Memoirs of Madness~69

It's nights like this I find myself absorbed in memories. I am not sure that this is such a good thing. Matthew sleeps soundly in his little crib and it is like watching an angel. And Wyatt is working, I am unsure if he will go speak to Chris tonight or not as well. I am not even sure at times he ever intends to. I don't know what tears him apart more. Choosing between us or knowing he has already made his choice, yet again, but is afraid of telling one of us good bye. As I settle back and let my mind wander, it seems every memory is as crystal clear as the memories of Paris. From that first meeting where I couldn't be sure if I wanted to choke the man lifeless or beg him to take me up against the wall with every ounce of passion he kept bottled up. There were nights of passion in those first nights coupled with hours of talking about anything and everything we could talk about. I felt things I could not understand, things I began to learn were jealousy, need, want, and even love. Though many would laugh at the idea of love at first sight I would have to shake my head and tsk them. It does happen. Though rare it may be. It is possible. I was so consumed in those first days..weeks..and even months with the mere thought of him. Even when he left to go back to Chris, I was still consumed. I am still consumed, but more with loving him so completely than the ache that never seemed to go away back then. Now when he is away from the hole is much larger than I ever could have imagined. An imagining that I hope does not leave me finding out that what I thought might have changed us in Paris was merely illusion. I can only be cut deeply so many times before I can no longer bleed or live again. How many times have I said never again in reference to Wyatt and allowing him to hold my heart so firmly. How many times did say I was done with love, especially after the marriage with Dean and how I broke Sky's heart only to have mine broken in return. I remember how I fought to regain my humanity shortly before falling pregnant with Matthew, losing my powers and becoming what I considered a weak human like creature. Not that I believe the human race to be weak, only that I found myself for the first time in centuries unable to defend myself. It is a time easily forgotten because I gave up the weakness soon enough in order to protect our son and Wyatt as well. The memories are only forced to the front when people ask how Matthew gained his father's powers and none of his mother's. But it quickly lost in the shuffle of memories again as this is all I have ever really known, The demon that resides within me. This demon that has been through several heart breaking break ups, a screwed up marriage, a lover who I was forced to deal with as a teenager and a woman when his spells went haywire, people who hated me for my choices, and hating myself for always only ever wanting the one man who made me passionate about everything. I smile as I think of Wyatt's proposal when I was pregnant with Matthew, how the world felt right, and how there was nothing more that I wanted out of life, but then I am also forced to remember that he was never around and it all led to me saying good bye first, this time. No one in this world or the next will ever understand what it took for me to make that decision or how much it hurt. And all I wanted was for him to try harder. To fight for me. In the end I think most of us would like this. To have someone who is willing to fight against all odds to maintain that love and to always find a way to make each other happy. By the gods how I hurt after that when he so easily let me go. I can write of heart ache, broken hearts, depression, sadness, and all the in between of those feelings, but nothing will tear you apart and break you down into little pieces more than when the one you love seems to turn his back on you because it is much easier. I know I hurt him and broke his heart as well, but the only thing I learned in that one single moment was that i was not good enough. But they say hope is an amazing thing or maybe it is faith. I am not sure which I had buried somewhere inside of me, but as I have said..it is hard to stop a force of a nature that can not be controlled. And Wyatt is a force of nature, he always manged to be there even in our times apart. Even when Lilith burned the only home I had ever known to the ground, he was there. I wanted to bury her underneath the rubble that had been my place, but in my pregnant state even I knew it was folly to go up against her and risk the baby. And there he was, like a damned knight in shining armor, calling upon his magic to make things right again. To put my home back together. That's what he does and that is who he is. Always somehow managing to feed my hope or faith that we belong together. Rather he intentionally is trying or not. There are so many other memories that crowd my mind, dealing with our son coming back form the future, his attempts at retrieving my soul, the day he gave me Maltease as a gift, the first time he asked me to marry him, the birth of our son, his patience with me in all things, how we always find our way back to each other, and Paris. My heart aches tonight with all of these memories, some good and some that can still dredge up old hurts. I don't deliberately try to hold onto these bad thought as they come rushing into my head, but when history has a tendency to repeat itself..it is hard not to wonder if it will happen again. And it is hard not to wonder just how many times a heart can break before it shatters for the last time. I love this man and I have loved him since day one. My life is with him and with no one else. If Paris and all these past years have taught me nothing else, this I know for certain. I have always known it, but now I will live life on my own if it is not with him. No one else can fill that place next to me and I will no longer attempt to fill it. No matter how this story ends...

