Memoirs of Madness~35

If I haven't said it before, I shall say it again. I am a fool to the nth degree. Why do I do this to myself? Why does any woman do this to herself? It's not like I went and did something irreparably damaging or stupid, but maybe in my heart or is it my mind that is making me feel that I have. Maybe, that is what it is. It is a betrayal of the heart. I am glad to be spending the evening in my own home this evening, even glad that Shara is out, most likely partying it up. Possibly, I should consider doing the same and lose myself in the alcohol again so I can't sit here and have this pity party for myself or continue to punish myself for things I can not help. The heart is in control of itself. It does not listen to truths or facts, it does not care if the path it is on may cause it to self destruct, it does not heed to your angry words as it disobeys what you thought you were feeling. 
Over him!
So completely done, moved on, figured things out, and had settled into a good life over the past couple of months!
That's right, that's all it freaking took..a couple of months and we were talking again. Which, is okay. People talk, ex-lovers become friends sometimes, people move past the hurts and can be amicably towards one another. After all Sky moved past and saw clear to allow me back into his heart again.
Remember the fool to the nth degree...god...what an idiot I am to think it would be okay to see him in passing. To let him pet Maltease and chat with me like we were old friends wishing each other well. I should burn in hell for the betrayal my heart is. 
I am so not over him...I never was..and now..I am beginning to believe that some part of em never will be. It was good to see him, to talk, to know he is doing well or at least pretending for my sake he is doing well. And I am, doing well that is...in all honesty. Things for Sky and I are good now, amazing even, but then enter Wyatt and all I could wish is for one more soft touch of his hand to my cheek. One more kiss for old times sake, his lips warm and demanding against mine. One more look that says I need you..and I know in that deep secret well that most women keep hidden from all others in their lives, even their best friends...I know in that deep dark place I would drop everything to be there for him if he even so much as seemed to need me. I don't know what to do now. To never speak again would seem harsh and unfair to him as he seems have moved forward now, to be enjoying his life. We have decided to hang out..as friends..to at least try..because above all else we still do care. But not I...I still love him deeply..madly..Do I deny our friendship on the grounds that I am a gutless horrible wench. Or do I suck it up and torture myself. Maybe this is my punishment, maybe hell has decided to find its own form of torture here on earth as well. With such thoughts I deserve some form of punishment, because it is a betrayal to Sky as well. I wish someone would tell me what the rules are for this? There is only one way to avoid any of this and that is to let myself be beckoned completely to the dark side to avoid Sky and Wyatt both, but I can't. I can't give up all I have fought for to gain to this point. Maybe this friendship thing will work, maybe spending time with Wyatt and realizing he feels nothing more than that for me will take the ache away and I will realize this is all for best. That Wyatt and I don't belong together..that whatever mystery has always seemed to pull us together is telling me this is how I finally let go...