. Yes..I am suffering from the last. Not that I am perfect in all things that I am speaking of, we all could strive to so much better. I am talking the simplicity of being human, of trying to not hurt others on purpose, or purposely causing others to feel shoved aside. Mind you, I understand the complexities of every day life weighing us down, taking us away, and causing us distractions. But I also know that you never know what your last words to someone might be, whose life you may save by a simple smile and asking how they are, a slightly wounded heart might be mended with a few simple words of acknowledgement to let them know they are not forgotten. It's a basic human necessity to be "touched". And no, those of you with minds in the gutter..back it up! :o I am talking about touching someone's life with the easiest of things. Yes, you only live once..YOLO..as everyone is calling out these days. But it should not be at the expense of hurting each other, denying each other certain creature comforts, forgetting about the "little" people who do things for you every day..It's such a basic idea..even if the Bible is not your thing..."do unto others as you would have done unto you." How about combining the YOLO with that? After all, you don't always know someone's story and what life may or may not have thrown at them in the past twenty four hours...