Memoirs of Madness~68// Part 3~Paris

Melancholy.
I think that is the only way to describe my feelings right now. All I do is stay home with Matthew, unless he is with Wyatt and then I am quite alone except for Maltease. Paris weighs heavy on my mind every day. I don't know how long I can take this sneaking around in secret after being in Paris, free to be whomever we chose to be. Surely, I did not declare my love to him from a top of the Champs d'Elysee monument for nothing. And surely he did not return the sentiment just to appease me. Something will have to change sooner or later, and I mean that from the bottom of my heart. Yet, I stand stuck in a place where I am unsure where to turn. One day we are unbound, free, declaring our love for each other without any cares or worries and the next...he is withdrawn, secretive, worried and all the playfulness is gone. It breaks my heart. I want to go back to Paris right this very minute, to pack up Matthew and leave all of this behind, to run away with Wyatt and never look back. It's hard to feel the romance when we only see each other in my place. No longer allowed to walk hand in hand, to eat dinner together at  nice restaurant, or to share a lover's kiss no matter where we are. Yet, I cherish every moment we are together. I try to sooth his fears, assure him things will work their way out, but it is hard when even I don't know. I don't know if the things that changed us in Paris, that bond that seemed to strengthen is enough for him to break free. Though, I must hang my head in shame for I am not truthful to every one either. I hide what is going on from everyone. Sky asks if I am seeing anyone and I smile slightly and nod my head, but refrain from telling him I am seeing and simply reply that nothing is concrete. That I don't know if things will work out. I am not sure if this gives him false hope or not, surely he must know by now that I am no good for him. These days I am no good for myself either. I only survive and manage because Matthew needs me to. And because I simply can not imagine a life without him or Wyatt as art of it. I know Wyatt comes as often as he can and stays as many nights as he possibly can, but I can't imagine the strain this puts on me for his lies are far more and far greater than mine are. If I am honest with myself, I know that more than once in the days since we have been home I have thought about letting Wyatt go, telling him doesn't have to make a choice, telling him I can't bear to see him so embroiled in all this turmoil. But something in the way he looks at me as we lie together, the way he kisses my forehead or holds me in his arms..I can not bring myself to tell him to go. To tell him I know he loves me, but making him choose is not fair. It's partially to save him the sadness that I want to say these words and I know it is partially because it scares the hell out of me that he might stay with Chris. I can sit and tell the world in these pages that I would have my heart broken a million times over by this man and still not give up on him but I am beginning to wonder how much can one heart take? Can I really face another heart break. One that, this time, I would have to suffer in silence. I am a demon. I should have no heart. I should have no soul or the remnants of one to make me feel all these things. I should not have a child with the man I love, adore, and would lay down my existence for. I am a demon. My heart beats faster every time he is near and can be broken like any other creature who can experience love. I must retain some part of a soul or the memories of one because I feel so much more than I should be allowed. The child I watch sleep before me is a soul created out of true love and I weep at how perfect he is. I am a demon and I am human..because I would trade everything I am to make sure the two of them are always happy..with..or without me..

Memoirs of Madness~67// Part 2~Paris

To say I am giddy is an understatement. I am such a ball of energy since arriving here. My mind won't slow down it's thought processes long enough to allow me to catch a breath. I sit here watching him sleep, my notebook settled on my lap as I listen to the even sounds of his breathing. I had given up the idea of soul mates and "meant to be" romances long ago, but there must be something of the truth behind the concept. I can no longer believe that Wyatt and I constantly drawn together for no reason at all. We are like an unstoppable force of nature when things are good between us. Unfortunately, this is Paris. Home will be another matter all together. But for now, there will always be Paris. We spent the afternoon playing like lovers do and I forbade myself to speak any more of what all of this meant, what would happen after Paris. I forbid myself to consider I was headed for another broken heart. The evening, when the city lit up and came to life, found us on top of the Eiffel Tower, Wyatt's arms wrapped around me securely from behind as we watched fireworks off of the Seine River. I can be honest with the fact that my heart saddened at how perfect this all felt and how right it seemed to be. And knowing, on the other hand it was so wrong. One thing about my time spent with Wyatt that I could always count on was that we were happy. And we didn't just love each other, we were in love with each other and still are. No matter how much either of us may deny it or even at times doubt the other, it was there. It was moments like these, combined with everything else that came with being with Wyatt, that kept me coming back. Here, I could see in his eyes and in his actions, the person he could be if he allowed himself that luxury. Not about to let the moment go unsurpassed without something even more spectacular, he guided me to the other side of the tower where not a single person lingered. From this side there were no spectacular fireworks to be seen. Diving from the top floor of the Eiffel Tower and watching the ground reach up to race you is not for the faint of heart. Though, I must be honest in saying I closed my eyes the moment Wyatt, with me secure in his arms, managed to jump from the tower. Somewhere midway, my scream was cut off by the worse sort of fear that we were about to die. Only to open my eyes, with my body safely against the ground and the this big giant of man, grinning from ear to ear, covering his body with mine. He was like a kid in a candy store as I chastised him, though part way down he had orbed us to safety. It is the difference between night and day to see him like this and I couldn't help but grin back at him. We finished the night off atop the Arc de Triomphe on the Champs de Elysee yelling at the top of our lungs of our love for each other. Again, the moments are nothing but undeniable joy and happiness, but the twinge settles in my heart and causes it to ache. I say we will always have these moments no matter what happens next, but to have to give them up still threads your mind with fear. I think we should bring Matthew here with us and simply live our lives out in Paris. But I know to utter such words would bring a reprimand from Wyatt. There are things that must be attended to back home if we are truly to be together. I can feel deep down that something has shifted, something has changed for both of us, that this time is not the same. I simply don't know what that means at this time..what have we shifted to? This is it..this is when we finally get it right..or this is truly it..our last big fling? Even I can't believe that one..it's hard to stand against nature..when nature wants to run it's course... 

Memoirs Of Madness~66// Part 1~Paris

Paris.
The past few nights have been a whirlwind and my head is still spinning. I am not sure I can get all of my thoughts out in one night. Or sort them all out in one writing! Amazing  heartbreaking, scary, crazy, and probably a million other emotions could round out what has happened recently. A few nights ago, Willa and I were out riding her broom, and yes I said broom, trying to forget the hardships of life and find some sort of release. Me, I simply wanted out and away. A chance to breathe and be myself, a chance to figure things out. Wyatt and I started out by talking, but slowly moved into our old routine, secretly seeing each other. I know I am like six million times the fool, but I could never make anyone see or understand the hold this man has on me, the depth of love my heart holds for him. I think he could break my heart a million times and a million times more I would go back to him. The heart knows what it wants even at the peril of being broken. But the secrecy was wearing on me. After all, what good is your love for someone if it can't be shared? With nothing better to do, Willa finally managed to wind up on the top of the Golden Gate Bridge just hanging out. And I told her I needed a break, to get away from everything. Matthew was with Wyatt for a few days so it was the perfect opportunity. Her answer was to leave me alone on top of that damned bridge. Have I mentioned how damned much I hate heights. I suppose I could have shimmer, but after a few drinks I tend to not travel magically so well. I suppose I would have been fine if I would have tried, but I called for Willa to get her ass back and then Wyatt's name fell from my lips. He had once been my Whitelighter and it seemed natural to call on him for help, not that I truly expected him to show. But there he stood, larger than life and looking like my damned savior, or even an angel, as far as I was concerned. He had that damned smirk he had seems to wear when he knows I am less than happy. As if my pissiness is his entertainment. All I said was I wanted out of here, meaning off the bridge , of course. We wound up in Paris, in a room using a stolen identity after I dressed as a butler and him a bell hop. With Matthew safely with Wyatt's mother, we had a few days to ourselves. Our first day was spent, "securing" ourselves a room and then heading out for clothes shopping. Considering neither of us brought clothes with us, we were in dire need of something other than our "costumes". Wyatt is another person when it is him and I and no one else around. He tried on clothes that had me laughing so hard I thought I would pee myself. He was fun, he was carefree, he was himself. Or the self I knew he could be if he would let down his walls. This was what I wanted, this was what I was searching for, this was the two of us loving each other with no inhibitions. This..was Wyatt enjoying life without that dark look in his eyes holding him back. Once finished shopping and me with my red beret atop my hair, we walked along the Seine River watching people enjoying snacks. I tried to let go of everything and not worry about things back home or our situation, but it was like the elephant in the room. It was so frustrating trying to talk to him about what we were going to do because he had no answers. My words, my questions took the light from his eyes. But just as the words took the light from his eyes, the lack of his answers tore at my heart. I say I would go back to him a million times over, but to hide my love, to always be unsure of how he really feels took the light from my own eyes. As much as I would always go back, I always hate myself for knowing it will be in secret. Our conversation brought us both down as we got sandwiches to take to the park, continuing our walk. Though our words were few and we were quiet for a time, Paris is infectious when it comes to lovers. It is hard to not be a part of all of it. There was nothing to compare to kissing Wyatt in the middle of Paris, the Eiffel Tower in the background, people smiling at us, the two of us not hiding our affections or love for each other. And this was only the afternoon of the first day of our visit. We had yet to worry about the fact that when we returned home that public displays of affection would once again be forbidden..

Memoirs Of Madness~65

It all became too much at some point this evening. I thank the gods, fates, or whomever for Matthew's great aunt Phoebe, Wyatt's aunt. She has been a life saver whenever I needed a few moments to myself now and again. No questions asked, maybe a concerned look or two, but she never pries and I am thankful for this. I like the walls around me because they are safer. At least I thought they were until I packed the last box of a few things had left behind. It seemed my whole life unraveled at that moment, though I held it together until Phoebe came and took Matthew back to the Halliwell Manor. Then I found myself at the beach in nothing but shorts and a tee shirt. As late as it was I should have had something more on because I was chilled to the bone and yet..I could not feel it. I have nothing left to give anymore. I have lost myself in this game I have played over the past few years, thinking I could find my humanity and cling tightly to it, but I have failed over and over again. Love no longer exists in my world and I had decided that Matthew should be brought up by his name sake's family. I have no legacy to leave him with but bitterness, anger, loneliness  and heartache. I wasn't sure why I had come here, what my intentions seemed to be because the tears refused to fall, but the pain refused to let go. I wanted to scream and vent, but to whom. There was no one to hear me, no one to tell me things would eventually be all right..that I would also be all right.
And, like an angel, without wings he was there. My guardian angel, the man who plagued my dreams constantly, who made my thoughts a living hell to deal with on an almost daily basis. I had told no one that Sam had left, but there Wyatt stood in front of me with that look on his face. Not pity, but the look that says he somehow knows. How does he do that? How does he always know exactly when to show up even when I have kept my entire crumbling world to myself. I want to hate him, hate him because it's easier than the wave of emotions that suddenly flood me and break the dam that had been keeping everything together. Strangely, he doesn't even have to ask or speak a single world and I unleash all the fury and pain that is inside of me. I cry, I scream, I sob, and I scream some more as I come at him with fists to beat against his chest as I straddle him on the ground. I can't even remember how we had got into that position all I knew was that my rage was directed at him. If he had simply been around and not so busy, i would still be his and none of this would be happening. I wouldn't feel so used for what seemed like the millionth time in a few years. And he remained silent and he remained still until I was spent and had nothing left in me but the gut wrenching sobs I couldn't stop. The kind that shake your entire body. And then he simply held me as I declared through my sobs how I was finished with love..how it was no longer something I wished to be a part of. I know he told me I was foolish, that I couldn't give up as he soothed me. And I know other things were said, I know I woke a short time ago in my own bed with no knowledge of how I got there. I am finished with it all anyhow..except for Matthew. I can not turn my back on him and Wyatt...
I love him. And if god does exist he is a cruel cruel being to allow me to love that man the way I do. Even now, the passion burns hotter than the sun and I can't breathe when I am near him. And yet, I turn my back on him because I have no choice. He made his choice and it was not me. Only Wyatt can still break the walls with a simple look, without a single word. A single touch makes me tremble, when he held me I wished that I could damn myself a hundred times over to be rid of the way I feel about him. It has been a few years since we first met, several heartaches later, and I want him more today than I ever did. He is punishment. Hell was only a precursor to the true torture of this demon's soul..a love I can never touch, never hold, never call my own, and never feel the all the consuming beautiful fire of his passion again. Yes..this is my own personal hell and I helped to create it..

Memoirs Of Madness~64

I knew it would come to this, deep in the very pit of my stomach it sat like a stone. And yet, one can not fathom the effects it still had on me. So many angry words, so much shouting, accusing, and so many lies exposed. And for once in my miserable little existence, I wasn't the one knee deep in the lies and even when he as exposed for the liar he was and fro the truths I had found out, Sam still continued to lie. The lies and truths no longer matter, the pain of knowing I am incapable of being loved does matter. I write once more with my son tucked sweetly in his bed, grateful that his grandmother Piper had him in her care during the angry out burst that ended with Sam leaving with words that still sting like a son of a bitch. He hopes I get everything I deserve..trust me these were not the words of a man wishing anyone well. I am tired of crying, I am sick of making mistake after mistake, I grow weary of the pain I should not feel for I am not supposed to have a heart, and most of all I am finished with love and its hateful games. Love is an illusion created by man, a fairy tale that does not exist. There is no white knight or happily ever after. There are no soul mates or truth to the words that there is someone for everyone. There is only this bitterness that always leaves one battered and worn down to nothing and the other moving on to live a life full of sunshine and happiness. For Matthew I am the sunshine, even if it is forced and faked, in the quiet hours of the night the bitterness continues to take root and the anger to begin it's consummation of me. An anger I do not know how to place or react to because this is all my fault. I am too needy, I ask too much, I am unlovable and I force people to think I am lovable. I have hurt people in this quest for love and this is what happens..karma comes back around. How can I raise a child to love unconditionally when I am not even sure what the meaning of the word is. The darkness is so much more appealing now than it ever has been, yet I won't give in. I will swallow my pride and continue forth. No one has to know of these things. I am good at building walls and keeping people out, keeping them from my true emotions. I am a liar born and bred in the depths of hell and this should be a piece of cake, yet how long can I continue with the lie that Sam is another hunt and I am not sure when he will be home. After all, I have no one I really see much of anymore. Willa, Sky, Shara, and eve Wyatt have their own lives they are busy with. I see them all only once in a while. And Wyatt is more concerned with his son when I see him than with me..so hard can it be to suck up the misery and pain of a life I was meant to have. After all..anyone I have cared for or loved I have either hurt or driven away. A demon's path is lonely..it always has been and for me..it always will be..

Memoirs Of Madness~63

History repeats itself. And in my case it repeats itself over and over and over again. I have watched the truth in these words over the centuries of my existence. Fashions come back around, fads fade away and find themselves popular again after so long, murderers still murder, hate still runs rampant, and wars are still fought because humans never learn from their mistakes. It seems I never learn either. Of course to everyone who knows me or even when we are out in public together we put on one grand show, Sam and I as if all is well. And even when I fail at being the consummate actress, no one pays attention anyhow. Not that I need them to. Not that I need anyone else to point out what I failure I seem to be. I sit in Matthew's room now, watching him sleep as I write these words, he is the only comfort in my life, the only thing I have not done wrong. And yet I worry that somehow I will damage him as well. It's been four months since Sam's proposal of marriage and since then things have slowly gone down hill. The story is the same. Duty calls, there are other things more important, and I am not one of them. What is it about me that drives them all the way? What is it about me that I drove away the person who would have stayed no matter what? I search for the answers to these questions and so much more since Willa's birthday party. I couldn't do it. I can't pretend anymore that I feel that giving up is the only real answer here. I am unlovable. I am a trophy to be won and then put upon the shelf. I will only ever be the other woman, the mistress, the whore in most men's life if I allow them in. But no more will I allow it. The next time Sam walks out the door will be his last. He will no longer be welcomed in this home. It is either myself or his honor bound duty. I know already which will win and so I sit with my anger and my hurt and the tired that now surrounds me. I only continue on for Matthew, but will no longer continue on for the love of any man. The one who would have stood by my side deserves much better than I could ever give him. And I know that there is a part of me that will always belong to Matthew's father and so I know now that I can never really commit myself completely to another no matter how hard I try. So this will be it, my swan song, my last attempt at making this work..though I have already resigned myself to its failure. Sam left along time ago and I do not know why he even bothers or pretends to care. A year of lies..a year of teaching me that in the end I am not worthy of such things. I can only hope to do better by Matthew, that I don't shove him away as well..that the son who went back to the future has a change of heart about his mother. Most days, I wish I had never sold my soul so long ago that I would have simply accepted death instead, but to see Matthew in his innocence sleeping before me makes me regret such thoughts. He is here for a reason and deserves every chance at the best life I can give him. I, do not deserve anything. That is clear now and I must pull myself up and move forward. No one notices the turmoil I am in right now and maybe no one will. Maybe Sam will fade away and no will take any notice and not judge at how pathetic a creature I am that I drive every one away from me..maybe Matthew belongs with his father and I can simply fade away as well. Maybe this what is best..maybe..maybe not..